My Life in Shambles(68)

I look back at Valerie and she gets to her feet, fully crying now.

“Excuse me,” she says tearfully, running to the front door, throwing on a pair of Wellies and a coat and leaving the house.

I watch as the door slams shut, stunned, and then look back to everyone else.

“The poor dear is overwhelmed,” Nan says, pausing to honk her nose into the napkin. “There’s a lot of pressure when it comes to having someone else’s ring, ye know.”

“If she doesn’t want it, I want it back,” my dad says.

“Oh don’t worry,” Nan says, putting her hand on my dad’s. “She’s in love with the boy.”

“I know,” he says. “That’s what she told me.”

When did that happen?

I need to stop napping so much.

No, I need to go and get Valerie.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell them and head on over to the door, pulling on my coat and boots. I leave just as I hear the Major say, “So are they married now?”

It’s a full moon and a clear night and like usual, it’s bloody cold. The start of the night’s frost is creeping over the front lawn and twinkling in the moonlight.

“Valerie!” I yell but I don’t see her down by the road.

I run around the side of the house, past the walled garden and the cottage, looking around the falconry mews. “Val!” I yell again.

And then I see someone. Moving shadows among the trees.

I run across the field, my eyes adjusting to the moonlight. “Val!”

As I get closer I see it’s her, walking fast into the forest, her gait uneven.

I follow, the bare branches scratching my face as I catch up to her quickly. I reach out and grab her arm.

“What are ye doing?” I cry out, spinning her around to face me.

The moonlight catches her tears as they fall down her face. “I can’t do this anymore!” she yells.

“Okay, okay,” I say, my hands not letting go and sliding down to her wrists where I can hold her tighter. “It’s okay. Just don’t go running off into the woods.”

She’s sobbing, looking away and my heart is breaking at the pain and anguish on her face.

“Talk to me, please. Tell me what happened.”

“Tell you?” she cries out. “You were there. You just did it. You saw. You proposed to me!”

I try to swallow but can’t. “It was just for show,” I whisper and it pains me to say it.

“I know! I know it was just for show. I know it was a lie. I know you laid it on thick so that your dad and your nan would believe you. But think about what it’s like for me to hear that, as you slipped your dead mother’s ring on my finger!”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I thought you knew this was going to happen.”

“You were going to get the ring, you never said anything about proposing to me.”

“It felt like the right thing to do,” I try to explain. “I had the ring and I saw you and I just … I just had to do it.”

“They would have believed us otherwise. You didn’t need to take it that far.”

“Well it’s not as if we’re actually engaged.”

“Right!” she yells and then clamps her lips together, nodding and looking away. “Right. We’re not.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

She shakes her head and tries to turn away from me but I won’t let go. “Why are you crying? Why are you crying, Valerie?”

Her chin starts to tremble and she closes her eyes, tears spilling down but she doesn’t say anything. She lets out a soft whimper.

Something inside me starts to soar, like when I opened that owl’s cage on a night not dissimilar to this one, and watched it take flight over the trees. Flying to freedom, in the night where it belonged.

I place my hand at her cheek, feel her cold skin. “Look at me.”

She shakes her head.

“Look at me, please,” I tell her, trying to turn her face toward me.

Finally she opens her eyes and meets mine.

I already know those brilliant blue eyes so well.

I know what she’s hiding.

She’s hiding her hurt.

I hurt her back there.

I hurt her because she thinks I didn’t mean a word that I said.

She thinks I’m playing with her heart when I’m doing anything but.

“Valerie,” I whisper to her. “Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me and I’ll tell ye I love you more.”

She frowns, blinking, mouth open.

“Tell me you love me,” I say again. “I want to hear it. You’ve already heard it from me.”

She shakes her head. “Yours was a lie.”

“And what if it wasn’t? What if I meant what I said?”

“But you didn’t.”

“And how do ye know that?”

“Because … it’s all fake.”

“No.” I shake my head. “Nothing is fake anymore. So, maybe the engagement isn’t real and I know I’m keeping things from my family, but nothing is fake. My feelings for you aren’t fake. They are very, terribly real. You are the pulse of my heart, darlin’, and my heart won’t beat without you.” I take in a deep breath, that soaring feeling intensifying as I gaze into her eyes. I smile. “I’m so in love with ye, it hurts me.”