Left Drowning(111)

My heart nearly stops.

I squeeze my hand around it as I walk from my room into Chris’s. Ignoring my general high regard for privacy, especially Christopher’s, I begin frantically rooting through his dresser and his closet. It’s got to be here. He must have it.

It is an hour later that Chris appears in the doorway to my room. “Blythe?”

I am sitting on the floor while tears cascade down my cheeks. I am not sad; I am just overwhelmed. I don’t know how to explain this to him because I cannot explain it to myself. I look up at the person whom I love more than anything in the world.

“Blythe, what are you doing?” He kneels down in front of me.

I can’t speak. There is no way to begin.

“Sabin is all right,” he says. “He’s going to rehab. The hospital staff is very nice here, and they’re helping us find a good place. He’d like for you to call him later.”

I nod. “Of course. I’m relieved he’s okay.”

Chris fiddles with his watch so that he doesn’t have to look at me. “We’re going to pack up today. Probably leave tomorrow.”

“No,” I say clearly. “No you’re not. You are not ending things between us. You are not ending us.”

“I need to. I can’t do this with you. It’s too much.” He stands.

“You’ve said that before, but I’m not going to accept it this time. You don’t know what you’re saying, and you’re not being fair to me.”

“Look, the things you think you love about me? You shouldn’t. Not really. My … past. It’s part of me; it affects everything that I do in the most f*cked up way. You think that I’m strong; you love that I take care of you. But I’m only like that because of what happened. I was forced to become bulletproof and competent because I faced complete insanity. That competence and diligence that you get off on is tainted. Jesus, even in bed. You like how I am with you. I’m … controlling. I’m in charge a lot. You even said it to me, that I don’t like to be out of control. See? How am I supposed to be who you want when you know why I am the way I am? It’s not real strength.” His voice shakes. “Every part of me is affected. It’s why I left you in the first place, why I ran to someone safe. Because you can’t possibly deal with what a f*cking disaster I’m bound to be. You know all that. So you should know that I’m not good for you or for anyone. I have done everything wrong so far. Everything. I’ll end up destroying you the way I’ve destroyed everything and everyone. The only smart thing that I can do now is to leave.”

“Stop it. Just stop it!” I’m angry now. “Don’t you ever talk about yourself like that, and you don’t you dare presume to tell me why I love you. Give me more f*cking credit than that. You got yourself, and your brothers and sister through the unimaginable. And you got me through my own nightmare. I love you for so many reasons, but I don’t love you because of those reasons. I love you simply because I do. And that’s it. That’s the only goddamn thing that matters. I love every single part of you. So, no, Christopher, no. We are not over. And I can prove to you why.” I stand up, using the bed for support. I am shaky, but I am also clearheaded. “I want to show you something. I need you to trust me. Can you do that? Just for a minute.”

Chris looks so tremendously sad, but he nods.

“I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make this okay.” I don’t know if I’m talking more to him or to myself, but I am trying hard to believe in what I am going to show him and tell him.

I stand him with his back to my dresser. “Just stay there. Don’t move.” I take the lightweight full-length mirror from the other side of the room and lean it against the bed so that it reflects into the mirror across from it. I stand in front of him and take his face in my hands. I lift up and kiss him softly. He doesn’t kiss me back because, I’m guessing, he feels broken and unworthy of anything even close to love. I can’t stand that. As I lift the bottom hem of his shirt up, he tries to stop me, but I brush him away. “Trust me.” Chris lets me raise his shirt. I move my left arm under his right and set my forearm on his back, angled up to meet the other hand that goes over his shoulder. “Look in the mirror.” I hold him tightly, close my eyes and wait. “It’s okay.”

In a few seconds, I feel him tense. His panic sets in. I know how this feels from him because of the many nights that he has awoken me with his nightmares. It was disconcerting for me when I saw this, but for him it is terrifying because it defies how he makes sense of the world. There is no logic or explanation to this and I know that he’s scared.

“Breathe with me, Chris. Breathe.” I inhale and exhale. It’s simple. This is how you do it. In and out. Breathe.

“Blythe, how can … No. This can’t be real.”

“But it is. This is real. We are real.”

There is disbelief in his words that I know all too well. “We’re like … puzzle pieces that fit together.”

“Yes. Exactly. I first saw this when we were at the hotel. I didn’t want to tell you then because I didn’t understand it. But I do now.” I step out of the way as Chris reaches for his shirt and pulls it quickly over his head.

“How could you possibly understand this? It’s just some weird … coincidence. It doesn’t mean anything. It can’t.”