From Governess to Countess (Matches Made in Scandal #1)(68)

She smiled crookedly at him. ‘You have always understood that about me.’

‘And admired you for it. And known I would never seek to dissuade you.’

‘No. Any more than I would change you, and your sense of honour.’ So this really was goodbye, after all.

‘I would not change you, but I wonder if there is a way for you to fulfil your destiny here, rather than elsewhere?’

‘I—you want me to stay? Here, in St Petersburg? You want me to—to keep the dispensary at the palace open? Is that it?’

There was a light in his eyes she didn’t recognise. His hands tightened on hers. ‘That wouldn’t be enough for you.’

‘No, not in the long run, but...’

‘I can’t ask you to give up your dream, Allison, but I am asking you if you might find a way to make your dream come true here?’ He broke off once more, cursing under his breath. ‘You know, I think after all that I did start this conversation with the most important thing, only I put it the wrong way. It is not that I can’t let you go, lyubov moya, because I will, if it is what you want. But I don’t want to let you go. Because I love you.’

Her heart leapt. No, she must have misheard. ‘What did you call me?’

‘Lyubov moya. My love.’

‘You love me.’ She closed her eyes. This was a dream. She opened them again. There was no such thing as love light shining. That could not be what she was seeing.

‘I love you with all my heart. And unlike you, I knew from the moment I admitted it to myself that I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret.’

‘You love me.’ She was feeling dazed. Dazzled. Were her eyes shining like his? ‘What do you mean, keep it a secret? How did you guess? When did you guess?’

‘Am I right?’

‘Of course you’re right. When did you...?’

But her words were smothered, as he swept her into his arms and kissed her. Kissed her in a way that left her in no doubt. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, in exactly the same way. It was a very long, heart-felt kiss. When they finally drew apart, it was to smile at each other in a way that could only be described as besotted.

‘You love me,’ Allison said, no longer a question but an astonished, delightful statement of the truth.

‘And you love me,’ Aleksei said, sounding just as vehement as she did.

So much so that they laughed. And then they kissed. And then they kissed again. And it was a long while before they stopped kissing, their breaths ragged.

‘But, Aleksei,’ Allison said gently, as reality reared its unwelcome head, ‘I still don’t understand what you’re suggesting.’

‘I have no idea, my darling. Last night I was in despair, trying to find a solution that would make everyone happy, but there is none. There is only one truth. If we love each other, then we will be happier together than apart. So we will have to find a way of being together.’

She laughed. ‘You make it sound easy.’

‘No.’ He took her hands, kissing her knuckles. ‘It won’t be easy. There will be sacrifice on both our parts. I must remain in St Petersburg for at least part of the year, in Russia on Nikki’s various estates for most of it, which would require you to give up your country. Neither of us will be as free as we would wish, we will be forced to compromise, there will be times when we are forced to follow other people’s rules. But because we will not follow all those rules, there is bound to be upset and pain. It won’t be easy. But if you will stay with me and the children, if you will consent to be my wife...’

‘No.’ The stars fell from Allison’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Aleksei, I cannot marry you.’

His face too fell, quite ludicrously. ‘You told me that you never would. You told me that your vocation came first, and I understand that. I am not asking you to give it up, nor even suggesting that we add to the family we will have...’

‘It’s not that. It’s not that I don’t want to marry you, my love.’ She brushed the rebellious kink of his hair back, kissing him briefly on the lips. ‘It’s not that I won’t marry you, it’s that I can’t. There is more than enough room in my heart for my work and for you. But if you married me, my darling, my precious darling, it would ruin you, and it would be the blight on the Derevenko name that you have worked so hard to prevent.’

‘No!’ He leapt to his feet, a pulse beating in his throat, looking so angry that she flinched. ‘You cannot imagine that I would care about your name, about your—your lineage...’

‘Aleksei, that is precisely the point. I have no name. I have no lineage. I am not even of legitimate birth.’ She got to her feet, taking his hands, giving him a little shake to force him to meet her eyes. ‘And you do care. Look at the lengths you have gone to, to protect your family name. Think of the scandal, if you married a complete nonentity, and think of how much more scandal there would be if my origins—or lack of them—were discovered. They tolerate me as your mistress, but as your wife—no.’

‘But I don’t want you to be my mistress, Allison. I’m an honourable man. You’ve just told me you wouldn’t change that. I honour you, I honour our love, I want to honour it in public, and I won’t have it demeaned. If you have no objection to being my wife...’