Leo (A Sign of Love Novel)(59)

And with that, he opens my door, exits and closes it quietly behind him.

I stare at the closed door for a minute and then I draw my knees up to my chest, close my eyes and let the tears fall once again.





CHAPTER 28


I end up falling asleep on my couch, exhausted, mentally and physically by everything that's happened over the past twenty four hours.

I feel achy and hollow and I think, numbly that this must be what people mean when they say they're "heartsick."

When I wake up, it's after eight and so I put a single sized frozen pizza in the oven, and then stand at the kitchen counter as I eat it.

I fall into bed at ten after watching Braveheart on dvd and I sleep straight through until seven a.m. when my alarm goes off.

I drag myself to work, and as I pull my cart into the penthouse suite, memories of me and Jake, no Leo, in the chair in the bedroom assault me.

I put in my headphones and begin to clean and my mind goes to work too, trying to make sense of everything Leo dumped in my lap yesterday.

I'm not an expert by any means on male sexual abuse but I have to imagine that it's a really complicated issue, since the abuser most likely doesn't use force or violence. Lauren definitely didn't, although it's clear to me that she took advantage of the naiveté and innocence of a minor, her son for God's sake! Even if Leo himself refuses to put the responsibility entirely on her shoulders.

Maybe I should talk to an expert on this subject to try to understand it better? God, what a completely disgusting situation. I thought I had heard it all. But it was always these types of stories that preceded kids getting put in foster care. I shake my head.

But what of his decision to let me hang because of his own shame? I think back to the devastation and desperation I felt as the months went by with no word from him. And then I picture him there in San Diego, numbing himself with alcohol and drugs, having sex with multitudes (apparently) of random girls and then women.

I cringe. But, God, he was 15! And he was a kid from a messed up background, with absolutely no one to guide him. He made the wrong choice, but can I forgive him now for what he did then, knowing he'd go back and council that hurt, confused kid if he could and help him make a different decision?

And then the third issue, the lie he told to insert himself into my life, again putting his own needs and wants before mine. I can't completely say that his thinking was off base. As I'm pondering all this, I have the advantage (disadvantage?) of knowing that me and Leo are magic together, we fit in every way there is to fit. It would be easier to write Leo off as someone from my past who let me down and can't be trusted if I wasn't intimately acquainted now with the man. And he's a good man. I can't deny that.

Is this so confusing? Am I answering my own questions easily? Or am I trying too hard to make this okay because I'm in love with Jake, er, Leo Madsen?

I stop vacuuming as that thought resinates. I'm in love with Jake/Leo Madsen. Yes, I'm definitely in love with the man. I have been for a while now. I loved the boy, yes. But my love for the man is of an intensity I never could have imagined when I was 14 years old.

I just need to live with these thoughts for a day or two. I'm sorry, Leo, I know you don't want to give me a lot of time, but you can't rush this either. I push my cart out of the room and continue down the hall.

**********

The next day, I meet Landon for coffee after work and fill him in on everything that's happened since I last saw him, finally also telling him all about Leo… Jake… who is Leo. God!

He stares at me with his mouth hanging open slightly after I've talked for a solid thirty minutes.

"Is there a reason you invited me to coffee to lay all this on me instead of for shots in a bar? Jesus!"

I smile softly, "Yeah, I'm on the wagon temporarily. If I start drinking now, I might never stop."

"Right. Well, wow is the understatement of the century. What are you going to do?"

I sigh, "I'm still trying to figure it out." Then I start telling him what I've worked out so far and why.

He nods. "I don't condone lying, Fancy, but if I think about it, I can understand his case for wanting to start out with a clean slate and see what you two could be all about together. I don't know that it was right, and it certainly wasn't honest, but I can see where his mind was."

I nod, biting the inside of my cheek, "I don't like it, but at the same time, it is more difficult for me to discount the fact that we are really good together. What's hard is that I think I would have given him a chance to explain and I would have tried to listen to him if he had just presented himself as Leo right off the bat." I frown, "I think."

"He didn't want to count on that though. And he had just spent six months lying in a hospital bed realizing that you were and are the only woman he'll ever love. He kind of had a lot riding on you accepting him back into your life." He holds his hands up, "Just playing devil's advocate."

I sigh, "I know. There are just so many different levels of emotion for me. I'm trying to sort through them all."

He's quiet for a minute or two. "You know, I know a little bit about male sexual abuse." He's looking at me nervously.

"What?" I whisper. "Oh my God, Lan, you never said anything."