Happily Letter After(77)

Then her words finally came.

“The articles . . . Amanda’s saving those articles . . . of mine . . . you think . . . you think . . . she thought it was . . . me?” Her chest was heaving.

“I don’t know. She never told me a single thing. If she’d gone looking for the egg donor, she certainly didn’t want me to know about it.”

Sadie exhaled, never letting go of my hands. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She just looked numb and a little scared. Which made it all the more difficult to admit what I needed to.

“When the possibility hit me, Sadie, I freaked out. I decided I needed to know the truth before I even addressed this with you. I didn’t want to cause you any unnecessary alarm. So I made a very hasty decision to take your toothbrush and hair and send them to a lab along with Birdie’s DNA.”

Sadie’s face reddened to a color I had never seen before. Her breathing became rampant. “What?”

“It was the wrong decision,” I said. “It was made out of fear. Not fear of the result. But fear of losing you, Sadie. I love you. And nothing would make me happier than to know that the loving, wonderful human who gave a part of herself to us . . . is also the woman I love. Make no mistake . . . there is nothing that scared me about the thought that my daughter could actually be a part of you and me. But the entire decision to find out? That wasn’t my decision to make. So I didn’t open the envelope. It’s still sealed. And I won’t open it without your permission. We never have to open it, in fact. It won’t change anything between us or in your relationship with Birdie. You have every right to the privacy you were promised. And I want to sincerely apologize for allowing my fear to control the decision I made.”

I swallowed hard, waiting for her next reaction.

She straightened up against the headboard. “The envelope . . . it’s . . . here?”

My heart pounded. “Yes. I got the results earlier in the mail. They came this morning, which is why my behavior at the restaurant was so erratic.”

Her voice was shaky when she asked, “Do you . . . think it’s me?”

“I don’t know, baby. Honest to God, I just don’t know.”

“Are we going to find out?”

“I felt obligated to tell you about the possibility. But in the end, this isn’t my choice. It never was. And I never want to do anything ever again that would hurt you or violate your privacy. I will happily rip up that envelope if you want me to. Or you can take it. We can open it up together or forget it ever existed. We don’t have to find out. Birdie loves you. Amanda’s her mother. Nothing has to change.”

I hated that I’d placed this burden on her. I didn’t know what else to do or say. But I felt the weight lift off my chest now that she knew the truth. I just had absolutely no clue what she was going to do with it.





CHAPTER 28

SADIE

This felt like a dream. As I continued to sit across from him in shock, I honestly couldn’t even move, let alone know what to say.

Amanda might have been following me. If she had been given my identity, how was that even possible? I had been assured that the process was anonymous, which was the only reason I had agreed to it in the first place.

“I’m sorry . . . I . . . still haven’t wrapped my head around this,” I said.

Sebastian leaned in and took me fully into his arms. My breathing immediately relaxed. Despite the uncertainty and shock, I felt safe. I felt loved. And I knew that no matter what happened—he had my back. To know that he fully supported any decision I made about this meant everything. Because I certainly had no idea at this point what the right decision was.

“I don’t blame you for doing what you did,” I said. “I can understand how freaked out you must have been.”

He exhaled. “Thank you. I now realize I should’ve talked to you first, but at the time, I thought maybe I could rule it out before having to scare you.” He shook his head. “But it was wrong. Because . . . if . . . you know . . . it turns out you are . . . that’s not my place to know before you. Or to know at all.”

“I don’t know what the right answer is.”

“You don’t need to make a decision now. Or ever.”

I blew out another shaky breath and just kept nodding. “I’ve always felt so connected to her.”

“I know. This whole thing . . . it’s been like some sort of magic from the start. But maybe there was more to it than that.”

“Suppose Amanda did look for me. Then there’s always the chance that they might have given her the wrong info, right? Or maybe . . . my articles just resonated and gave her hope and this is all just a weird coincidence. I mean, they are public articles. Anything is possible, right?”

“Of course. That’s why I debated even telling you at first. I thought I might be crazy for even thinking it. It seemed so hard to believe.”

A tear finally formed in my eye, rolling down my cheek as the realization hit me in waves. Not just because I had no clue what to do but also because it hit me that if Birdie were my biological child, that she was our child. Sebastian’s and mine. Made from us. I could have inadvertently made a human with the man I love before I ever even knew him. The emotions that thought brought about were some of the strongest I’d ever experienced. But stronger than anything was the thought that if this were true . . . how could I ever tell Birdie? She’d already lost her mother. And this would be like losing her all over again in a sense. For what? So I could have some kind of validation? It wasn’t fair.