Left Drowning(108)

He is still talking in a whisper, so softly that I have to strain to hear him. Like a little kid telling a secret that he isn’t supposed to. “I started to fall backward down the stairs. I managed to stay upright, but I couldn’t really figure out my footing … So when I hit the landing I just stumbled hard across the floor. Because I couldn’t see, and I couldn’t get my balance … I was so disoriented. That’s when I crashed into the glass display case. It was this giant floor-to-ceiling monstrosity that my father had built to keep a bunch of my mother’s things in. She had china and these silly little glass animals that she loved. That’s what I fell into, and the entire thing shattered around me.

“It must have made a hell of a noise because Sabin woke up, and you know how nothing wakes him. Apparently I passed out for a few minutes, not long. When I came to, the lights were on, and he was crying and fishing me out of the glass. I kept telling him that I was going to be okay. But I didn’t know how much blood there was yet. He got me upstairs to our bathroom and pulled out glass from me for half an hour. When I fell, I must have … ripped open my back on something. Maybe glass, maybe one of the metal shelves. I don’t know. Sabin wanted to take me to the emergency room, but I wouldn’t let him. Because you know what was crazy? There was something good about what happened. I mean, really, really good. I knew that it was over. Nothing would happen again. My father didn’t want to get caught, and he’d get caught. This had gone too far. It was too … visible. I just suddenly wasn’t afraid anymore.

“Sabin stopped the bleeding by putting pressure on my back like I asked him. He bandaged me up with piles of gauze and tape. And we left the mess of glass and blood on the floor for my father to clean up. Sabin stayed in my room that night. He stayed up all night, sitting up against my door just to make sure. But I knew it was over, and I knew what to do.

“The week before, I’d found out that when I turned twenty-one I’d be in charge of most of my mother’s estate, including the house. I don’t like to think that she knew what he was like, but … her will gave everything to us. So maybe she knew, and that’s why she left me in charge. So I threatened him. If he stayed the hell away from my family—my family—I’d let him keep that f*cking palatial house that he loved so much. He could keep working, he could keep being the Goddamn local volunteer hero, he could keep his image that he valued so much. But he wasn’t going to touch any of us again, or I would take it all. Every bit of it.

“That night, after Sabin patched me up, I had him leave a note on top of the broken glass and my blood. It read, No more. Or I take it all. When we got up the next day, everything had been cleaned up. My father never said anything about it, of course. But after that, all the shit stopped. He wouldn’t give up that house, or the studio in it, or my mother’s money.

“I went to college nearby for my freshman and sophomore years, and so did Sabin for his freshman year. We didn’t want to risk leaving the twins alone with him. Then we all went to Matthews together.”

“So that’s the night that my father tried to kill me. He would have, too. I’d be dead if it weren’t for his pager going off. So there’s no God, no divine intervention. Just a page that happened to come through when I needed it the most.”

Chris holds me tightly, still not looking at me. “Now you know. Now you know how completely and irreparably broken I am. I may have lived, but I am too damaged for you. I am not the person you think I am or the one you deserve.”

Before I can protest, he kisses me. And the longer he kisses me, the more I know that he is trying to say good-bye to me and good-bye to us. Eventually he pulls away.

“I was afraid this would happen. Being with you? It brought everything back just like you said it would. It makes all of it worse. No, don’t look at me like that, Blythe. This is not like what you went through. I told you not to fight your past and to let it into your life because I knew it was something you could deal with. This is different. I can see now that we will never escape this. It was better before when I could hide and just stay with the future. We can’t pretend that you don’t know this truth, and we can’t pretend that this will work between us. I wish that I could be somebody else, but what’s happened to me is inextricably part of who I am. Who I will always be. It made me the person who you think you love. And so you love me either because of that or in spite of it. Both of which are unbearable.”





CHAPTER THIRTY


Once Before


Zach and I are alone at the house all night. Both of us are numb. The others have taken Sabin to the emergency room. The minute that Chris finished trying to tell me that we are over, Sabin vomited and started to choke. Chris rolled him over, and when Sabe stopped heaving, he was still unconscious. Chris wouldn’t look at me, but adamantly refused to let me go with them. My hope is that Sabin will have his stomach pumped to all hell or something, and he’ll be okay. So I stare at my phone waiting to hear something.

Outside, an earsplitting clap of thunder announces that the storm that’s been on the way has arrived, and a hard rain starts to fall. Zach has lit a fire to try to take away the chill, but neither of us can stop shivering. We haven’t talked about the implosion of either of our relationships. The devastation and confusion are too great. Also, the anger. We fall asleep together on the couch.