Love Online(20)

“But your feelings do matter to me. If something bothers you, I want to know.”

“Okay…it bothers me that I can’t see you in person. How about that?”

I let out a frustrated breath. “Good one.”

We both fell silent. This was probably the closest we’d come to an argument.

After a while, he gestured with his index finger. “Come here.”

“Where?”

“Come closer,” he whispered. “Press your lips against the screen.”

I did as he said and watched as he moved his own face against the camera. He groaned as he kissed me once gently—or pretended to.

Ryder smiled. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

It wasn’t real, but it felt important to me. “Did we just have our first kiss?”

“I’ve got the smudge marks on the screen to prove it.”

I licked my lips as if it were real. “It’s not enough.”

“It won’t ever feel like enough, Eden.”

“Then let’s do more tonight,” I said.

“I meant the whole virtual thing. This will never be enough.”

“I know. But I want to do more with you tonight. You’re the first man in a long time whom I’ve wanted to do things for—not just for you, but for me.”

He looked at me so intensely. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“When you’re…performing, do you get wet? I mean, do you get genuinely excited when you know someone is getting off to your body, or do you fake it?”

“It’s funny you ask that; I’ve actually been studying that very thing.”

“Studying it? Is there still space in the class? Because I’d like to sign up.”

That made me laugh. “What I mean is—okay, there’s a difference between true arousal—enjoyment—versus activation. Sexual non-concordance is the term. It’s when your body responds to a sexual cue, even if you’re not truly liking it. It’s a physiological reaction not based on enjoyment but rather on the idea of something sexual happening. It’s a very detached way of getting aroused.”

“So you’re saying that because you’re thinking about sex, from the mere act of, say, masturbating—even if you’re not into it—your body might still react. But there’s no actual desire.”

“Exactly. It’s just a primal, almost automatic reaction. So there’s a difference between that and what I feel when I look at you, which is true attraction, true arousal.”

“What does it feel like when you look at me?” he asked.

How can I even describe it?

“All of my nerve endings are on alert. I’m so incredibly aware of every movement you make, every expression. It’s a mixture of excitement and comfort, because I trust you.”

He leaned back in his bed. “Tell me more.”

“My nipples are always hard when we talk, and sometimes I get wet just being in your presence, even when we’re just talking.”

“More,” he said.

“I feel like the muscles between my legs contract at the sound of your voice. Even before I knew what you looked like, your voice used to make me wet.”

He bent his head back and let out a shaky breath. “You’re killing me. You know that?”

“Do you desire me?” I asked.

He lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes. “Eden, from the first night I saw you, I’ve done nothing but desire you. And it’s to the point where I can’t be with anyone else in the flesh because I would rather come online and look at you, talk to you, think about you. And that is utterly fucked-up.”

“That’s how I feel, too. As much as it might seem like I’m loose with sex because of what I do for a living, when it comes to letting someone inside—pun intended—it’s not easy for me. I would never be able to do this if those men were actually touching me.”

“That’s the only consolation for me,” he said. “That they can’t touch you.”

My palms started to sweat. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he said.

“You said you haven’t wanted to be with anyone in the flesh…but have you? Have you had sex with anyone since we’ve been talking?”

He hesitated. “Not since we’ve been connecting, no. It’s the longest I’ve ever gone without actual sex.”

Relief poured over me, and then I just lost it. “I want you right now,” I panted.

The look in his eyes told me he was losing the control he’d worked so hard to keep.

He lay back. “Show me how much.”

I slowly lifted my shirt over my head. My breasts felt heavy as they fell out of the fabric. My body buzzed with anticipation at the prospect of getting to see more of him.

“Your nipples are so hard. Is that for me?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “I want to see more of you, Ryder.”

He gritted his teeth. “You want to see how much I want you? Is that what you’ve wanted all this time?”

My breathing was heavy. “Yes.”

“All you had to do was ask, baby.” He unzipped his jeans and repositioned his body so I could see his gloriously hard cock, which glistened with precum at the tip. He pumped slowly up and down as he gritted his teeth and said, “There’s not a moment I’m not hard for you. You just can’t normally see it.”