Men at Arms (Discworld #15)(69)

Carrot fielded a man pushing a barrow.

'Would you mind telling me what's going on, sir?' he said.

'And do you know what it is they say about dwarfs?' said a voice behind him.

'That's not a sir, that's Throat,' said Colon. And will you look at the colour of him!'

'Should he be all shiny like that?' said Detritus.

'Feeling fine! Feeling fine!' said Dibbler. 'Hah! So much for people importuning the standard of my merchandise!'

'What's happening, Throat?' said Colon.

'They say—' Dibbler began, green in the face.

'Who says?' said Carrot.

'They say,' said Dibbler. 'You know. They. Everyone. They say the trolls have killed someone up at Dolly Sisters and the dwarfs have smashed up Chalky the troll's all-night pottery and they've broken down the Brass Bridge and—'

Carrot looked up the road.

'You just came over the Brass Bridge,' he said.

'Yeah, well . . . that's what they say,' said Dibbler.

'Oh, I see.' Carrot straightened up.

'Did they happen to say . . . sort of, in passing . . . anything else about dwarfs?' said Cuddy.

'I think we're going to have to go and have a word with the Day Watch about the arrest of Coalface,' Carrot said.

'We ain't got no weapons,' said Colon.

'I'm certain Coalface has nothing to do with the murder of Hammerhock,' said Carrot. 'We are armed with the truth. What can harm us if we are armed with the truth?'

'Well, a crossbow bolt can, e.g., go right through your eye and out the back of your head,' said Sergeant Colon.

All right, sergeant,' said Carrot, 'so where do we get some more weapons?'

The bulk of the Armoury loomed against the sunset.

It was strange to find an armoury in a city which relied on deceit, bribery and assimilation to defeat its enemies but, as Sergeant Colon said, once you'd won their weapons off 'em you needed somewhere to store the things.

Carrot rapped on the door. After a while there were footsteps, and a small window slid back. A suspicious voice said: 'Yes?'

'Corporal Carrot, city militia.'

'Never heard of it. Bugger off.'

The hatch snapped back. Carrot heard Nobby snigger.

He thumped on the door again.

'Yes?'

'I'm Corporal Carrot—' The hatch moved, but hit Carrot's truncheon as he rammed it in the hole.

'—and I'm here to collect some arms for my men.'

'Yeah? Where's your authority?'

'What? But I'm—'

The truncheon was knocked away and the hatch thudded into place.

' 'Scuse me,' said Corporal Nobbs, pushing past. 'Let me have a go. I've been here before, sort of thing.'

He kicked the door with his steel capped boots, known and feared wherever men were on the floor and in no position to fight back.

Snap. 'I told you to bug—'

'Auditors,' said Nobby.

There was a moment's silence.

'What?'

'Here to take inventory.'

'Where's your auth—'

'Oh? Oh? He says where's my authority?' Nobby leered at the guards. 'Oh? Keeps me hanging around here while his cronies can nip out the back to bring the stuff back out of hock, eh?'

'I nev—'

'And, and then, yeah, we'll get the old thousand swords trick, yeah? Fifty crates stacked up, turns out the bottom forty are full of rocks?' 'I—'

'What's your name, mister?'

'I—'

'You open this door right now!'

The hatch shut. There was the sound of bolts being pulled back by someone who was not at all convinced it was a good idea and would be asking searching questions in a minute.

'Got a piece of paper on you, Fred? Quick!'

'Yes, but—' said Sergeant Colon.

'Any paper! Now!'

Colon fumbled in his pocket and handed Nobby his grocery bill just as the door opened. Nobby swaggered in at high speed, forcing the man inside to walk backwards.

'Don't run off!' he shouted, 'I haven't found anything wrong—'

'I wasn't r—'

'—YET!'

Carrot had time to get an impression of a cavernous place full of complicated shadows. Apart from the man, who was fatter than Colon, there were a couple of trolls who appeared to be operating a grindstone. Current events did not seem to have penetrated the thick walls.
All right, no-one panic, just stop what you're doing, stop what you're doing, please. I'm Corporal Nobbs, Ankh-Morpork City Ordnance Inspection City Audit—' The piece of paper was waved in front of the man's eyes at vision-blurring speed, and Nobby's voice faltered a bit as he contemplated the end of the sentence, '—Bureau . . . Special . . . Audit . . . Inspection. How many people work here?'

'Just me—'

Nobby pointed at the trolls.

'What about them?'

The man spat on the floor.

'Oh, I thought you said people.'

Carrot stuck out his hand automatically and it slammed against Detritus' breastplate.