Looking for Trouble(71)

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything. God, I fucking ruin everything! I’m so stupid and scatterbrained!” He couldn’t fucking concentrate on anything. One distraction and poof, he fucking lost the thread of whatever he’d been doing. How could he have forgotten the damn iron?

“Hey, what’s wrong? What are you talking about?” Clay reached for him, his hand going toward Dylan’s face, and he knew Clay would cup his cheek, rub his thumb over Dylan’s cheekbones the way he so often did, but Dylan didn’t let him. He pulled his head back.

“Okay…apparently something is going on here that I don’t understand. But it’s been a long day. Why don’t we just go to bed and talk about it tomorrow?”

“Oh, you mean like we were going to do last night? If we’re not careful, I’ll find a way to burn the whole damn hotel down too. God, how can you be here with me? How can you not be angry with me?”

“Trouble…”

“Yeah, you had that right. That’s exactly what I am.”

“Please don’t do that. Don’t make my name for you mean something ugly.”

“Clay!” Dylan shoved to his feet. “I burned your fucking house down! The house you shared with Gordon. I took away something that was part of you and the man you loved!”

“Huh?” Clay frowned. He stepped closer, but Dylan shook his head. He didn’t want Clay’s affection. It would just make him feel worse. “There’s a whole lot I have to say about that last statement. I don’t know where to start.”

“You should probably use small words so I understand you.”

“Hey. Don’t do that. I won’t sit here and listen to you put yourself down. I don’t know what you think you did, but you didn’t burn the house down. Unless you somehow fucked up the wiring in the hall bathroom, you’re not responsible.”

His eyes snapped to Clay. “What? Wiring?”

“Yeah. That’s what they assume, at least. The fire originated from the hall bathroom. That’s why the hallway was so smoky when we looked out. From there it traveled away from us, thank God, and toward the living room, dining room, and kitchen.”

For the first time all day, Dylan felt as if he could breathe. “It wasn’t the iron?”

“What? No. It shuts off automatically.”

“But…that’s a big coincidence. I was using it, and I didn’t turn it off. Are you sure?”

“Unless you sneaked the iron into the bathroom, I’m sure, Trouble. You’ve been driving yourself crazy all day thinking you started the fire?”

He closed his eyes, weight falling off his chest as he did so. He hadn’t caused the fire. He hadn’t been the one who burned down Clay’s home. “Yes. I was devastated. It was all I could think about all day. I had a dream last night about the iron, and I woke up and the house was smoky.”

“Which likely saved our lives. You saved our lives.”

Dylan shook his head, still unable to wrap his mind around it…and yeah, feeling stupid for a completely different reason then. “I thought you were going to hate me. I hated myself. All I could think was that I’d come here, pushed myself into your life, and caused you to lose your home. How could you ever forgive me for taking away the home you’d shared with Gordon? He was the love of your life, and—”

“Hey…Dylan, stop.” Clay stepped forward. When he reached for Dylan this time, he didn’t move. “You didn’t cause the fire, but even if you had, it would have been an accident. I wouldn’t have hated you for it. You have to stop doing that to yourself. You have to stop taking the blame for everything, just waiting to screw up. You’re not stupid. You don’t ruin anything. Give yourself some credit. Stop expecting the worst from yourself.”

He wanted that. He wanted it so fucking badly. “I don’t know how,” he replied softly.

Clay cupped his cheek, danced his calloused thumb over Dylan’s cheekbone. “I know… I think…I think both of us have some work to do. Do you believe that I love you? Do you think I’ll never love you the way I loved Gordon?”

Dylan sucked in a sharp breath. His chest ached. “I…I know how much he meant to you. I can’t see how you could ever love me like that.”

“Oh, Trouble. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. And I already do love you like that. It’s not about who I love more. You’re both different, I love you in different ways, but Gordon is gone, and that hurts. But it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. That’s because of you. And when I look at my life, when I look at you and think about how I feel, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be. I know I’m with who I’m supposed to be. I hate that Gordon’s gone, but I can’t regret where I am because my world wasn’t complete without you. You’re it for me, Trouble, and I think you were always supposed to be it for me.”

He heard every word Clay said. They broke down some of his barriers, some of his fears, but they wouldn’t go away easily. Dylan could hear them, and part of him believed them, but he didn’t know how to feel like he deserved them. “I’m trying to figure out how you can feel that way.”

“And I’m doing the same. I look at you and I don’t see how you can want me.”