In the Stillness(20)

“That’s the reason I’m calling, actually. We’ll obviously be up for Eric’s graduation, and I was wondering if your father and I could take the boys back to our house for a week or so? Once they start kin—”

“Yes!” I cut in excitedly. “That’d be great! Boys, do you want to stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s house soon?”

“Yaaaay!” they cheer in unison before returning their attention to Curious George.

Eric steps in with a plate of steaming chicken and sets it on the counter. He saunters over to me and moves my hair off my shoulder, kissing my neck. I shrug away like his doing that is preventing me from listening to my mother.

“It’s set, then. After graduation we’ll take the boys for the week. I’m sure Eric needs some time to unwind after the long year he’s had.”

“Mmhmm,” I’m actually biting my tongue, “he sure does. We really appreciate it, Mom. Dinner’s ready. Tell Dad ‘hi’ and that we love him. Bye.”

Despite my mother’s constant underhanded comments and motives, I feel a giant load off my shoulders that they’re going to take the boys for a whole week. The relief I feel suddenly makes the sweat on the back of Eric’s neck sexy. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, kissing a spot of sweat away.

“My mom’s going to take the boys for a week,” I whisper into his ear as I kiss it.

I hear him swallow hard. “I heard.” He turns and grabs my hips, planting a hot kiss on my lips. “It’ll be nice.”

“Let’s eat and get the boys to bed, okay?” I purr seductively.

He smiles his boy-on-the-sidewalk smile. “You got it.”

For the rest of the night I feel normal. Pre-twin, pre-leaving school, pre-everything normal. I don’t think about cutting at all. I focus on my husband—the hot doctoral student I get to call my own. The man who stood by me when he knew everything. Everything.





Chapter 10





The rest of the week has gone well. I feel revived and focused, all from one phone call—with my mother of all people—promising a small break from my life. When I get home from dropping the boys off at preschool, I see Eric’s car in the driveway.

“What’s going on?” I ask as I walk in the apartment.

He sweeps me off my feet and hoots into my ear. “They offered me a position! UMass offered me a permanent research and teaching position!” He beams with excitement as every single thing he’s ever dreamed has just come true.

“Oh my God, really? Really! What’d you say?” I tighten my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He gently sets me down. “I told them I’d need to discuss it with my wife.”

See, that’s the thing about Eric. I would have jumped up and down screaming yes! all the way across campus. He needs to check with his wife.

“What’s there to discuss? It’s outstanding job security, a ridiculous salary . . .”

“And lots of lab hours,” he finishes my sentence. “A research position is awesome, Nat, but it’s all lab, all the time, with classes in between.”

I pull back a little. “How many more hours could you spend in the lab than you do now?”

“It’ll be kind of like it is now.” Eric takes a step back and runs his hand through his hair.

I rub my lips together and nod. “Okay,” I take a deep breath, “do they want you to start right after graduation?” Instinctively I curl my left hand into a fist and dig my nails into my palm.

“There’s really only one project they want me to help with over the summer, but other than that I’ll start in August.” He sits on the couch and I sit next to him.

“Well, the boys will start kindergarten in the fall, so I’ll be able to take classes during the day, still, right?”

Yeah, Nat, just turn this right into something about you.

Eric wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in, kissing my temple. For some reason it feels like he’s consoling me for something he hasn’t told me yet.

“Of course. And since I’ll be fully employed there, I’m sure we can get a waiver for the residency requirement. Hey,” he nudges me so I look at him, “we might finally be able to afford the house on Dana Street we’ve always wanted. And,” a tender smile plays across his mouth, “we can realistically think about more kids.”

I nod and smile as tears fight their way to the surface.

“I’ve got to get back to campus to give them an answer. They said I could have a few days, but I don’t think we need a few days, do we?”

I shake my head. “I’m proud of you. Tell them hell yes.”

The door shuts, his car drives away, and I collapse into tears on the bathroom floor—blindly reaching for razors through my flooded eyes. This is everything we’ve wanted for him since we first met and, yet, it seems like a prison sentence somehow. I don’t even pay attention as I slash the razor across the skin on the tops of my thighs. I just want it to hurt more than I do inside right now.

I feel like a caged animal, rabid with need for freedom that was stolen from me over one careless night in grad school. But, it’s all real now. Eric has a job at a university, my boys will start kindergarten here in the fall, and, Eric wants more kids.