It's All Relative(104)
It hadn’t been a dream. He really had been thrusting into Jessie. He’d listened to her cry out in ecstasy, felt her body clench around him as she came. And he’d released inside of her. Right now, she was carrying a part of him within her. The thought made his stomach feel like it had just been sliced open.
Standing, Kai glanced down at his limp, fulfilled body. At least one of them was happy about this. Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and debated having another heart to heart with his seemingly independent male parts. He’d already told that stubborn piece of equipment that it couldn’t have her. Of all the times to rebel…this was the worst.
Running a hand through his hair, Kai stared into the fire. No, he couldn’t separate his body into warring factions like that. The truth was…he’d wanted her, heart and soul, head to toe. He loved her so much he wanted that to happen every night. He wanted to hold her afterwards, kiss her, fall asleep in her arms. Warm, safe…content. He wanted to go slowly with her, take his time making love to her. He wanted to drape her across that damn clichéd animal rug and explore every perfect inch of her.
But it was wrong to feel that way, wrong to want those things. It went against everything he was comfortable with. It filled him with self-loathing. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why couldn’t he turn away from her? Why couldn’t he shut off his feelings whenever she was near him? He knew he needed to do that somehow, and he also knew that if he really couldn’t…then he couldn’t stay near her anymore.
Sighing, he shuffled to the bathroom. Kai needed to shower. Having the lingering scent of her on his body was too much to bear. Even still, as he turned on the water, he took a deep inhale, savoring her fragrance on his skin. As much as he wanted to get rid of every trace of her, he also wanted to keep it with him forever.
Annoyed at his body’s constant emotional tug of war, Kai glanced at himself in the mirror. He could just see the edge of his tattoo curling around his collar bone. Jessie loved his tattoo, loved that it was something only she knew about. Even something he’d done as a teenager, as a rite of passage with his friends, now reminded him of her. Would anything not remind him of her now? Kai ran his fingers over the black ink as he remembered his past and contemplated his future. He didn’t know what to do. For the first time in his life, Kai had no idea what direction to go. Stay? Leave? Ignore her again? Continue their friendship? Somehow.
Seeing the hot steam escaping the open shower door, Kai figured he could start with that. Stepping into it, he sighed in relief. The scalding water pummeling him helped ease the tension in his aching muscles; being surrounded by his favorite substance helped ease his spinning mind. Right at that moment, Kai wished he were back home. He could listen to the surf for hours, could paddle out into the water early in the morning when no one else was around, and could work through his problems with only Mother Nature as his companion. Of course, when he was back at home, his biggest problem had been deciding which twin he should ask to prom. God, how he wished he could return to the easy questions.
Kai emerged from the shower clean if not refreshed, but now that his body smelled like the lodge’s generic body wash, he missed the lingering trace of Jessie on his skin. Missed it a lot. Wrapping himself in a towel, he hesitated at the bathroom door. Should he really walk into the room like this, if she was back from her walk? And where did she go, anyway? Kai hoped she hadn’t gone walking around outside. Bad things could happen to pretty girls who wandered in the middle of the night.
Worry spurring his actions, he rushed into the main part of the suite only to find it empty. He looked around for any sign that Jessie had come back, but everything was exactly how they’d left it. Even their discarded pajamas were still strewn beside the fireplace. Setting his mouth into a hard line, he shut off the stupid, overly romantic firelight. He’d rather be cold than be reminded of what had happened. Picking up their clothes, he shoved them into open bags. Then he folded up the blanket and put it away. Kai couldn’t sleep on it now, not when the image of Jessie’s pale skin draped across it was burned into his brain.
Without bothering the pretense of getting any sleep tonight, Kai changed into casual clothes. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he played with his hands while he waited for Jessie to come back. He wasn’t sure what he would say to her. He was sorry? It seemed like such a tiny word now, one that had lost all its meaning, since they’d used it so much. Plus, she’d technically kissed him first. But then again, he’d stoked her to a boiling point with his damn evocative talk, and even after she’d asked him to stop…
Jesus. None of that should have happened. He should have moved away from her, said goodnight, and let that be the end of it. He should have ignored the warmth and love in the room and they should have gone their separate ways. That was how the evening was supposed to play out. Not like this, with both of them disgusted, and hating themselves for caving into temptation.
Kai sighed as he slumped over his knees. He really didn’t like to think of Jessie all alone out there, struggling through this emotional tidal wave on her own. Was she sobbing now? She’d been lightly crying in the room. And damn it, hadn’t he thought earlier in the evening that he never wanted to make her cry again? How quickly he’d ruined that.
Standing up, Kai started pacing. Maybe Jessie had gone to Harmony and April’s room. Maybe she’d finally confessed to them that she had horrible feelings for her cousin. Maybe she’d told her friends she was in love with him. And he knew now that she was. She hadn’t said it, but he’d seen the look in her eyes as she’d said goodnight. She was in love with him, in the same sick, twisted way that he was in love with her. Kai wished she wasn’t. It would be so much easier for her if her problem was only that she was attracted to him.