Jesus Freaks: Sins of the Father(87)

I jump as his voice echoes off the walls and through my head. The crowd claps and interjects with choruses of“Amen” and “Hallelujah.” Just like that he’s Pastor Roland. Did I expect him to continue the somber—honestly depressing—rhetoric of my absence from his life? After all, I am right here. By all accounts he should be rejoicing. I’m here, with him.

Thinking back to the sermons I’ve heard about the life he missed with me, I don’t know if I can recall a single time that he ever stated he wanted me back in his life. It seems he just accepted the living consequence that I would never be.

“Yes!” Roland claps his hands once and silence immediately takes over the room. “Yes, Lord. Thank you Jesus for seeing us through the darkest hours. No matter how long those hours might be. No matter if those hours turn to days, weeks, months, or many years. God will see you through to the finish line.”

Shifting in my seat, I beg the swirling nausea to stay in my stomach and not all over the probably hand-dyed carpet of New Life Church. People are expecting a lot out of me, according to Matt and the PK bloggers that have long coveted my existence. They’re expecting more than I can give. I don’t want to be the poster child for anything let alone Evangelical children.

People will dig. And when they dig they’ll find the work I’ve done at Planned Parenthood, and anti-war rallies I’ve attended. And, never mind the gay rights protests I helped my mom organize. I squeeze my eyes shut. They’ll dig and they’ll throw my own dirt at me. Work I view as important, they’ll call dirt. Matt says the PK’s are anticipating that I’ll speak for them, somehow, but how many of them know what my words will be? Can they still stand behind me when they know of the liberal skeletons in my closet? When they realize I’ll never work for Focus on the Family?

There are so many theological questions I don’t have answers to, either. Evolution. Where does life begin? What happens when it ends? I just don’t know and what opinions I do have have absolutely zero basis in scripture.

I fear that once everything is brought to the surface, I’ll not only be demonized by the ultra-conservative people around me, but left behind by the PK’s who have assured their allegiance to me.

I train my eyes on Roland who is fervently praising God with his charming grin. He catches my stare and offers a quick wink before launching into verses from the Bible that talk about God “coming through” for all of us.

The nausea is getting harder to hold back. Has Roland’s victory become my darkest hour?




Jesus Freaks: The Prodigal

is planned for release in November 2014





Acknowledgements


I’m always afraid I’m going to forget someone. Forgive me in advance if I do.

First, and foremost, I have to thank Charles Miles. You thought I was going to say “God”, didn’t you. ;) Gotchya. Charles, love, you have been supportive of this project when it was still just swirling thoughts in my brain. I love sharing this life with you and I do thank Him every single day for you. Thank you for taking on so much: cover design, formatting, and helping me navigate marketing. You’re a true indie-pub warrior.

Pamela Carrion. Your tireless work for Randall’s Readers and all of my promotional craziness is never unappreciated. I wish I could give you the moon, girl, I really do. You’re amazing and anyone is lucky if they have you in their corner.

Erin Roth. It’s a pleasure growing in our editor/writer relationship. The things you catch continue to amaze me. I’m also honored to have a friendship with you growing right along side this business nonsense. <3

My beta readers. Pamela, Laura, Sally, Krystle, Megan, Charles, Lindsay, Melissa B., Lisa, Stacey. You guys are stellar. The cheerleading, the questioning, the word-slaying.

Laura Wilson. Thank you for putting up with reading chunks of this story out of order via text message. Sometimes I just have to get something off my chest. To simply call you a “friend” would be lacking, but there isn’t enough room here for me to describe the gratefulness I have that you’re in my life.

Jessica Fear. Thank you for taking time out of your summer to sketch the picture that became the cover for this book. You’re an incredibly talented young woman, and I look forward to working with you on the rest of this series and beyond.

My parents for giving me a jumping off point in my faith. A place from which I could turn away, but one to which I could return.

My church families. All of them. From the time I was a young girl, through my two-year walk with the Pagans, and when I came back, you’ve all always been there for me. Guiding me. Sometimes silently, sometimes loudly. In your words and actions, direct and indirect, you’ve helped shape my views and beliefs. Specifically, I’d like to thank Pastor Randy and Pastor Sanjoy. The true questions and honest search for answers began and continue with those two men respectively.

Finally, Randall’s Readers. All of these books are really for you. My people.