Hush (Black Lotus #3)(78)

“Don’t you dare say your goodbyes, Pike.”

“Look at Declan. Look at what we’re doing to him.”

I turn to my other side and see Declan’s head in his one hand while his other is holding on to me, and he’s crying.

Oh, my God, he’s crying.

“Declan, please don’t cr—”

“I need you,” he beseeches desperately.

“We can’t continue this.”

I watch as tears fall down Declan’s face, and it’s a punch to my gut to see how much pain he’s in. A man who never cracks is now crumbling before me—because of me. Every tear of his is a fissure in my breaking heart, cutting its way deeper into the delicate tissues.

I can’t do this to him.

I love Pike. He’s sacrificed himself again and again, my whole life, just to protect me, and no words exist to express how much he means to me. But now it’s my turn to protect. And it’s Declan that I need to take care of, because I need him strong so he can care for me in return.

As much as this kills me, I dig deep inside all my rotted wounds to grab on to the strength I need to say goodbye. “I never would’ve survived this world without you, Pike.”

“But you did survive. And you’re going to be okay without me.”

“I love you.”

“I need you to promise me that you’ll listen to Declan, that you’ll start taking your pills and get yourself healthy.”

He’s adamant, and I give him my word through the strain of my throat. “I promise.”

I watch as his solid form ghosts into opacity, and I cry harder.

“I love you.”

“Pike!”

Opacity transfuses into a cloudiness.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too.”

Cloudiness disappears into nothingness.

And when the lingering vapors of his scent fade away, I fall into Declan.

“He’s gone,” I wail amidst the trauma of freshly crenelated wounds that bleed inside me.

“I’m going to take care of you. I need you to believe in me.”

“I do believe in you. It just hurts to let go of him.”

“Look at me,” he demands, and when I do, his face is streaked in tears shed. “I love you to the point it hurts, but I relish the pain of it because it reminds me that what we have runs so deep within me. And I swear to you, I will never stop loving you.”

I wipe the trail of tears from his face.

“Tell me it hurts you to love me too.”

Bracing my hands along his jaw to feel his stubble against my palms, I give him the purest part of me. “There’s nobody in this world I could possibly hurt for more. Pike helped me survive, but it’s you who helps me live. I was never able to do that until you.”

And in the madness of heartache and profound love, Declan takes me as his, holding me, f*cking me, healing me. Tears never stop falling from my swollen eyes as I open my heart and allow Declan the freedom to climb inside and take full ownership of all that I’m made of.

I no longer know where I end and he begins as we cement the amorphous lines between us.

We’re serpents who feed off one another for sole survivorship.

We’re everything love is meant to be.





TEARS CRYSTALIZE INTO salts, salts flake into dust, and dust gets swept away into the endless sky. And in the end we are left with a choice: swim or drown. The right choice is often the hardest. Drowning is so easy to do and takes no effort—you simply go weak and float deeper in the despair that consumes. But Pike wouldn’t want that for me, and I need to fight for Declan.

So I took my love’s hand and started to kick, trusting that together I would find my way to the surface. That was two weeks ago, and today I feel hopeful.

It was four days ago that I laughed for the first time since I said goodbye to my brother. A part of me thought I’d never laugh again, but I did, and oddly, it was Davina that pulled it out of me. Declan thought it would be good to have her over for dinner. He didn’t tell her anything we had been dealing with, but she knew something was wrong when I walked into the living room a disheveled mess. One would think a guest would be somewhat reserved, but not Davina. She called me out, telling me I looked like shit. It wasn’t just her crass honesty, it was the appalling look on her face and in her tone of voice, which she somehow managed to deliver in a caring way.

And I laughed.

That was all it took.

For a couple weeks Declan has postponed all his meetings and has given Lachlan time off. Declan and I need this time for us to be together and to mend. I feel myself healing little by little.

Declan has been showing me around the city. We’ve dined everywhere from The Tipperary to the Michelin-awarded Le Gavroche. I fed the ducks at St. James Park, and Declan couldn’t hold in his laughter when two geese started chasing after me. The next day, we opted for Hyde Park where we were able to lay under the sun, wrapped in each other’s arms. We kissed and talked for hours that afternoon. And then there was the London Eye. Despite my fear of heights and Ferris wheels, I threw caution to the wind and got on. Although I never got off the bench in the center of the glass capsule, Declan appreciated my effort.

We’ve been desperate for this time together, and now that we have it, we want more.