In the Middle of Somewhere (Middle of Somewhere, #1)(127)

“I don’t know how to do this,” I confess softly, running my fingers over his straight nose and down the dip of his upper lip. “I don’t know what… it means to… I mean, I do love you,” I insist, fingers scritching over his stubble. “But what if we don’t mean the same thing when we say that? We can’t mean the same thing, can we? No one ever really knows what anyone else means when they say those things, you know? So, maybe you say it and you mean this one thing that means you expect something and I say it and I don’t know you expect that so I don’t do it and then you think I don’t really mean it, only I do, but maybe it just means something different and—”

Rex puts two fingers over my mouth. I’m breathing shallowly, but he’s smiling, serene.

“Do you want to know one of the things I love about you?” he asks.

“I, uh, yes?”

“You’re so brave.”

“Huh?”

“All this stuff about meaning and never really understanding each other—that’s big words stuff.”

“Big words?”

“You know, philosophers and theories and all the smart stuff you read. Big words stuff. But you really believe it. Hell, you’re probably right. We might not mean the same thing when we say love. But you’re brave because you said it anyway.”

“I….” I don’t know what to say to that.

“But you started to say ‘I don’t know what it means to.’ What were you going to say?”

Oh Jesus, he really did learn from Ginger.

“Just what I said: like, I don’t know what you mean when you say love, and you don’t know what I mean, and—”

“That’s not what you were going to say.”

I drop my eyes to the blanket and shake my head, tracing the plaid with a trembling finger.

“Say it, baby.”

I squeeze my eyes shut.

“I don’t know… what it means… to have someone love me. And I know how I feel about you, but… I don’t know how to act about it.”

Rex kisses my closed eyes.

“I know,” he says softly.

“Sorry,” I murmur. He deserves so much better.

“No,” he says. “We’ll just figure it out. Together. Can’t say I’m such an expert either.”

I open my eyes and look at him. I know he loved his mom. I know he must have loved Jamie. And Will? I’m not sure.

“No?” I say.

“No.”

He kisses me and I stare at him. Can it really be this easy? Can you really just love someone and go about your daily business? How do you hold it all inside?

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Rex asks.

And maybe that’s the point. Maybe the point of I love you is that it is a tether. A connection so you can find your way back to someone even when shit seems huge and unmanageable on your own. A promise to help just because you care about someone, a promise to help that doesn’t mean pulling away.

There’s a little warm flame above my stomach but below my throat. It’s been there for a while, I think, but I didn’t notice. Everything with my dad and Philly and Colin and the Temple job got in the way, so I forgot about it. But last night, it roared back to life. Okay, so maybe I don’t know how to do this. But I can learn. I didn’t know how to be a student once, either, but I learned. I didn’t know how to teach, but I learned. I dug in and watched other people and I learned. Not just how to do it, but how to do it well. And I can learn this too.

I smile at Rex.

“I was just a little scared,” I admit. “But I’m okay, I think.”

He cocks his head a little, but he seems to get that I’m just working shit out.

“See?” he says. “Brave.”

I push him back into the pillows and kiss him. There’s a type of joy bubbling under my skin that I’ve never felt before. It’s light and hopeful and a little cautious, but it’s there.

We kiss for what feels like hours, mouths meeting and parting exquisitely, tongues tangling together passionately, then turning sweet. We just kiss and, after a while, every touch of Rex’s mouth is like a touch to my whole body. I feel electrified, so shaky with warm pleasure that I can’t imagine what I would do if Rex stopped kissing me.

He manages to get my clothes and his underwear off while barely breaking the kiss. My hands move over his face, his neck, and down to his broad shoulders and strong arms. I’m on top of him, but I feel weightless, like his touch is the only thing anchoring me to the bed, the room, the earth.

I’m dizzy and my mouth feels swollen when Rex finally pulls away. His eyes are sleepy with pleasure and his mouth is puffy. When he backs off, I can feel how raw my mouth and chin are from his stubble. Not distracted by his kisses anymore, I can also feel that we’re both rock hard, our erections caught between us.

I wrap my arms around Rex’s shoulders and kiss his throat and I can feel his cock jerk against my stomach. I push Rex’s thighs open on the bed and grind my hips into his. He groans, brokenly, and his arms come around me.

Flipping us like my hold on him was nothing, he pushes me into the bed, breathing hard. He shakes his head, as if to clear it, and leans down, hovering over me, and kisses me once more, just a press of swollen mouths.