My Life in Shambles(69)

She stares at me for a moment, her eyes searching mine in a wild race for the truth. Then her features crumble and a smile spreads across her face, because she knows. “You love me?”

“With all my heart.”

She laughs, soft and hopeful and so damn beautiful. “So everything you said …”

“Wasn’t a lie. Not even close. Couldn’t ye tell? I’m not that good an actor.”

“I didn’t know, I was too afraid to believe it. I was too afraid …”

“And are ye afraid now?”

She looks up above her at the moonlight and the skeletal branches of the trees. “I guess I should be for being out here in the woods.”

I stare at her for a moment before I kiss her. “Tell me you love me and I’ll tell you I love you more.”

She smiles against my mouth. “I love you.”

And there I go again, my heart flying out of my chest and soaring to the heavens.

“Tell me again.”

“I love you.”

I pull her into an embrace, my arms wrapped around her, my chin resting on her head. Somewhere in the distance, an owl hoots beneath the moon.

“And I love you more.”





18





Valerie





It’s a curious feeling to be undeniably and inexplicably happy amidst so much pain and grief, but that’s currently the life I’m living.

A few days ago we had our engagement party.

Colin gave Padraig the ring.

Then Padraig got down on one knee and proposed.

I figured it was for show.

I think I would have held it together enough if he had made it short and sweet but even then, I knew that the moment I would have to say yes would have been too hard. I’m not sure I could have lied in front of everyone like that. It felt like saying yes was sealing a deal and since it was all based on a lie, it felt like blasphemy to do it with that particular ring.

But he didn’t even get that far because he started to tell me all the things I wanted to hear, all the things I feel myself.

That he loved me.

And the fact that it was a lie was too much to bear.

What made it worse was the truth in his eyes, the meaning and emotion behind the words. I couldn’t tell what was real anymore and if I thought this lie could be, what else have I been fooled by?

I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t handle it, couldn’t lie. It wasn’t just about everyone else, it was about myself. I couldn’t lie to myself for one minute longer.

So I ran. I should have just stayed there and dealt with the charade like I’d been doing this month but this time it went against every fibre of my being. I got up and went out the door and I didn’t know where the hell I was going, just some place far away where maybe my heart would be safe.

But Padraig caught up to me in that dark woods.

He caught me and under the moonlight he told me he loved me.

And nothing will ever be the same again.

That bubbling joy that I’d kept buried inside me, well now I was free to let it expand, let it swallow me whole. I’m fucking giddy when I’m around him, I’m feeling things I had never felt with anyone before.

It’s not just that I feel I belong here.

It’s that I belong with him.

And he is my home now.

But as much as I feel like my feet aren’t even touching the ground anymore, I’m surrounded by people in pain.

We had another doctor’s appointment in Dublin, this time we went for just the day. I’m getting pretty good at driving over here so it wasn’t a problem. The doctor wanted to see how the meds were working and give Padraig the results of the test.

The doctor couldn’t say one hundred per cent because of the way MS works, how the disease is different for everyone and no two cases are alike, but the testing combined with Padraig’s worsening symptoms seemed to point to the progressive type of the disease.

This was the worst-case scenario for us. Other cases, they get to go on more or less normally and have relapses and flare-ups that come and go during various points of their life. But with progressive, it slowly but steadily gets worse. He told us that the likelihood of Padraig being bedridden in twenty years was high.

Which, of course, was something Padraig didn’t want to hear. He can barely cope with the idea of not driving or playing the game. The fact that in the future he might not have any mobility at all, shakes him to his very foundations.

He was waiting for that news, too. To tell his coach, to tell his team and the owners of the team. He hasn’t said a word about his diagnosis yet because he was hoping he could just fake it. Fake it like we’ve been faking our engagement. Pretend that everything is fine.

But you can only pretend for so long. He’s going to have to tell them the truth eventually and when he does, the whole world will know.

He’s not ready for that.

So we go on pretending.

Then there is his father. The last time he seemed better was during the engagement party. When we returned from the woods and I explained my breakdown as just being so emotionally overwhelmed (which wasn’t a lie), he kissed me on the cheek and wished us all the luck in the world.

But the next day, he didn’t even get out of bed.

And he didn’t the day after that, not even when Nan had Gail make his favorite dish, macaroni and cheddar. He wouldn’t come to dinner and he wouldn’t eat the food when they brought it to him.