From Twinkle, With Love(70)

“Right.” Brij frowned. “But you didn’t know it was me. So … who did you think it was?”

I glanced up the path, where Neil and his swim-team buddies were hanging out, laughing.

“Neil Roy?” Brij’s face was alit with disbelief. “You thought Neil Roy was e-mailing you?”

I glared at him, offended. “You don’t have to sound so surprised. It could happen.”

“Wait.” Sahil was suddenly standing beside us. Ohhhhhh crap. I’d forgotten for a moment that he was listening to everything. Oh, no, no, no. “You had a secret e-mail admirer who you were e-mailing back and forth with, and you thought it was my brother?”

Brij shifted. I saw him in my peripheral vision as Sahil and I stared at each other. “Um, guys? I’m gonna … just … yeah. Okay.” He hurried off.

My heart was sinking, but I rallied. This was bad, but not unsalvageable. I mean, I could just explain. He had to understand. “I did think it was Neil. But I was going to tell him tonight that—”

“You know what?” Sahil scoffed, putting his hands in his hoodie pockets. “I am such an idiot.”

“What?” I frowned and reached for him, but he stepped back. “No, you’re not. Don’t say that.”

“No, I am, actually.” His eyes were full of a brilliant, burning hurt. “Because I thought that for once in my life someone important to me was appreciating me for who I was. I thought you were falling for me, that you saw me just for me, outside of my brother.”

“I did,” I said, my heart breaking at the pain in his voice, on his face.

“No, you didn’t! The entire time, you were comparing me to Neil. The entire time I was falling for you, Twinkle, you were falling for who you thought was my brother. You were weighing your options. That’s why you wouldn’t fully commit to me. You wanted to see if my brother would be better boyfriend material. That’s what it was all about. But don’t you know by now? In the comparison between Neil and Sahil Roy, Neil Roy will always come out on top. He’s smarter, more athletically gifted, Harvard bound. He’s the golden boy. I could’ve saved you a lot of time if you’d just asked me.” He laughed mirthlessly and kicked a rock.

“Stop,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “That’s not what I was doing at all; I wasn’t weighing you against him! Sahil, I was falling for you, too. That’s the realization I was coming to this whole time. That I liked you. I had this idealized, fantasy version of Neil in my head. But my fantasy wasn’t about Neil at all. Okay? It was about me, my need to be more than just some wallflower!”

“But Neil was the one you wanted. I’m not even surprised.” He looked away, out at the lake.

I grabbed his upper arm and he looked back at me. “So what? So what that I thought I wanted Neil? I’ve fallen for you, Sahil. That’s what I was going to do tonight—to tell Neil I didn’t have feelings for him. Because you’re the one I want.”

Shaking his head, he pulled his arm from my hand. “It’s too late, Twinkle,” he said, thrusting a shaky hand through his hair. “We can’t be together now without me constantly wondering if I’m just some—some sloppy seconds. Your e-mail admirer wasn’t my brother. Your feelings for him are still unrequited. That will always, always be between us, like a shadow of him there. You never just CHOSE ME!”

“I’m choosing you now! And my feelings aren’t unrequited.” I tried not to yell, but I was getting desperate. This couldn’t be it. It just couldn’t. Sahil had to understand. “My feelings were never for him, Sahil. They were always for you.”

Sahil shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and began to walk backward, away from me. “Well, I wish you would’ve realized that sooner.”

“Wait, Sahil—”

He turned and was gone.

Victoria tried to rope me into staying late, but I literally felt like my entire body was numb. I could barely talk. So she gave me a ride home instead. She asked me a few times what was wrong, but when I just kept shaking my head, she left me alone and told me to call her if I wanted to talk to her later.

I don’t want to talk later. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m a horrible person. I deserve to live out the rest of my days underground, like the naked mole rat that’s absolutely revolting to look at and lives forever in darkness and isolation.

—Twinkle

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Behind-the-scenes footage

Skid,

I’m sorry to change this so late in the game. But I think I want to go in a different direction for the end footage than what I was originally thinking. Can you just do the best you can with this (attached)?

—Twinkle

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage

You sure? This is … pretty different.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage

I’m sure. Just do your best, okay? Thanks, Skid.





Twenty-One



Friday, June 26

1 day until Midsummer Night

Backyard