Leo's Chance(18)

She nods yes and happiness spreads through me.

We drive back to Evie’s apartment, chatting about the city.

"Where do you live?" she asks.

"Downtown, right near the new casino."

"Oh! Have you been there?"

"No. I haven’t had time for too many leisure activities. Work has taken up all my time since I moved here." I smile. "Would you want to go sometime?"

"I’d like to see it. But I don’t think I’d be any good at gambling," she says, smiling.

"No? Why not?"

"Not much of a poker face," she says, grinning at me.

I chuckle. "No, huh?"

She shakes her head, still smiling. "So, do you miss California?"

"I miss living near the ocean." Just to sit and look out at that vast body of water made me feel like maybe my problems weren’t as huge as I felt like they were. It made me feel… humbled. That reminder got me through a couple really bad days. "But, no, I like the Midwest. I like the seasons." I smile.

She leans her head back on the headrest and says, "I’d love to see the ocean someday."

I think back to flying over the ocean for the first time and how badly I wanted Evie to be there with me. "I’d love to be the one to show you someday," I say quietly, glancing quickly at her.

She just smiles at me, remaining quiet. I guess it’s a little too early to start making travel plans. I’m already getting better at reading Evie’s face, her expressions coming back to me like a song that I haven’t heard in years and yet still know all the words to. She’s right; she doesn’t have much of a poker face. I smile.

The first time I really noticed her, some nasty little bitch was giving her shit about her mom. I had glanced at Evie and the hurt and shame was right there on her face. I had sat there, frozen, unable to stop staring at this beautiful girl, her emotions clear and present in her eyes. It had been so long since I’d seen that type of vulnerability on someone’s face. I was mesmerized. If pigs had flown over our dinner table, it wouldn’t have surprised me as much as what I saw in Evie’s expression. Hadn’t she learned how to hide that shit? Didn’t she know what stoic meant? You couldn’t give your enemy that type of ammunition – it was emotional suicide. So why was I so damn impressed? Why did I feel my heart squeeze in my chest? I couldn’t figure it out at the time. But I knew there was something about it that was pure beauty. Like seeing the sun suddenly break through the clouds. I wanted to raise my face to it and feel its warmth. She had looked over at me and caught me staring and by that point, I think I was already half in love, something new blossoming in my heart. "Why are you looking at me?" she had hissed, trying and failing to be tough. I liked that, too. I had studied her for a couple more seconds before replying, "Because I like your face." I couldn’t contain the small smile that followed – the first one that’d been on my face for a really, really long time. My gentle lion tamer.

We drive the last couple of miles in companionable silence, both lost in our own thoughts, the radio playing softly in the background.

We pull up a half a block down from her apartment and I turn the car off but don’t make a move to get out. Evie’s looking at me expectantly, a small smile on her face. When I look at her, my heart lodges in my throat. "You are so beautiful when you smile," I say. I missed you so much.

I lean over, gently kissing her and leaning my forehead against hers. I realize vaguely that this is the exact same way we looked into each other’s eyes the night we said goodbye.

We stare at each other for long minutes. Her eyes widen slightly and I can feel her pulse beating wildly at my fingertips. Suddenly, her eyes swim with questions, widening slightly. I freeze. And then I see them go dreamy. She’s pushing the questions away. I see her do it. That look will forever be etched into my soul. That is the look of my Evie surviving. She doesn’t want to know. Emotions are slamming through me; confusion, fear, love. She pulls away from me.

"What's wrong?" I ask, warily.

She exhales. "Nothing. This is just all kind of new for me." She smiles at me and somehow, I find it in me to smile back.

I walk her to her building. That look on her face keeps skating through my mind. I don’t want to say goodnight. I need to do it quickly while I still have the strength to let her walk inside.

We get to her apartment door and I kiss her on her soft lips, smiling at her, whispering goodnight and heading back to my car. As wonderful as our evening was, I’m struggling. I wish to God I had someone to talk to about this. The person I really want to talk to is Evie, but obviously, that’s not an option. The state of my utter aloneness hits me in the gut and I feel something inside twist tight and break as I pull away from the curb.





CHAPTER 11


I drive around for a little while, gripping the steering wheel with the effort to drive away from Evie, rather than back to Evie. I feel confused and needy as hell and this has never been a good combination for me. Feeling needy makes me feel weak and that makes me feel angry. It’s been my lifetime struggle and I’m so f*cking sick of always coming back to this place. My aloneness feels as if it always remains just beyond the surface.

Kissing Evie tonight was one of the best moments of my life, literally. But now it just makes me long for her even more and I don’t know what to do with that. But I either continue on the path that I’m on and keep her in my life, or risk the very real possibility that she’ll reject me if I tell her who I am.