In the Middle of Somewhere (Middle of Somewhere, #1)(125)

The Temple job is everything I thought I wanted all throughout grad school. Secure, prestigious, teaching smart students, working with brilliant faculty, having the budget to bring speakers to campus, having access to great libraries and archives. It was perfect.

Last year.

And now? Now, just the idea of leaving Rex fills me with the strongest panic of all. And the look on his face when I said Temple was in Philly… he looked resigned. Like he knew it would happen. Just like Will said.

Fuck! Everything is spiraling out of control again, the way it used to when I was a f*cked-up kid with no self-control who would act before thinking anything through. Only back then the sensation was thrilling, like a kite string unspooling into who knows where.

Now I just feel like I want to puke.

I go back inside to finish changing my laundry loads, but find that Rex has already done it.

“Did you?” I gesture toward the laundry when I find Rex in the kitchen.

“Yeah,” he says. “Will gone?”

I nod.

“You didn’t have to,” I say.

“It’s okay,” Rex says. “You were helping him with his car. I can help you, right?”

I look around the kitchen. Rex has bread dough rising and something that smells heavenly is in the oven.

“Dinner will be ready in about an hour,” he says. “Why don’t you relax? Take a bath or something. I’m going to go to my workshop for a bit.”

My breath starts to come faster as I notice the salad dressing he’s made from scratch in the mustard jar on the counter. All I can hear is what Will just told me and Rex saying he can help me. It’s like there’s a screaming in my head that is Rex pulling the gate down, just like Will said. My heart is pounding so loud and so forcefully that I can feel it throbbing in my ears. I blink to try and wet my dry eyes, but they’re all prickly.

“Please don’t be all helpful!” I blurt out. “Don’t slam the f*cking gate down and pull away!” I’m babbling. I can hear myself, but I can’t stop. I need, need, need to break through Rex’s unflappable calm.

“What?” Rex asks, puzzled, approaching me with arms out like you would a wild animal.

“Rex, Rex, please don’t!” I’m full-on panicking. My voice sounds incredibly loud even though I can feel that I’m almost whispering. I am begging Rex not to shut me out, not to give me help instead of himself, not to leave me, and he is staring at me like I’m out of my mind.

“Baby,” he says, “please. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please, just calm down and talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Will said—” But I’m breathing too fast to explain. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm down, but all I see is that coffin, heaped with dirt, my white rose sliding over the edge of another grave, my brother clutching a bottle of pills, his fist connecting with my face. And all of it shrinks backward at only one thing: Rex. And I’m convinced I’m going to lose him.

“Daniel, Jesus,” Rex says.

He scoops me up and carries me into his bedroom. He puts me in bed and crawls in after me.

“Lie down and just breathe,” he says.

I try to breathe, but now the tears are coming too fast for me to hold them in. And this time, I know getting mad won’t do anything.

“Please don’t be helpful,” I gasp, kneeling on the bed.

“Tell me, baby. Tell me what Will said,” Rex insists, holding my face in his hands.

“He said when you think someone’s leaving you slam the gate down,” I manage to get out through my tears, “and then you’re nice, and polite, and helpful, but you’re—” I sob. “You’re not there.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Rex says. He pulls me into his lap. I am a f*cking mess of tears and snot and shame.

“Please, I can’t lose you,” I tell him.

It all comes out in a rush of pain and fear and sadness, and I cling to Rex, sobbing into his chest.

“Please,” I’m saying to him over and over until I hardly know what I’m begging for anymore, only that it’s the most important word I’ve ever said.

Rex holds me, cradles me in his arms, and rocks us back and forth, stroking up and down my back and running his fingers through my hair. When I’m finally calm enough that I can breathe without hiccupping, Rex pulls away just enough to look at me.

“This is about Temple?” he asks. “You think that I expect you to leave, so now I’ll pull away like I did with Will?”

I nod frantically. Rex smooths back my hair and nods too.

“Look, we don’t have to talk about that right now, okay? We have time to figure everything out.”

His thumbs smooth my tears away and everything about him is so gentle, from his fingers on my face to the way his strong arms are holding me. And his expression is soft and open in a way I’ve never exactly seen it before.

“Daniel,” he says, stroking my face. “I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you know? Don’t you know how crazy I am about you?”

My hands fist in his shirt and I stare into his eyes, blinking slowly. I guess I did know, but I never imagined he might say it.

He cradles my neck in his hand, thumb stroking my nape.

“I—I love you so much.”