Midnight Lily(43)

"Okay, but wait, I . . ." He pursed his lips, his expression worried. "Things went well for you here? You're feeling better? Taylor finally ’fessed up that she came out here. Sorry about that, by the way. But she said you were still acting a little strange."

"Yeah, I was I guess. I didn't exactly expect to see her." I sighed. "But I'm feeling better now. I don't know. I just need to see Lily."

"But you're clear, right?" He eyed me. "You know your name, don't you? You know why you're here?"

My eyes met his. I did. Oh God. Oh God, it hurt. "Yes," I said, my voice wobbly. "Yes, my name is Ryan. Ryan Ellis."

He released a relieved breath. "And you know that Holden—"

"Holden is dead, I know," I said, an intense ache gripping my chest. My shoulders began to shake. "I know. Yes, I know it all now. I remember. I know."





CHAPTER THIRTEEN


"What are you doing out here all alone? The party's inside," Holden slurred, weaving slightly before falling down in the chair next to mine and running his hand through his short, dark hair.

I took a sip of my beer and glanced over at him. Despite being drunk, he looked miserable. He always looked miserable lately. "I needed some quiet," I said. "I guess I'm just not in the party mood."

"When are you ever in the party mood?"

I raised my beer to him in agreement. "Not often." But I'd come tonight to look out for Holden. He seemed to want to mess his life up these days. As if he was going out of his way to f*ck up.

He made a sound of annoyance. "Taylor's looking for you. Pretty sure she wants you, man."

She did. She'd made that plenty clear. "Not interested. Taylor's a bitch only interested in her own status. I don't know why you went out with her at all."

"She's good in bed."

"I'm sure she is. She gets plenty of practice."

Holden gave a short laugh that died on his lips.

"What's the plan, Holden?" I asked, staring over at him. He knew what I was asking.

His head fell back on the chair. "My plan is to be amazing and awesome," he said dully, delivering the line he'd used so many times. Until recently, it had been said with humor and vibrancy. It used to make me smile.

"You used to be amazing and awesome all the time," I said, clearing my throat. My voice sounded scratchy. Now he was just . . . sad. Why? Why was he so f*cking sad?

"How about we get out of here?" I asked. "Away from all these people. I'll treat you to some breakfast. Denny's? Moons Over my Hammy?"

"You're the one who likes breakfast for dinner. And you just like saying Moons Over my Hammy."

I gave him a wan smile. It was true, I did. Best breakfast name ever. "What's not to like about breakfast for dinner?"

He shrugged, looking genuinely confused. "I don't know. It's like I can't find it in me to like anything these days."

"That's the pills, Holden. You've gotta get off the pills. Your knee's been healed for months now."

"The pills might be the only things I actually do like."

I pressed my lips together, at a loss. As I stood, I said, "Well, if you're not going to help yourself, Holden, there's nothing I can do for you." Feeling useless, I walked to the sliding glass door leading inside.

"Jesus, have you seen this sunset?" he asked.

I paused and glanced back. Holden had walked to the rail of the balcony. He looked . . . lost, yet eerily calm.

"I never f*cking look at sunsets anymore. You ever just . . . enjoy something for the sake of it anymore, Ry?"

I released the door handle. "Yeah," I said. "I mean, I try."

He nodded. "That's good," he said, and I heard the tears in his voice. I went still. Was Holden crying? He leaned over the wrought-iron rail of the balcony. "It's so high up," he said, leaning even farther.

"Holden, what the f*ck?"

"It's good to feel something, though, isn't it?" His voice was muffled and upside down.

I took a step toward him and in that moment, he flipped over the railing. "Holy f*ck!" I shouted, lunging toward him. He let out a yell, grabbing one of the rail spindles, hanging by one hand. I went down on my knees and wrapped my hands around his. "Help!" I yelled behind me, "Help!" But the party inside was too loud. No one could hear me. "Don't let go, Holden." I was panting, my heart beating out of my chest in terror. "I'm going to stand up and lean over and I want you to grab my hand. Okay, Holden, grab my hand. I won't let you fall. I won't let you fall."

As I stood, my legs were shaking so badly, I could barely move. But I stood and I leaned over, holding my hand out to him. "Grab on," I choked out. "Grab my hand, Holden." His eyes were wild as he reached up and took my hand. I let out a whoosh of air, my heart hammering so hard. "Okay, okay, I've got you, okay? I'm going to pull you up now. Work with me, okay?" I started to pull him up, both my hands clasped around his, his other hand on the balcony. He suddenly let go of the ledge and only held on to me. I grunted with the sudden pull of holding over two hundred pounds of weight. My hands were shaking and my arms were throbbing. I couldn't even force out words.