Heartbreaker(37)

“Got it!” Delilah holds up her phone.

“Can you play ‘Sometimes’?” Lottie asks. “It’s my favorite.”

“For the birthday girl, anything.”

I watch as Finn strums the guitar, adjusting the fret, like he’s pulling on an old jacket that fits just right. Then he starts to play, a familiar melody I recognize as his first big hit. It’s sweet and slow, a melancholy song, and the notes slip through the crowded room, changing the mood in an instant.

I feel an ache. He looks so at ease, even the center of attention like this, holding that guitar like its an extension of his body, a spare limb he knows by heart.

He found the thing he loves most in the world, and he made a life of it. He made it count.

Finn opens his mouth, and that whiskey sweet voice begins to sing, deep and rich. I feel it melt all the way down my spine.

“Sometimes when the night is over, and I’m back in someone else’s bed. I think of you, and that pale sweet reflection, and I’m here wishing I was with you instead.”

He looks up, and his eyes catch mine across the room. I freeze, my heart suddenly in my throat as he sings – to me. The crowd melts away, and for a moment, it’s just the two of us, the words strung between us like a message.

Or an apology?

My pulse thunders in my ears, but I can’t look away. I never let myself believe any of his songs were about me. I couldn’t drive myself crazy looking for clues in his lyrics like that for long, but now, here, the emotion and regret of the song hit me like a bullet.

Was he really singing about me all this time?

Finn’s eyes are on me still, but I can’t read the expression in their ocean-blue depths. He’s a showman, I remind myself. He’s used to playing for a crowd, giving them what they want from a performance, making every woman in the room feel like he’s singing just for them.

So why does it feel like he really means it, this time?

“And I’m here wishing I was with you instead.”

The final line echoes softly, and the music drifts away. Finn gives me a smile, not the flashy, crowd-pleasure grin, but something quieter. Just for me. My emotions storm in my chest, and suddenly, I can’t take it anymore. I turn and slip through the crowd, leaving them clustered around him and cheering for more.

“Encore!” they cry, and Finn strikes up another song, this one fast, upbeat. I hurry away, heading blindly through the house until I find a quiet corner in the kitchen to hide. A couple of caterers give me a curious look, but nobody bothers me as I pull a cold bottle of water from a cooler and drink, trying to cool down.

Finn’s made it clear he wants me, my body, that inferno between us; everything he used to command with just a look, a lightning touch. But is that enough for me? Every time I’m near him, I feel swept up in this hurricane of desire. It feels inevitable, unstoppable, but I know that’s just a lie I’ve been telling to myself. If I was really determined, I could still call this whole thing off, stay away from him for real this time. Shut myself away, and avoid the heartache I can see hurtling towards me, full-speed ahead.

Except…

I pause, an ugly realization rearing from the back of my mind. Staying away from trouble makes sense, but I’ve been doing that for years, and it hasn’t changed a damn thing. I’ve tried denying it, but my friends are right: I’ve been holding on to Finn and all his heartache since the day he left. I’ve told myself I’ve moved on, but the memory of that pain has haunted me. I’ve been afraid to put my heart on the line again and risk that same devastation in the end. Sure, I’ve gone through the motions of blind dates and fix-ups, but it never lasts for long.

But Finn? He makes me feel everything, so much that it scares me. The desire for him, my naked need; I’ve never felt so out-of-control as when I’m with him, like my chest is cracked wide open and my heart is beating, open and raw, offered up for him to do as he wants with it. I’m on the edge of the cliff, and just slightest sign from him -- the smallest hint at all -- and I would give it all to him. Hand him my heart, and soul, and relinquish myself to the fall.

This fire racing through my bloodstream both terrifies and intoxicates me too. It could leave us both in ashes, burn my whole world to the ground again.

But wouldn’t it be a beautiful blaze?

I hear another round of applause echo, so I pull myself back together and walk slowly back towards the party. As I’m heading down the hallway, the front door opens, and Sawyer steps inside. I do a double take. He looks different out of his work jeans and sweater. He’s wearing a smart button-down, looking cleanly-shaven and classically handsome.

“Eva.” He greets me with a smile. “How are you? I was hoping I’d see you here.”

“Umm, hi.” I blink, thrown. “You’re back!”

“I know, it feels like I was gone for weeks,” Sawyer agrees. “But you know how us veterinarians like to party.”

“Wild nights with all your research papers?” I joke.

Sawyer laughs. “Something like that. Anyway, how about you? How have you been?” He moves just a bit closer, leaning against the wall.

“Good, busy,” I say vaguely.

“Lots of work at the shelter?”

“Right.”

And diving headlong into emotional confusion over my ex, I silently add.