Lead (Stage Dive, #3)(94)

“Go on.”

“That’s not what you want,” he said, a shadow of doubt crossing his face for the first time.

“I can’t have what I want, Jimmy. I never could. All you have to do is fire me and I’ll go away. You won’t ever have to think about it ever again. It’ll be like it never happened. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Whoever said love and hate were the same knew what they were talking about. Because the way Jimmy was looking at me would have burned a lesser woman to the ground. Last night he’d loved me, or my body at least. Now, there should have only been ashes where I stood.

“I go away and everything’s easy again, uncomplicated,” I said. “You can go back to hiding from the world. I won’t be here to stop you.”

“Shut up.”

“Fire me, Jimmy.” My smile must have looked every bit as bitter as it tasted. “Send me away.”

Someone said something but it passed right by me, unheard. There was only me and him.

“You know you want to,” I said. “It’d be so much simpler if I wasn’t here.”

“Shut the f*ck up, Lena.”

“Go on,” I urged, leaning forward. “No time like the present, right? Do it.”

A muscle jumped in his jaw line.

“DO IT.”

His chin jerked.

Done.

The breath rushed out of me and I shut my eyes tight. Tears escaped anyway, the cunning bastards. Talk about f*cking drama. Enough.

“You promised you wouldn’t relapse if I left. I’m holding you to that,” I said, my voice cracking, the words coming so much harder now.

Another nod.

“Hang on,” said Mal, rushing over. “Jim, man. C’mon, this is Lena. You can’t fire her!”

“Lena, wait.” David reached out a hand.

“It’s okay,” I said, wiping my face, forcing my way past the band.

I didn’t want to see the others but of course my gaze went there, taking in the whole of the ugly pathetic scene. Plenty of shell-shocked faces and one vaguely embarrassed glance on Dean’s part. Not like it really mattered, I’d never see any of them ever again. This part of my life was over.

An argument started up behind in the kitchen, numerous voices raised in anger and dismay. I didn’t slow down, didn’t turn back.

There’s probably a lot of things I could say about the nature of love. Exactly what I did or didn’t mean to Jimmy would never be known, perhaps not even to himself. Love was truly one of life’s mysteries. That it could f*ck you five ways to Sunday and still remain so utterly perplexing and unknown was kind of impressive. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Right then, I was looking at the long lonely road home. My childhood home, that is. The home I’d shared with him was gone.

Tears flowed faster and I let them fall unchecked.

Somethings were meant to be felt to their fullest. Get it out, get it over with, and all the rest.

I liked to think he’d miss me, but the truth was, he’d be fine once I was gone. There’d be someone else to step into my shoes, someone to answer his emails and keep him sorted. Chances were, they’d do a better job than I ever had.

The end.

*

A massive white satin bow sat in pride of place on the front door. Christ, Alyce and her look-at-me bullshit. This wedding had clearly taken on gargantuan proportions in my absence. Maybe I should have holed up in a hotel room until all of this had blown over.

No. That was quitters talk.

I was made of tougher stuff.

After all, I’d already walked away from one life-altering, heart-shattering situation this week. To make it through my sister and ex’s wedding would be no biggie. Eardrum piercing, girly squeals of glee could be heard coming from inside. It was the night before her nuptials, I guess she had all of her remaining three bridesmaids over. Britney Spears music suddenly pumped out, loud and proud.

Yeah, no, okay, I couldn’t do it.

Not a f*cking chance.

My weary body and mind had already been dragged half way across the damn country. I’d left a lot of stuff behind in boxes with a message for Ev to please have it forwarded. All that mattered was getting the hell out of his house in one reasonable rational piece.

Pam drove me to the airport despite my protestations I could get a cab. Such a lovely woman, it was a pity I’d never get to be her apprentice. The rest of the band and company fortunately remained downstairs. To face any of them following Jimmy’s and my drama-ridden break-up would have been more than I could bear. The $10,000 Nikon stayed behind on the piece of furniture formerly known as my bedside table.

Jimmy could do with it what he liked. No way was I taking it with me.

My immediate existence revolved around expunging every trace of him from my memory. I’d forget the sound of his voice and the smell of him covered in sweat. I’d never again think about the one hundred and one stupid little conversations we’d had, all the things we fought about. My broken heart had been taped and glued to perfection. And all of these things were gone.

They had to be gone so I could face the future and put him in the past.

There was no way, however, I could face whatever fresh hell was happening inside my childhood home. Britney Spears. Give me strength. I about-faced, preparing to drag my full suitcase the two blocks back into town since my cab had already gone. So far as I knew, Toni still worked at the Burns Bed and Breakfast. If I slipped her twenty she’d keep my whereabouts secret for a couple of days.