Guilty Needs(4)

“Alyssa, he’s thirty years old. He’s got…” her voice trailed off. Man, it just seemed so damn wrong to talk about this right now. With Alyssa dying and her husband out chasing after lime sherbet for her.

“I know he’s young. I know he’s got time. But life’s precious. It wasn’t until this happened that I realized just how precious it is. I don’t want him to waste a minute of it. Colby, he’s every bit as stubborn as you are. Remember how long it took him to ask me out?”

“Nearly a year.” They said it together. Colby was the classic sexy geek come to life. A computer whiz, a science-fiction buff, a state chess champion and he was also an all-star athlete. Between his SATs and his ability on the basketball court and track, he’d gotten a full scholarship.

The three of them had grown up together and sometime during their freshman year, the two girls had both noticed how cute the brainy geek from eighth grade had gotten. It was Alyssa, though, who went after him. And Alyssa he fell in love with. She’d chased after him most their freshman year and just after tenth grade started, he finally asked her out. They’d been together ever since and Bree had spent most of that time in quiet envy. It might have been enough to break the friendship of some girls, but although Bree had privately fallen more and more in love with Colby, Alyssa was the sister she’d never had and she wasn’t about to lose that.

“Alyssa, you know I’d do anything for you, but you’re asking me for something that’s not in my control. What do you want me to do, show up here and tell him you want me to be with him so he doesn’t grow old alone? So he isn’t lonely or spending hours on end brooding? I can’t control that. Besides, why in the hell would he want me? He has to want me, or it doesn’t matter…” she trailed off, licked her lips and reminded herself that Alyssa already knew. It wasn’t such a secret anymore. “It doesn’t matter that I love him, unless he wants that from me.”

“And I think he will. You asked why in the hell he would want you, but I’ve got a better question. Why wouldn’t he?” Her lids drooped and her voice started to slur from exhaustion.

“You need to get some rest, Alyssa.”

“I’ve got plenty of time for that. Not so much for this.” She started to shiver, though. Bree grabbed the blanket and tucked it around Alyssa’s thin body. “I know I can’t control him. But I also know him. He’s going to hide—either in his work or in anything else that distracts him. Don’t let him hide, and when the time is right, I want you to do the same damn thing I did. Go after him.”

“You’d think, after twenty-five years, you couldn’t surprise me, Lys.” Shaking her head, Bree started to pace the room, staying close by the bed and keeping an eye on her friend. But she just couldn’t stand still. Not right now. “But I don’t get it. I can’t understand this.”

“There’s nothing complicated about it. I want the two of you happy. You’re my best friend, he’s my husband—I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you two. Why wouldn’t I want you to be happy?”

“I couldn’t do this—if we were switched, I know I couldn’t do this.”

Alyssa smiled. “Baby, I think you probably could…but I’m glad it’s me. And not you.”

Snarling, Bree demanded, “How in the hell can you say that? It damn well should be me. It’s not like I’ve got a man who’s going to grieve if I die. The only important person I’d leave behind is you. Damn it, it should be me!”

“No. If it should be you, it would be— Bree, I’m glad it’s not.” She closed her eyes and a heavy, sighing breath escaped her. “I’m not as strong as you are, Bree. I’d break. If I had to watch this happen to you, watch this happen to anybody I love, I’d break. I’d do exactly what most of my other friends have done and just disappear. I couldn’t handle it. But you can. You’re strong, Bree. You always have been.”

You’re wrong, Bree wanted to say.

But Alyssa was already asleep.

Blinded by tears, half-sick with guilt and disgust and despair, Bree headed for the door. She had to get out of here. Get on her bike, crank it up and let the wind blow it all away. If she went fast enough, far enough, maybe she could escape it.

You’re strong, Bree. You always have been. Shit, what a pathetic joke.

She plowed straight into a rock-hard chest. Jerking away, she mumbled, “Sorry,” and tried to go around Colby but he caught her arm. Heat flared along her skin where he touched her. As guilty as she felt, she loved the feel of his body touching hers, even a touch as innocent as this.

“Bree, are you okay?” His tawny eyes left her face, looking toward the room he shared with Alyssa. “Is Lys…?”

Forcing a smile, she said, “She’s asleep. I’m just… I just need to breathe.”

His fingers fell away from her arm, but before she could escape, he rested his hand on her shoulder. Through her T-shirt, she could feel the heat of him, the strength. His thumb swept along her skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake and Bree flushed painfully red. Tucking her chin against her chest, she held still, tried not to breathe, not to move.

“It’s hard.”

Startled, Bree looked up at him. He had that lopsided smile that Bree had so fallen in love with, but it was sad. “Watching her day after day, seeing how much she hurts and how tired she is. Some of our friends, well…they can’t take it. They’ve pretty much stopped coming over. Some of them don’t even call any more. You don’t know how much it means to us that you keep coming over every day.”