In the Stillness(24)

Unavailable.

“Ryker!” I chanced it. I was right.

“Natalie, are you okay? You sound all shaky or something.” He sounded strong. Sure. Ryker.

I dropped the razor to the floor and stared at the fear and insecurities slashed across my arm. I crumbled into more tears. “I miss you, Ry. So much. I know it’s only been four months but—”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Nat. I miss you like crazy, too. Before you know it I’ll be home.”

Little did we know, he was right. I know he’d take back that promise if he could.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffed, “how are you?”

“I’m fine. Tell me something good.” I could hear the smile in his voice and it broke my heart all over again.

“Um, well, I threw a beer in some girl’s face a few weeks ago.” I laughed, not thinking that I’d have to tell him the story.

Ryker let out a full-chested laugh. “What?”

“Yeah, she got all pissy about the yellow ribbon on my coat, so I soaked her.”

“That’s my girl. Don’t beat anyone up, though. I’d hate to come home to you in jail.” He sounded proud of me. I liked that.

“I won’t. Promise.” We spent the next few minutes in a place where neither one of us were lonely. I felt like, with Ryker, I would never be lonely. No matter what.

After we hung up, I stared at my arm—immediately feeling ashamed. The bitch of it is, it didn’t make me throw the razor away—it made me cut a few more times before I heard Tosha come through the door. I hopped in the shower as an excuse to walk into our room with my arms crossed over my towel around my body. I didn’t know how long I’d be able to hide it from her.

*

While inside Tosh and Liz’s apartment, Eric calls my phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Babe. I just talked to my mom. I’ll pick up the boys when I’m done here. She said something came up?”

“Yeah, I’m at Tosha’s. Everything’s fine, now—just a minor meltdown between her and Liz.” Tosha purses her lips as I flip her the bird.

“Take your time. Love you, see you later.”

I try to hide my sigh. “Love you, too. Later.”

“Well, that sounded convincing,” Tosha teases.

“Shit, do you think he noticed anything?”

“Knowing Eric, probably not. What are you gonna do, Nat? I haven’t seen you this unhappy in a long time.”

Almost on command, the cuts on my legs itch.

“I don’t know. I can’t leave him now. He’s a good dad, and he could never do it alone without massive help from his mom. I have no interest in being a single full-time mom. I’d lose it.” I sit back and run my hands through my long black hair.

“It sounds like you’re already losing it, Nat. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will.” I nod.

I see it in her eyes, though. She doesn’t believe me. She already knows too much. She knows everything.





Chapter 12





I wander around Northampton for a little bit after leaving Tosha’s apartment, trying to get my thoughts in order before going home.

I don’t want to go home.

I grab a cappuccino from the Italian bakery and float mindlessly through Thorne’s Marketplace, forcing myself to remember the clothes I used to wear, the incense I used to buy, and the person I used to be.

I shouldn’t have come here, not in this mindset. The creek of the floors and the smell of the fair-trade, organic coffee remind me of something I haven’t thought about in years. The worst day of my life. Sitting on the dusty wooden stairs, I dig my elbows into my knees and try to breathe away the impending panic attack.

Not here. Not again.

*

I was wandering around the same market, then. Alone, de-stressing after getting my ass in gear and pulling my grades back up to Dean’s List level. I reveled in the life Northampton provided. Tosha talked a lot about moving here after graduation, and I hoped she would.

With Fiona Apple blasting through my earbuds, I was glad I put my cell phone on vibrate as I thanked the barista for my coffee. I headed to the stairs and pulled out my phone. It wasn’t “unavailable,” meaning it wasn’t Ryker, but it was a number I didn’t recognize.

“Hello?” I left one earbud in, Fiona still singing in my ear.

“Hello, Natalie?” A woman’s voice I didn’t quite recognize came through the other end.

I turned off my first generation iPod—one that cost my parents a fortune—and pulled out the other earbud. “This is.”

Her voice was unsteady. “Natalie, this Julia. . . Ryker’s mom.”

I’m glad I made it to the stairs, because I was sitting down anyway. Luckily, they caught me. My pulse raced more thoughts per second through my head than I’d ever experienced before. News reports scrolled through my visual memory. I thought the worst; I thought the best. I thought why wouldn’t his dad be calling me? That meant it had to be bad. Ryker’s dad was his emergency contact, since he lived with him in Amherst. Julia lived somewhere else . . . Colorado? Wyoming? Something . . .

“Hi Julia . . .” I tried to sound nonchalant.

The longest silence in existence followed.