Lead (Stage Dive, #3)(98)

“No, it’s not okay.” I tried to smile, as if there was any way to soften the blow for either of us. My hands twisted and turned, lying in my lap. “You need to leave, Jimmy.”

“What?”

It hurt to look at him. It hurt to love him even more. “You need to leave. I’m not coming back. That’s not going to happen.”

“Lena.” He grabbed my wrist, holding on tight. “You don’t mean that, you love me.”

“Yeah, I really do you know.” My throat hurt and my eyes itched.

“Then why won’t you come back?” he demanded, keeping up his grip on me.

“Self-respect, self-preservation, both of these things. And because you being willing to put up with my love is not good enough. Not even remotely. I’m not going to be your regular live-in f*ck buddy, Jimmy, exclusive or not. Your whole offer is soul destroying.”

His eyes darkened. “I thought it would make you happy.”

“Well, it doesn’t.”

“I’m trying to give you what you want here, Lena.”

“No, you’re trying to give me what you want. That’s not how relationships work. You haven’t learned anything,” I said, my chin getting tight and quivery with emotion. Damn annoying. “Wondering what I might want has yet to even cross your mind.”

“Fuck’s sake, what do you want then, huh?” he bit out.

“I want you to love me.” I pushed off his fingers. This time, he let me go.

Frustration filled his face. “Ask for something else … anything.”

We were done. Slowly, I rose, standing tall.

Jimmy looked up at me, his jaw unyielding. “I can’t.”

“Then you shouldn’t have come here. You should have let me go.”

He flew to his feet, violently shoving back his chair. “Wait.”

“What?”

“She said no one would ever love me.”

She being his bitch mother of course. I shook my head sadly. “She was wrong.”

The room swam in my tear filled eyes. Fuck love. God, I was so over this shit. I don’t know how many times a girl could have her heart broken by the one guy, but seriously, talk about being done. I needed to see if mom had a Kleenex.

Also, why was the band still playing that stupid song? As of now, I officially hated it. I determinedly walked on toward my designation, never say die and all that. Dad would drop me home. Only man a girl could depend upon was her father.

“Lena.”

I stopped. Faces were staring, but none of them mattered.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice close behind me.

“Jimmy—”

“Just listen. Please. Just let me get this out.”

My chin jerked.

“I need you to come back with me, please.” His breath warmed my ear. The heat of his body beckoned against my back. “I can’t stand not having you there, not knowing what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, not being able to tell you things and share them with you. It’s just … nothing’s the same. I hate waking up without you and I worry constantly that you’re okay, that you’ve got everything you need. Look, the truth is, I’m all about you, Lena. You’re my best friend. You’re my girl.”

I closed my eyes, just listening to his words.

“No one else has ever meant what you do to me. Please, just … just, come back with me and stay. For good.”

My shoulders started trembling this time, my knees apparently being worn out. Motherf*cking rock stars. Seriously. Strong hands slid over my shoulders, turning me around.

“I’m sorry I f*cked things up. I thought if we could just stay the same, then everything would be all right and you’d never want to leave. But I didn’t give you what you needed and it all went to shit.” His beautiful blue eyes shone suspiciously bright. “I’m sorry. I don’t want anybody else. You’re everything to me, Lena. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I need you to know that. You gotta understand that, okay?”

I just stared at him, transfixed.

“Say something,” he urged.

“Jimmy, that’s love.”

His mouth opened, shut again. The look of surprise would have been hilarious if my heart, soul, and future happiness weren’t at stake. I wasn’t projecting, he really had said all of those things. There was a chance at a happy ending, there had to be. Because you didn’t feel so damn much for someone and then just walk away again. Not like this.

“Love,” he said, like he was testing the words, trying them on for size. Hands sat either side of my neck, his thumbs stroking my jaw. “Shit. Okay. All right.”

I waited.

His eyes seemed impossibly wide. “Yeah, you’re right. I love you.”

“Are you sure?” I had to ask.

Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah. I am. I didn’t think I could do that, but…”

I grabbed two fistfuls of the bound-to-be-insanely priced white shirt and buried my face against his chest. It was all too much. His arms wrapped around me, holding on tight. Honestly, I was half-tempted to kick him in the shin for putting me through this.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his face buried in my hair. “I’m so f*cking sorry I hurt you. I love you, Lena. So damn much.”