From Governess to Countess (Matches Made in Scandal #1)(67)

By the time she reached the door she was, she persuaded herself, quite composed, and by the time she entered the Square Chamber, she was determined to remain so.

*

Unlike Aleksei, who looked as if he had not slept, and whose hand shook as he handed her a cup of tea. ‘What is wrong?’

For a moment he simply stared at her, shaking his head. Then he laughed, a harsh, painful sound. ‘Everything.’

She set her cup down. ‘Aleksei?’

‘No.’ He squeezed her fingers, but then gently pushed her away. ‘Sit down. I need to—I can’t speak when you—please, sit down. I need to talk to you.’

She felt sick with a sense of foreboding. He was leaving today, she thought. He was leaving her to say her goodbyes without him. They did not have one more night. Last night had been their last. Every fibre of her being protested. She opened her mouth to speak, to beg, then closed it again. If this was what he wanted, if this was the easiest way for him, then she would find a way to cope. Allison sat down on a sofa, reaching for her teacup.

‘I can’t let you go.’

Her dainty Sèvres china smashed to the floor. ‘What?’

Aleksei stood as if rooted to the spot. ‘Not without telling you. I can’t let you go without telling you.’

‘What?’ Her sick stomach was joined by a racing heart. ‘Telling me what, Aleksei?’

His fists clenched an unclenched. ‘No, that’s the wrong way around. I thought I had it straight.’

Shaking his head when she made to speak, he headed automatically for the samovar, though he made no attempt to make himself tea and indeed, Allison noticed, there were already two full cups set down on the side table. With extreme difficulty, she restrained the urge to jump to her feet and to demand once more that he explain himself. He needed time to order his thoughts. So she took one of the untouched cups of tea and sipped it, noticing abstractedly how much she had come to enjoy the drink, even Aleksei’s sugarless version of it, and she pretended to study the carpet, watching through her lashes as he paced from the samovar to the back of the Square Room and back again. Twice. Three times. Then he came to a halt and squared his shoulders, and Allison braced herself.

‘Last night,’ Aleksei said, sitting carefully down opposite her, ‘it was last night I finally realised. I should have known, I suppose it was perfectly obvious if I’d asked myself, but I didn’t, not until last night. I went out on the river,’ he added, as if that explained it all. ‘After we—after you retired to bed. I couldn’t sleep.’

‘Nor I.’

‘No.’ He touched her knee. ‘I thought not.’

‘There is so little time left,’ she said.

He nodded. ‘Exactly.’ A fleeting smile. ‘That’s one of the things that made me see sense. Not the time, or lack of it, I mean that we think the same. I don’t have to explain myself.’

‘Not normally. But at the moment I’m failing dismally in understanding you.’

He laughed. ‘Bear with me. It is all—you see, I don’t have answers.’

‘Then tell me the questions, Aleksei.’

‘Yes, that is a good way to start.’ He sighed. ‘Some are obvious enough. Should I honour Michael’s wishes and remain the children’s guardian?’

‘I think we know the answer to that,’ Allison said softly.

‘Yes. I think you knew before I did that it was what I would choose in the end. Even Grigory realised that.’

‘It is a choice then? It is not simply your sense of duty which compels you?’

‘You are thinking of your mother. I thought of her too. It is duty, it would be a lie to say otherwise, but it is also a choice. It is what I want.’

‘Because you are an honourable man,’ Allison said sadly. Hadn’t she known that from the first? Though her heart ached for him, and what his honour would cost him. ‘Aleksei, are you sure? It will mean living the life here in St Petersburg which you have never chosen to do. More than that, you have always rejected the city completely.’

‘I know. Which brings me to the next question. Must it be so? Don’t look so surprised, you are the one who has always questioned...’

‘But you never have. You have always said that Michael would expect...’

‘Michael is dead.’ Aleksei drank down the remaining, cold cup of tea. ‘The only thing I know from his will is that he wanted me to take care of his children. What I know from you, and from the children, is that he loved them. And what I know from Catiche—because I have asked her. After the ball, I spoke to her, Allison. What I know is that they know no other life. It is a cossetted and privileged life. It is one which is the envy of most. But they have no concept of any other life. You saw them at the food market. They won’t choose any other life because they have nothing to compare it with.’ He laughed. ‘I can see from your face that I have astonished you.’

‘In a good way, I promise. In a very good way. What are you proposing, then?’

‘I have no idea. That is one of the many things which I hope we can—but it’s not the most important, Allison.’

We? Had she misheard. She must not hope. To hope would be folly. Besides, it was not only the children who...

‘It’s not only the children,’ Aleksei said, joining her on the sofa and taking her hands in his. ‘It is you, and what you are destined to be, what you must do, or you will be miserable.’