Gone (Deadly Secrets #2)(49)

She’d thought she could handle these interviews. Thought Alec was going to be the one who’d have trouble, but today he hadn’t. Today he’d been the one to speak with the Ramirezes and ask all the right questions. She, on the other hand, had been useless the minute she’d seen that baby. That precious, adorable, chubby baby who’d looked nothing like Emma but made her ache in a way she felt deep in her soul.

Alec hadn’t talked to her on the ride back, and for that she was grateful. Her throat was so thick she wasn’t sure she’d be able to speak even if she tried. She told herself to pull it together, told herself she’d seen a hundred babies in the years since Emma had been gone and that she’d never reacted this way before. But then, she’d never met another couple like the Ramirezes. Now, every time she pictured them and their situation, all she could think was, that could have been us.

Her street was busy—as always on a weeknight—and Alec had to drive around the block several times before he found a space for his truck. She pulled her keys from her purse and popped the door as soon as he was parked, desperate to go upstairs, to be alone, to let these tears that were building finally fall in the privacy of her own room where no one could see.

She keyed in the building code at the front door, and they moved into the elevator in silence. The car seemed to take forever to go up to the fifth floor, and just when she was wishing she’d taken the stairs, the double doors finally pinged and opened.

Exhaustion pulled at her as she opened her apartment door, moved inside, and dropped her keys in the bowl on the entry table.

Alec closed the door softly at his back while she took off her coat and hung it on the coat tree in the entry. When she gestured for his, he slipped it off and said, “Thanks.”

She forced a smile she didn’t feel, hung up his coat, and moved into the great room. Alec’s footsteps sounded behind her as she pulled the fridge open and grabbed a bottle of water.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

She shook her head, popped the top on the bottle, and took a long swallow. “You’re welcome to anything you can find. There’s also a takeout menu near the phone.”

Alec slipped his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans, looking just as worn and wrung out as she felt. “I’m not hungry either.”

She glanced away, not wanting to think about how he was feeling tonight. Not on top of everything else. Knew she’d lose it even faster if she did. Moving for the hall, she said, “Well, I’m pretty tired. I think I’m just going to go to be—”

“You were a great mother, Raegan.”

Her feet stilled at the edge of the hallway, and her heart skipped a beat.

“Emma was lucky to have you as her mom.”

It was the first time he’d used Emma’s name since she’d gone missing. Even before the divorce, when she’d known he was hurting and missing their daughter just as much as she was, he’d never used her name. He’d only referred to her as “she” or “her.”

Slowly she turned to look at him. “I don’t know if that’s true,” she said, unable to walk away, unable to move because, after all this time, he was finally talking. “I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.”

His lips curved in a sad smile, one that tugged on her heart. “Emma didn’t know that. I didn’t know that either. You always seemed to know exactly what she needed. I’m the one who didn’t have a clue when it came to her.”

“Yes, you did,” she said softly. “Emma loved you.”

His eyes glistened as he looked toward the ceiling. “I shouldn’t have traveled so much. I should have taken assignments closer to home so I could spend more time with her. And you.”

He looked down at her with so much heartache and regret, it felt as if someone were strangling her heart.

The backs of her eyes burned, and she knew she couldn’t look at him anymore. Knew she was going to break if she did. Blinking rapidly, she focused on the water bottle in her hand. On something solid, something real instead of the pain swirling around her. “I think we could both spend our whole lives playing the ‘I should have’ game. It doesn’t change anything.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he said softly. “Are you still seeing that guy? The one at your office? The one I met at the hospital?”

The question threw her, seemed to come out of left field when they were talking about Emma. “No.” Her brow wrinkled. “I ended it after . . . well”—her cheeks heated because she didn’t want to give too much away—“after I started looking into these cases.”

That made sense, didn’t it? She had ended things with Jeremy after he’d called her with news on these cases. Of course, that was right after she’d spent the night at Alec’s house, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Good.”

His footsteps sounded against the floor, and when she lifted her gaze, she discovered he was standing in front of her, focused solely on her. Sadness and heartache and regret still reflected in his clear blue eyes, but there was also something more. Heat and passion swirled in those deep cerulean depths now as well. So much her pulse shot straight into the stratosphere.

“That’s good.” He took the water bottle from her hand and set it on the end table beside him. Moving closer, he cupped her face in both of his big hands, his warm, rough fingers sending tingles all across her flesh. “Because I don’t want you to have any reason to feel guilty about what I’m about to do.”