In His Eyes(51)

“Miss Ella, you gonna have to calm down,” Sibby said, interrupting her thoughts. “You bein’ like that ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Sibby pushed up on her elbows and adjusted the pillow behind her. Outside, the wind howled and banged against the window, as though it demanded entrance to the nursery.

Ella stopped her pacing and dropped the rag back into the basin. “I’m going for the doctor.”

Sibby’s eyes widened. “What for? So you can die out there in this here storm?”

“I have to do something!” Ella caught back her voice, the screech in it likely to draw the major from his chamber. At least he had not thrown her out. Nothing had been said about her outburst, and when the major finally retired some hours ago, it had been with concern on his features.

“I’m sorry, Miss Ella.” Sibby’s words were filled with an ache Ella did not wish to hear. “I knows how hard it is.”

Ella sniffed and wiped her sleeve across her face, not caring that she smudged the fine silk. She had an idea about what put so much pain into Sibby’s voice, and she didn’t want to hear more.

“We’s gonna make sure someone gets the doctor in the mornin’, Miss Ella. We is. But in the middle of the night, and in this storm…” She shook her head. “We just can’t go now.”

“But what if tomorrow is too late?” Ella whispered.

Sibby’s eyes brimmed with tears. “It won’t be. God won’t let me lose dis one too.”

Ella turned her face away, but Sibby kept talking. “I be knowing the terror you feel.”

She turned back to Sibby, not wanting to hear what she knew came next.

“I know because my Peter died of a coughing sickness with the Masta and Missus.” Sibby swallowed hard, and when her eyelids fell closed, tears slipped out from underneath her dark lashes.

Ella gripped Lee tighter. She shouldn’t ask. “The…the same sickness?”

Sibby’s eyes flew open. “Oh, now, we don’t know that. Look here. Maybe he just done breathed in too much of that rain.”

Oh, this was all her fault! If only she hadn’t run outside. Ella shook her head, the tightness in her throat making it difficult to breathe. “You are certain there is still a doctor around?”

Sibby’s gaze dropped to the covering across her lap. “He came out here before. I reckon he still be in town.”

Ella squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and then resumed her pacing. Lee coughed again, a deep sound that seemed impossible for one so small. “I’m sorry, Sibby. About your baby. I can’t….” She drew a shuddering breath. “I can’t imagine.”

Sibby nodded, but didn’t say anything more. Ella rocked back and forth until her head began to swim with exhaustion. She glanced back at the bed. Sibby slept, no doubt aided by the dose of medicine Major Remington had given her. Perhaps she should find some rest as well.

The lamp on the table cast flickering shadows across the walls, like insects scurrying to and fro. Ella adjusted the wick and lifted the light with her free hand, increasing the depth of the shadows pooling around her feet. Her head began to throb. Yes, she would have to rest. She could lie down with Lee next to her for just a few moments.

The door between her room and the nursery stood open and Ella passed through it, holding the lantern high and sending inky shadows scurrying from her path. She set it on the dressing table and considered changing out of the blue gown she still wore. But she was too tired to worry about the wrinkles.

Ella laid Lee in the middle of the bed and then crawled in next to him, curling her body protectively around his. Oh, my wee one. I am so sorry.

Tears slipped down her cheeks and onto the quilt, pooling under her face. Papa was right. The more she tried to help, the worse she made things. After Mama died, she attempted to take over her duties, cooking and caring for the household, but she had fallen short in every way. Her burnt or undercooked meals making their scarce supplies nearly intolerable, Papa had turned ever more to spending their funds on whisky rather than food.

Aye, Lass, you can ruin anything.

Your ma would be ashamed of ya, this place lookin’ like it does.

Don’t you ever think, girl, before ya open yer mouth?

His words pelted her, dragging up time after time she had failed. His comments had cut her, but she’d known he’d spoken truth. It was her poor work and sassy tongue that drove him to the devil’s juice. And that night when he’d slapped her…aye, she’d deserved that too. She’d called him a good-for-nothing bottle-toting coward, and blamed him when that last colt had died.

Rebel soldiers had taken the colt’s dam before he was ready to wean, and Papa hadn’t even tried to stop them. The poor thing had starved, and she’d screamed at him for it.

A strangled sob broke free, and on its heels more followed. Fire burned in her throat and at the back of her eyes, and pulsed through the throbbing in her head. She’d failed to save the colt, just as she’d failed to keep Papa happy, or make it safely north, or bring anyone to help Cynthia birth Lee.

And now…now he lay here with her, barking coughs shaking his tiny body. All because she was every bit the ninny Papa had said….

Something warm and heavy settled on her shoulder and Ella jerked, her feet flying out behind her and smacking something solid. The shadows had sprouted demons again, and they had come for her! She flipped to her back, her heart galloping.