Men at Arms (Discworld #15)(72)

'There's something I must find out first,' said Carrot. 'The Fools haven't told me the truth.'-

'Hang on a minute, hang on a minute,' said Sergeant Colon. 'This is going altogether just a bit too far by half. Look, I don't want us to kill anyone, right? I happen to be sergeant around here, if anyone's interested. Understand, Carrot? Nobby? No shooting or swordplay. It's bad enough barging into Guild property, but we'll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won't stop at sarcasm. He might use' – Colon swallowed – 'irony. So that's an order. What do you want to do, anyway?'

'I just want people to tell me things,' said Carrot.

'Well, if they don't, you're not to hurt them,' said Colon. 'Look, you can ask questions, fair enough. But if Dr Whiteface starts getting difficult, we're to come away, right? Clowns give me the creeps. And he's worst of all. If he won't answer, we're to leave peacefully and, oh, I don't know, think of something else. That's an order, like I said. Are you clear about this? It's an order.'

'If he won't answer my questions,' said Carrot, 'I'm to leave peacefully. Right.'

'So long as that's understood.'

Carrot knocked on the Fools' door, reached up, caught the custard pie as it emerged from the slot and rammed it back hard. Then he kicked the door so that it swung inwards a few inches.

Someone behind it said 'Ow.'

The door opened a bit further to reveal a small clown covered in whitewash and custard.


'You didn't have to do that,' he said.

'I just wanted to get into the spirit of the thing,' said Carrot. 'I'm Corporal Carrot and this is the citizens' militia, and we all enjoy a good laugh.'

' 'Scuse me—'

'Except for Lance-Constable Cuddy. And Lance-Constable Detritus enjoys a good laugh too, although some minutes after everyone else. And we're here to see Dr Whiteface.'

The clown's hair rose. Water squirted from his buttonhole.

'Have – have you got an appointment?' he said.

'I don't know,' said Carrot. 'Have we got an appointment?'

'I've got an iron ball with spikes on,' Nobby volunteered.

'That's a morningstar, Nobby.'

'Is it?'

'Yes,' said Carrot. 'An appointment is an engagement to see someone, while a morningstar is a large lump of metal used for viciously crushing skulls. It is important not to confuse the two, isn't it, Mr—?' He raised his eyebrows.

'Boffo, sir. But—'

'So if you could perhaps run along and tell Dr White-face we're here with an iron ball with spi— What am I saying? I mean, without an appointment to see him? Please? Thank you.'

The clown scuttled off.

'There,' said Carrot. 'Was that all right, sergeant?'

'He's probably going to be satirical, even,' said Colon, morosely.

They waited. After a while Lance-Constable Cuddy took a screwdriver from his pocket and inspected the custard-pie-throwing machine bolted to the door. The rest of them shuffled their feet, except for Nobby, who kept dropping things on his.

Boffo reappeared, flanked by two muscular jesters who didn't look as though they had a sense of humour at all.

'Dr Whiteface says there's no such thing as a city militia,' he ventured. 'But. Um. Dr Whiteface says, if it's really important he'll see some of you. But not the trolls or the dwarf. We heard there's gangs of trolls and dwarfs terrorizing the city.'

'Dat's what they say,' said Detritus, nodding.

'Incidentally, do you know what it is they—' Cuddy began, but Nobby nudged him into silence.

'You and me, sergeant?' said Carrot. And you, Lance-Constable Angua.'

'Oh dear,' said Sergeant Colon.

But they followed Carrot into the sombre buildings and along the gloomy corridors to Dr Whiteface's office. The chief of all the clowns, fools and jesters was standing in the middle of the floor, while a jester tried to sew extra sequins on his coat.

'Well?'

' 'Evening, doctor,' said Carrot.

'I should like to make it clear that Lord Vetinari will be hearing about this directly,' said Dr Whiteface.

'Oh, yes. I shall tell him,' said Carrot.

'I can't imagine why you're bothering me when there's rioting in the streets.'

Ah, well . . . we shall deal with that later. But Captain Vimes always told me, sir, that there's big crimes and little crimes. Sometimes the little crimes look big and the big crimes you can hardly see, but the crucial thing is to decide which is which.'

They stared at one another.

'Well?' the clown demanded.

'I should like you to tell me,' said Carrot, 'about events in this Guild House the night before last.'

Dr Whiteface stared at him in silence.

Then he said, 'If I don't?'

'Then,' said Carrot, 'I am afraid I shall, with extreme reluctance, be forced to carry out the order I was given just before entering.'

He glanced at Colon. 'That's right, isn't it, sergeant?'

'What? Eh? Well, yes—'

'I would much prefer not to do so, but I have no choice,' said Carrot.