Love Online(19)

“I think you’re right. I hadn’t.”

Now that he was right in front of me again, in the same country, I felt so much better. “I missed you. I mean, I know we kept in touch, but it wasn’t the same.”

“I missed you, too. Like crazy, Eden.”

Like crazy. That was how all of this felt sometimes.

“Are you still glad you went?”

“You know, I really am. I made a lot of good contacts and learned a shitload about the international market. It was definitely worth the trip.”

“Good.”

After a brief pause, he asked, “What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you. It’s been that way since I went to India.” He frowned. “Is this not working for you anymore?”

“No!” I was quick to say. “Just the opposite.”

He seemed really confused. “Can you just be honest with me? Please? Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling… I’m just scared.”

“Why?”

Because I’m not supposed to be falling for you.

“I was miserable when you were away. I missed not being able to talk to you at night. And that really freaked me out.”

“What’s wrong with feeling that way?”

“We agreed that our relationship would stay the way it is—virtual—and I feel myself losing control of my feelings for you.”

“Then let me come see you. Tell me where you live. I’ll be on the next plane.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m too scared it will change things. I love the way things are now.” A tear rolled down my cheek.

“You don’t look like you love it. You’re in fucking tears.”

“This is the way it has to be.”

He watched me wipe my eyes before he said, “I am aching for you, Eden. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than to smell you, touch you, hold you…and a whole lot more than that. I understand that there’s something you don’t want to tell me, and I’ve accepted that up until now. But it’s damn hard.”

This was the first time he’d confessed to a physical need for me. He’d always been the quintessential gentleman—to a fault. I sometimes questioned his attraction to me.

“Why haven’t you told me you want me in that way before—physically?” I asked.

“Isn’t it obvious how badly I want you?”

“Well, you never…you know, ask me for anything. I keep waiting, wanting you to—”

“Ask you?” His tone bordered on angry. “Don’t you have enough fucking men asking you for sexual favors?”

“But you’re different. I—” I stopped myself, knowing full-well what I really wanted to say.

I feel like I might love you…or something.

That was the thought in my mind, which I knew was completely crazy.

“What, Eden? What?”

My voice cracked. “You’re the only man in the world I want to want me.”

“I do want you…so much.” He ran his fingers through his hair, then pulled on it in frustration. “But I don’t want to watch you fuck yourself with a dildo—do you get that? I’ve always been afraid you’d think that’s what I want. You’re so conditioned to believe that’s what men want from you—this one-sided show. I want you—all of you, in the flesh. But I promised you a long time ago that I wouldn’t push it unless you voluntarily chose to tell me who you are and where you live.” He laughed angrily. “You think I don’t fucking want you? Why do you think I only let you see me from the waist up?”

I responded with the first thing that came to mind. “I assumed it was because you had a tiny dick.”

He burst out laughing. “Wiseass.”

“Kidding. I hope you know that.”

“I’m always hard for you, Eden. Always.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And I’m turning into a jealous prick, too.”

“Jealous? I thought I was the jealous one.”

“Seriously. Do you have any idea how hard it is to know you go into those private chat rooms every night? It’s your job, and I respect that, but I honestly can’t even think about it anymore. There have been times when I’ve considered sending you so much money that you’d never have to work again, but I know you wouldn’t take it, because that’s the kind of person you are. I can’t tell you what to do.”

It hurt me to know my job made him so uneasy. “I never realized the camming bothered you like that.”

“Fuck yes, it bothers me. I can’t stomach you spreading your legs, showing other men your pussy up close while they jerk off. It makes me want to throw up.”

My heart started to race—not only from the shock of hearing him admit that, but because knowing my work made him jealous was invigorating. I’d yearned for his jealousy, to know he cared about me in a possessive way.

“Why didn’t you say something?” I asked.

“Would it change anything? You should be able to do whatever you want to do with your life. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. But I’m man enough to accept it.”