Kiss and Don't Tell(83)

If she gave me the okay, I would be all over her right now, but even though I can sense her need for me, I can see in her eyes that maybe she’s just not completely ready.

Doesn’t mean I can’t tease her, though.

“Well, you know where my room is if you change your mind.” With a wink, I head out of her room and straight to mine. I don’t even bother to stop by my bed, but go straight to the shower.





Chapter Eighteen





WINNIE





I can’t sleep. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shut my brain off.

The last forty-eight hours have been an absolute roller coaster.

I spent the day with Pacey.

I kissed him—me, I kissed him, I made the first move.

I spent another day with him and his friends and fell for the man over and over with every word that came out of his mouth.

Then I slept with him curled around me for a good portion of the day and it was . . . the best feeling I’ve ever felt.

Then I freaked out because I shouldn’t be feeling things like that about a man I just met.

Then . . . hell . . . then Josh texted me.

Yeah, Josh.

Apparently, he needs to talk to me about something. And he kept texting back after my replies. I’m finally in a healthy state of mind and completely over him, so why is he texting now? Why is he trying to throw me for a loop?

And on top of that were my emotions—dredged up, I know, because of Pacey’s migraine—about my mom.

Things have gotten complicated.

Then Pacey said he was leaving. And I said I was leaving.

Then Pacey said he wants to date me. I think he’s insane for wanting to hitch his wagon to this hot-mess express.

Then I kissed him again because apparently, I have no willpower.

And now I’m lying here, alone, in my bed at one thirty in the morning, with nothing better to do than stare at the ceiling because my mind won’t stop racing, thinking about a man I can’t seem to forget. And it’s also racing, thinking about a man I’d rather forget.

I roll to my side and pick up my phone, pulling up the text thread with Josh. The last thing I ever expected was to receive a text from him, from the man who left me feeling empty and alone at the most devastating moment of my life.

I read our exchange, still trying to wrap my head around it all.

Josh: Hey, Winnie, it’s Josh. Not sure if you deleted my number after everything we went through. I wanted to reach out and see how you were doing.

I didn’t respond to him right away, because what was I really supposed to say to that? I decided to ignore him because I didn’t think he deserved my attention. But then he texted again.

Josh: I probably deserve your silence. I didn’t handle things very well with you and it’s one of the biggest regrets I have. I’ve been doing some work on myself and I really need to see you. I need to talk to you, in person. Please tell me you’re open to at least seeing me.

I’m not sure if it’s because I was in a weak state of mind, or if it’s my personality to be nice to people even when they’re assholes to me, but I texted him back.

Winnie: Hey, Josh. I still have your number, even though I probably should’ve deleted it.

It’s all I could stomach writing, but it opened the lines of communication.

Josh: That’s really fair. I’m grateful that you didn’t. How are you?

Winnie: Doing okay.

Josh: I heard about your mom and the bookstore. I went by the old storefront the other day and a pang of sorrow blasted through me. I fucked up, Winnie, big time, and I need to see you.

Winnie: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Josh: I can understand your reservations. I wasn’t very kind to you toward the end of our relationship.

Winnie: You made me feel less than I am, Josh. You left me when I needed you most. You made me second-guess my beauty and put a dent in my self-esteem.

Josh: There’s no excuse for how I treated you, none at all. Despite what I was going through, there’s no reason for me to have treated you the way I did, and I’m really sorry, Winnie.

Winnie: Going through? You were going through something?

Josh: It’s why I want to talk to you, in person. It’s important, Winnie. I can meet you wherever you want to meet. I’m in Vancouver now, but I can drive down to wherever you are now. Just let me know when and where, and I’ll be there.

I haven’t responded to him yet.

I honestly don’t know what to say to him, because if he was truly going through something and I wasn’t there for him, that would make me feel even worse than I already do. But what would Pacey think if I met with him? I know Pacey lays no claim to me, at least that’s what I’m assuming—not sure after the conversation we just had—but Pacey thinks very lowly of Josh. I know he’d despise me talking to him because of the damage he knows Josh caused me.

This is all such a mess, and one of the reasons why I just need to leave, to clear my head, to start fresh.

And the worst part of this all is I feel as though my mom has taken a backseat to this entire mess. It’s why I decided to pay Uncle RJ a visit tomorrow. Because despite Pacey and Josh floating around in my head, I know one thing for sure—I’m getting that trophy, even if I have to peel out of his driveway, unbuckled, hair whipping in the wind. I’m getting that trophy.