Happily Letter After(76)
Sadie smiled wide and lowered her head for Birdie to place the crown in her hair. When she was done, my daughter practically leaped into Sadie’s arms. The two of them shared a long hug, and then Birdie went right back to asking about dessert. She wanted to make sure I set aside two helpings of her cookies so they didn’t sell out. But while my daughter snapped back to business as usual, I felt like I’d just had my world rocked, and I needed a drink to calm myself down a bit. So I called the waiter over to bring Sadie and me a bottle of pinot noir.
After, I looked over at my two princesses and prayed that tonight after Birdie went to sleep, the revelation I would make didn’t leave me with only one.
Sadie brought Birdie back to her room to help take her hair down and get her ready for bed. In the meantime, I paced. And paced some more. Sadie still suspected something wasn’t right with me despite my best efforts to put on an act during dinner. Her demeanor clearly showed that she was onto me. I doubted I would even have to be the first to start addressing my behavior once she came out from Birdie’s room. I knew she’d call me out on it once my daughter was safely out of earshot. Honestly, I hoped she did. Because I had no idea how I was going to even begin to broach the subject if she didn’t.
Still pacing in the living room, I watched as Sadie slowly closed Birdie’s bedroom door. Sadie looked so beautiful with her hair now down in loose tendrils. Her evening gown was a little wrinkled. The sight of her leg exposed through the slit on the side of the dress managed to make me aroused despite my mood.
Her expression was sullen as she slowly walked over to me. She placed her hands around my face and positioned me to look into her eyes.
“What’s happening? Am I losing you?” she asked. “Is this too much?”
My heart sank as I closed my eyes and took both of her hands to my mouth. “No. No, Sadie. The last thing I ever want is to lose you. I can promise you that.” Blowing a deep breath out, I found the courage to add, “But I’m afraid I stand a very good chance at that after what I’m about to tell you.”
A look of alarm flashed across her beautiful face as she pulled slightly away from me. “What is it? You’re scaring me.”
Reaching my hand out to her, I silently led her back into my bedroom. We needed to be as far away from my daughter’s room as possible for this conversation.
After leading her onto my bed, I turned the lamp on. I lay across from her as we faced each other and looped my fingers in with hers. It took a few seconds to conjure up the strength to get the first words out.
“You were worried that my attitude had changed after you told me the story about your egg donation. You weren’t off base about that. But the reasoning behind my reaction is something you couldn’t possibly know.”
She swallowed, seeming both scared and eager for what I might say next. “Okay . . .” Her hands started to tremble.
“I never told you that . . . Birdie . . . well, she was the result of an egg donation herself.”
I paused to note any changes in her reaction, but her expression remained frozen, aside from her eyes searching mine. She hadn’t seemed to make the connection based on that one sentence. So I continued.
“Amanda . . . like your mother . . . had been unable to conceive naturally because of her cancer treatment at a young age. I knew it when I married her, and I always knew that it wouldn’t matter. We’d find a way to have a child one way or another. When she told me that she’d prefer to try IVF with a donated egg, I definitely had my reservations.” I sighed. “At first, I couldn’t understand how my sperm and another woman’s egg made our baby. But she was insistent that our child be related by blood to at least one of us and that she be able to experience the pregnancy. After much debate, I agreed.”
I stopped to examine Sadie’s face. Again, no realization had hit her yet. Or at least it hadn’t seemed to compute. So I went on.
“Honestly, seeing her carry that child, it was the most beautiful thing. Once the pregnancy happened and we were experiencing that joy, I knew I’d made the right decision. She was getting to live out something she thought she’d never have an opportunity to. And it was all because of a selfless person who’d decided to give a part of herself to us. It was surreal and amazing. And it only got more amazing once we laid eyes on our beautiful daughter, who happened to come out with my face.” I chuckled. “It was clear from the very beginning that this was our child. It didn’t matter how she came to be biologically. She was Amanda’s. She was mine. She was ours. She was from God.”
Sadie’s face curved into a slight smile. “That’s beautiful.”
I cleared my throat. “So, you see, I never thought to make it a point to spell all of that out to you. I didn’t want to give you the impression that how she came to be mattered. Of course, I knew it was something that would have come up eventually. But it just didn’t happen before you told me your story.”
I intentionally stopped talking to really give it a moment to set in with her.
Taking both of her hands in mine, I whispered, “Sadie, baby, do you know where I’m going with this?”
Her face was still frozen, and then at one point her eyes slowly widened as she stared off. Then, when she looked at me, I knew. The wheels had finally started turning in her head. She saw where I was going with this. She gripped my hands tighter as her eyes flitted from side to side.