In the Stillness(52)

“A dream . . . nightmare . . . did I say anything?” I realize tears are still streaking down my face. I can’t stop them.

“You were screaming for Ryker to stop.” Eric’s face twists awkwardly when he says Ryker’s name.

I nod and swallow, petitioning my nerves to stop vibrating and my heart to return to normal.

“Weird . . .” is all I can manage. There’s no way I can possibly explain that nightmare to Eric without telling him I ran into Ryker. Without telling him that the guilt I carry for ruining Ryker’s life still makes it hard to breathe some days.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Do I f*cking appear to be okay?

I nod. “I just need a shower and a drink.” I chuckle more for myself than him. “We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“Right. Are you sure you’re all right? I was just heading out to help finish moving the offices, but I’ll stay—”

“No, go. It’s good.”

The last thing I need is Eric in my face while I try to process what the hell just went haywire with my subconscious.

Eric lets out a sigh that’s clearly one of relief more than resignation before he kisses me on the cheek. I flinch a little—but maybe it was internal because he doesn’t seem to notice—and he’s out the door.

With a sigh of my own, I land face down on my pillow and moan sobs that stretch from my dream—sobs that feel like they’re from the beginning of time—until I find myself dry-heaving in the bathroom with a razor in my hand.

I choose a new spot this time. One I’ve never used before. The inner arm, a few inches from my armpit. Goosebumps of anticipation spring throughout my scalp as I close my eyes and bring the blade to my skin. The moment of contact floods me with relief from the hell that was that nightmare. The second pass is for the family I’m about to break up. Ashamed that I’m going to force a little boy who’s going deaf into living in two different homes, I keep cutting. For him. For me. For ruining lives.

Apparently, I’m good at that.





Two hours later, I’m pulled together enough to meet Tosha for a drink before I have to face Eric and his colleagues, when I hear his cell phone ring in the kitchen.

Great. He left it here.

I call Tosha.

“Hey, I’ll be a few minutes late. I’m going to run by Eric’s office and give him his cell. He left it on the counter.”

“Oh, f*ck him.” I can tell she’s mentally flipping him off.

“Well, the thing dings with emails and shit every five seconds. It’s annoying. I’m not meeting up with him for a few hours anyway, and if I decide to bail on him I’ll need him to have his phone.”

“Good point. Hurry your ass up.”

“Judie’s, right?”

“Of course. I’ll have a martini waiting.”

“Make it extra strong. I’ll explain later.” I have to tell Tosha about the dream. We used to analyze our dreams all the time in college. Well, until mine became really scary and I stopped telling her about them.

As I drive through campus, I decide to call my parents to check in on the boys.

“Hello?” My dad’s voice sounds light and playful.

“Hey Dad, just calling to check on my little men.”

“Boys, you wanna talk to mommy?”

They cheer their response and it hits me—I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to talk to Oliver on the phone. Then what? Skype? What did people do before Skype?

My dad puts the phone on speaker. “Hi Mommy!” they shout in unison.

“Are you guys having fun?” I force a cheery tone despite the hippopotamus sitting on my throat.

“Yes!” They spill into a rant about the fun things they’ve done and cool things they’ve eaten. They sound happy and I have to remind myself, that’s the most important thing right now.

Until I tell them Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. Which I can’t do until Eric acknowledges that’s what’s happening.

Sigh . . .

I say my goodbyes to them and my parents as I pull into the lot in front of Eric’s building. I see his car, and I’m glad he didn’t switch buildings when he switched offices or I’d be screwed.

Putting the car in park, I press my head back into the headrest for a moment, still trying to get that nightmare out of my mind. Ryker looked happy when I saw him at Atkins. And healthy. And we hugged. Still, I can’t escape the shiver that comes from hearing the gunshot inside the nightmare as I open the door and head for Eric’s building.

I make my way to Eric’s old office first, since I’m not sure where his new one is. I figure if someone else is in there they can point me in the direction of where to go. Walking up the stairs, thanks to the broken elevator, I’m thankful for the lack of military girlfriends in my path, unlike the last time I was in here. With any luck there won’t be any crying coeds in his office since school’s done. Rounding the corner to his office, I’m glad to hear Eric’s voice for a second before it goes silent like he’s on the phone—this means I don’t have to go on a scavenger hunt for him.

I nearly trip through his doorway when I find him standing in front of a woman sitting on his desk. It’s not so much that I’m surprised to see them there; it’s more about the fact that her legs are wrapped around his calves, and their tongues are in each other’s mouths as he holds the back of her neck that causes me to drop his phone and watch the screen shatter into a million pieces.