Men at Arms (Discworld #15)(74)

'Oh yes. Boffo was on gate duty and he distinctly remembers him going out.'

'He knows it was him?'

Dr Whiteface looked blank.

'Of course.'

'How?'

'How? He recognized him, of course. That's how you know who people are. You look at them and you say . . . that's him. That's called re-cog-nit-ion,' said the clown, with pointed deliberation. 'It was Beano. Boffo said he looked very worried.'

'Ah. Fine. No more questions, doctor. Did Beano have any friends among the Assassins?'

'Well . . . possibly, possibly. We don't discourage visitors.'

Carrot stared at the clown's face. Then he smiled.

'Of course. Well, that about wraps it all up, I think.'

'If only he'd stuck to something, you know, original,' said Dr Whiteface.

'Like a bucket of whitewash over the door, or a custard pie?' said Sergeant Colon.

'That's right!'

'Well, we might as well be going,' said Carrot. 'I imagine you don't want to lay a complaint about the Assassins?'

Dr Whiteface tried to look panicky, but this did not work very well under a mouth painted into a wide grin.

'What? No! I mean – if an Assassin broke into our Guild, I mean, not on proper business, and stole something, well, we'd definitely consider we were within our rights to, well—'

'Pour jelly into his shirt?' said Angua.

'Hit him around the head with a bladder on a stick?' said Colon.

'Possibly.'

'Each Guild to their own, of course,' said Carrot. 'I suggest we might as well be going, sergeant. Nothing more for us to do here. Sorry to have troubled you, Dr Whiteface. I can see this must have been a great strain on you.'

The clown was limp with relief.

'Don't mention it. Don't mention it. Happy to help. I know you have your job to do.'

He ushered them down the stairs and into the courtyard, bubbling with small talk now. The rest of the Watch clanked to attention.

'Actually . . .' said Carrot, just as he was being ushered out of the gate, 'there is one thing you could do.'

'Of course, of course.'

'Um, I know it's a bit cheeky,' said Carrot, 'but I've always been very interested in Guild customs . . . so . . . do you think someone could show me your museum?'

'Sorry? What museum?'

'The clown museum?'

'Oh, you mean the Hall of Faces. That's not a museum. Of course. Nothing secret about it. Boffo, make a note. We'd be happy to show you around any time, corporal.'

'Thank you very much, Dr Whiteface.'

Any time.'

'I'm just going off duty,' said Carrot. 'Right now would be nice. Since I happen to be here.'

'You can't go off duty when— ow!' said Colon.

'Sorry, sergeant?'

'You kicked me!'

'I accidentally trod on your sandal, sergeant. I'm sorry.'

Colon tried to see a message in Carrot's face. He'd got used to simple Carrot. Complicated Carrot was as unnerving as being savaged by a duck.

'We'll, er, we'll just be going, then, shall we?' he said.

'No point in staying here now it's all settled,' said Carrot, mugging furiously. 'May as well take the night off, really.'

He glanced at the rooftops.

'Oh, well, now it's all settled we'll be off, right,' said Colon. 'Right, Nobby?'

'Oh, yeah, we'll be off all right, because it's all settled,' said Nobby. 'You hear that, Cuddy?'


'What, that it's all settled?' said Cuddy. 'Oh, yeah. We might as well be off. OK, Detritus?'

Detritus was staring moodily at nothing with his knuckles resting on the ground. This was a normal stance for a troll while waiting for the next thought to arrive.

The syllables of his name kicked a neuron into fitful activity.

'What?' he said.

'It's all settled.'

'What is?'

'You know – Mr Hammerhock's death and everything.'

'Is it?'

'Yes!'

'Oh.'

Detritus considered this for a while, nodded, and settled back into whatever state of mind he normally occupied.

Another neuron gave a fizzle.

'Right,' he said.

Cuddy watched him for a moment.

'That's about it,' he said, sadly. 'That's all we're getting.'

'I'll be back shortly,' said Carrot. 'Shall we be off . . . Joey, wasn't it? Dr Whiteface?'

'I suppose there's no harm,' said Dr Whiteface. 'Very well. Show Corporal Carrot anything he likes, Boffo.'

'Right, sir,' said the little clown.

'It must be a jolly job, being a clown,' said Carrot.

'Must it?'

'Lots of japes and jokes, I mean.'

Boffo gave Carrot a lopsided look.

'Well . . .' he said. 'It has its moments . . .'

'I bet it does. I bet it does.'

'Are you often on gate duty, Boffo?' said Carrot pleasantly, as they strolled through the Fools' Guild.

'Huh! Just about all the time,' said Boffo.