Mistakes Were Made(102)

Okay, the metaphor kind of fell apart there, but the point was: Cassie needed to do something.

It should probably be something mature. That was probably the biggest hang-up here, right? That Cassie was barely old enough to drink while Erin was turning forty in six months? Now that it turned out Parker was okay with it, the age difference had to be the biggest obstacle. But Cassie had no idea how to prove she was old enough, mature enough, to be worthwhile. There was nothing romantic in showing off tax returns, and Erin already knew Cassie had a job that paid her bills. Cassie had been taking care of herself since she’d hit double digits.

And anyway, fuck should.

Besides, her relationship with Erin—now that she could admit this was the right word for it—wasn’t about being taken care of. She didn’t give a shit that Erin was older than her. She cared that Erin was funny and smart and made her feel safe. It didn’t hurt that she was hot as fuck.

Erin made Cassie happy. And Cassie wanted to make her happy. That was what their relationship was about.

Cassie needed to go back with something that said this. Yeah, she could do wine or chocolate or something traditionally romantic and boring. But Erin wasn’t boring. She deserved so much more than boring. She deserved her clinic and winter vacations to anywhere near the equator and scuba diving.

Scuba diving.

It would be ridiculous, maybe. It certainly wasn’t going to prove Cassie’s maturity. But it would say what Cassie wanted to say.

She pulled over to the side of the road, plugged Dick’s Sporting Goods into Google Maps, and drove off to buy scuba gear.

A regular sporting goods store, it turned out, did not carry scuba gear. Also, a Google search indicated scuba gear was fucking expensive. Cassie bought swim fins instead, in purple, Erin’s favorite color.

It wasn’t until Cassie got back to her bike that she remembered she’d left her saddle bags at Erin’s. How was she supposed to carry these ridiculous flippers on her bike?

Might as well be even more ridiculous, she thought as she stuffed them up the back of her jacket.

If Erin said no, this was going to break Cassie’s dignity in addition to her heart.

She wanted to pretend it wouldn’t. Even in her mind, she wanted to deflect with a joke. Instead, she got on her bike one more time.

The ride to Erin’s was too short. When she pulled up in front of the house she’d been pulling up in front of almost every weekend that summer, Cassie wasn’t ready. She hadn’t figured out the perfect thing to say. Erin would understand, right? If Cassie told her she wanted to go scuba diving with her. Scuba diving was scary as fucking shit, but Cassie would go with Erin. That meant something.

If she was going to do this, she had to do it. Adrenaline was already flying through her veins and she wasn’t even off her bike.

Erin must have heard her pull up, though—the front door was still open behind her as she marched toward Cassie. Well, at least Cassie no longer had to figure out if she should knock or just walk in. She couldn’t read Erin’s face, but it didn’t matter. Cassie had decided to do this. She needed to.

She leapt off the bike before Erin got there and held up her hands.

“Okay, stop, wait, I have to say this.”

Erin stopped.

“I’m sorry I left,” Cassie said. “I shouldn’t have.”

She closed her eyes because it was easier to get everything out if she wasn’t analyzing Erin’s face for any sign of agreement. “I know there’re a million reasons not to—I’m young and honestly so dumb when it comes to feelings that I didn’t even realize I had them for you until this week and just because it turns out Parker’s okay with it doesn’t mean other people are going to be and God, so many other reasons. But I should have stayed because I want to stay. I want you to stay. I know you maybe don’t want to, but I want to do this, for real.”

Erin might have smiled, but Cassie didn’t let herself look. She unzipped her jacket instead—the flippers fell out the back and to the ground.

“What in the…,” Erin said so quietly Cassie wasn’t sure she even meant to give voice to the question.

Cassie picked up the swim fins. This had seemed like a good idea at the time, but she felt ludicrous now, thrusting them out toward Erin.

“I want to go scuba diving with you.”

That was supposed to have been enough, but Erin stared at her like she expected some kind of follow up.

“Like, the ocean is huge and terrifying and unknown, but if you want to go scuba diving, I want to,” Cassie explained. “I want to make you happy. Or do the things that make you happy with you. And, I don’t know, maybe it won’t be so scary if I’m with you. ’Cause life is kinda huge and terrifying and unknown, right? But I never think about that when I’m with you.”

“Cassie,” Erin said, a tenderness in her voice that Cassie wanted to wrap her arms around. She hadn’t taken the flippers.

“I don’t know,” Cassie said. Her arm holding the flippers out to Erin dropped to her side and she shrugged. “It made sense when I bought these.”

“It makes sense,” Erin said, and then she was right in front of Cassie, one hand on her face and the other on top of Cassie’s hand clutching the swim fins, Erin’s fingers curling around Cassie’s. “It’s maybe the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”