From Governess to Countess (Matches Made in Scandal #1)(66)

The rowing boat was drifting back downstream with the tide, but Aleksei dropped his head into his hands, heedless of the movement. He loved her, and she loved him, and it was impossible. One more day, one more night, and she would leave. She would leave Catiche and Elena and Nikki. She would leave the Derevenko Palace and the dispensary she had created. She would leave St Petersburg. And she would leave him behind. For ever.

The children were distraught, and making no attempt to hide it. They had come to him yesterday, a little delegation led by Nikki, with a list they had drawn up of all the reasons why Allison should stay. How different they were, all three of them, despite their sorrow, glowing with health and confidence and wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Gone were the formal manners, that disconcerting way they’d had of looking at him, displaying not quite fear, but something approximating it in the early days. He saw that now. And he saw too that it had been his fault. With no idea how to behave, he had treated them exactly as they’d treated them—with awe, a touch of fear, as if they were alien beings, not simply grieving children.

Allison had seen that from the start. With nothing but her instincts to guide her, she’d seen that what they needed was affection, and though they hadn’t made it easy for her, she had persisted. And won them over. Elena and Nikki were forever seeking cuddles from her, and even Catiche, he’d noticed, though she would not make the first move, clung to her governess when a comforting hug was offered. In the last few days, since he had announced the date of Allison’s departure, they’d been clinging a great deal more. He’d better make damned sure the Orlova woman overcame her natural reserve and gave them the affection they needed and deserved.

The servants would miss her too, despite the fact they’d been reassured that the dispensary would close only temporarily. Like the children, they had petitioned him to allow Allison to remain. As if it was his decision that she was leaving. As if she did not have a life of her own, thousands of miles away, waiting on her to claim it.

She said she was looking forward to it, and he believed her. She talked so enthusiastically of her plans, he did not doubt her. But he wondered now, were her feelings mixed? Could she want the impossible, as he did, to embrace both her vocation and their love? Because she did love him. He knew it, was as certain of it as he was now of his love for her.

Aleksei groaned aloud. It was so unfair! So damned unfair! Why must love be the price they paid, she for her vocation, he to do his duty? Though while he was confessing to the stars, why not admit that he no longer saw the children as a burden? Why not admit that he had come to care for them—yes, even to love them! Why not admit that this made it even more impossible, because if he were to stay here as their guardian, to raise them as Michael would have wanted, how much of himself would he be sacrificing, in addition to his heart?

If he gave up everything for the children, sculpting himself to fit the St Petersburg traditions so revered by Michael, he would be miserable, and he would, though it pained him to admit it, come to resent his charges. He would be happy with Allison, of that there was no doubt. He could sacrifice the children instead of himself, leave St Petersburg to live her life with her, in whatever city she chose to settle. But how long before guilt ate away at his happiness? How long before their perfect love became tainted by that guilt? His heart told him it could be done, but his conscience told him the price would be paid not only by himself, but by Allison too.

Though if she felt as he did, if she loved as he did, wouldn’t she be paying a bigger price in leaving him? His heart began to race. If she loved him as he did her, wasn’t there a part of her that would also be deeply unhappy? Like him, she had always been wed to her vocation. But if she was like him, if they really were cut from the same cloth, could she find room in her life for both?

Like the rowing boat, his mind was slowly turning in circles. Aleksei picked up the oars. There was one thing, one shining truth in all of this, and that was his love for her. If her love for him was the same, then they would find a way. He had no idea how, but they had to find a way to make a life together. They simply had to.

*

His Illustrious Highness, Natalya informed Allison as she delivered her morning coffee, requested her presence in the Square Room as soon as possible. It was her last day at the palace. The children were planning some event to commemorate it, Allison knew. She only hoped she could keep her composure. Anna Orlova would arrive today to replace her. Later this morning, Allison would hold her last dispensary. She had prepared a list for herself, of patients she must discuss ongoing treatment with and of the stock of everyday remedies she would leave behind. Not that she needed such a list, but it had been something to occupy her in the sleepless nights.

Aleksei probably wanted to put a formal end to their contract. That would be why he’d chosen the Square Room. There was the question of her fee, and perhaps he’d want her to deliver a letter to The Procurer. So that tonight, when they met in the State Bedchamber for the last time, all their business would have been concluded. They would make love for the last time. And then first thing tomorrow...

Tears seeped from her eyes. She tried to wipe them away before Natalya spied them, but it was too late. The maid handed her a white kerchief, her own eyes suspiciously damp. ‘I’ve become—I will miss the children,’ Allison sniffed, ‘that is all.’

‘Of course,’ Natalya agreed, ‘that must be it.’