My Summer in London (My Summer #1)(22)
Chapter Twelve
Cruz
The drive back to my mother’s house was filled with unspoken words and profound tension. I could hear her think, her frustrations radiating off her in waves, while I suffered in the same manner, half-hoping someone had the wit to break the intensity. However, I knew the person who should be trying to ease the situation was me. Discussing anything in a confined space after that explosive fight would not be wise, though. It was best I wait until we arrived at my mother’s. Hopefully, she and I would have calmed down by then.
Instead of pondering the fight back in Brighton, I diverted my thoughts to how to approach her and how delicate my words should be. Apologies were unknown to me, yet I felt inclined to do so with her.
The second we turned into my mother’s driveway, I turned to her.
“I just want to apologize about my off-handed comments earlier,” I began in a resigned tone, nothing too aggressive or accusing, but my good intentions were put to the test.
She unbuckled her seatbelt before glaring at me. “Which part are you apologizing for; the one where you said I have the sex appeal of a broomstick or the part where you said I was a tease and inviting someone to rape me because of the way I dressed?”
“Bloody f*uk.” I knew I had said all of those things—well, not in the way she delivered it, but all technicalities aside, the end meaning was the same. “I’m sorry if I offended you—truly, I am, most particularly about the temptation reference.”
“Okay. If you say so.” She shrugged, like she wasn’t willing to discuss anything further.
“Could you at least try meeting me halfway here, Serena? I’m trying to make this situation less unsavory than it already is.”
Her cheeks flamed crimson. Looking flustered, she glanced at me heatedly. “I am meeting you halfway! What the hell? I get it—I do—but you were being honest. There’s no need to apologize for not finding someone appealing, so there’s no need for this conversation at all.”
It was the biggest lie of all, yet I couldn’t find my voice to undo the damage. In my mind, I believed that, with her thinking I found her unappealing, it would discourage her attraction to me, which in turn, would be beneficial to everyone involved, me most especially.
There was an overwhelming need to console her, comfort her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As a result, we simply stared at each other while my inner turmoil waged on, and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Before I could say another word, however, she decided to shuffle out of the car then slammed it shut before hastily striding towards the front door as if the hounds of Hell were upon her heels.
Something significant snapped inside of me while I followed her.
“Serena, wait!” I called out, hoping she would give me a moment to apologize, to make amends.
Chest heaving, she spun and faced me. “If you have more to say about how unattractive you find me, I can guarantee you there’s no need for that. I assure you I got the message pretty loud and clear.”
She looked like an injured kitten, and it was killing me that I couldn’t comfort her. I just couldn’t, or so help me God, I wouldn’t be responsible for what happened.
“I’m sorry … I truly am.” The broken words echoed in my heart.
Glassy eyed, she gazed at me with sadness and wonderment. “You … affect me so much it leaves me breathless.” She sniffed. “How can I feel this … kind of pull, this electricity with another man, yet it seems as though he doesn’t feel the least bit affected?” she wondered aloud, expecting me to answer the question that had haunted me since that day I found her in her bedroom.
“Serena …” I whispered, not truly knowing what to say. I simply couldn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I chose not to.
She shook her head, denying what was and what wasn’t. “When I kissed you, I knew you felt it. You looked as if you did. You did feel it, didn’t you?”
A word would be too much. Confirming her suspicions would be suicide on my part. Silence was golden.
“But you kissed me back …” she whispered brokenly.
That sole kiss was confirmation enough. Control where Serena was concerned was out of the question. She had this uncanny ability to make me into an undisciplined, uncontrollable fool, and I couldn’t have that. It was petrifying. Still, I knew I had to say something to ease her mind since I was to blame for this entire thing and not her.
“I did … and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t meet you sooner.” Because, if I had met her before I had committed myself to Ivy, I would have chosen Serena in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t even be a question at all. It might be too much to admit, but this connection, this uncontrollable attraction to her was something I hadn’t experienced with anyone, so yes, choosing her would have been a given. “But that’s all it’ll ever be with us, Serena. I know this might not make sense to you now, but you’re better off with someone who’s your age, someone free who could give you whatever your heart wishes. That man cannot and will not be me.”
“I know …”
Closing the gap between us, I reached out to cup her face before lifting it so her gaze met mine. I wanted to memorize her beautiful, flashing green eyes and to also remember how closely I had been to seeing how it felt to have someone reach into your soul without reason, without explanation. I would always remember Serena this way, even though I would admire her from afar.