Four Week Fiance 2(30)

Actually, that was a lie. I knew why I hadn’t listened to him. Because my heart was holding on to a string attached to the moon and the stars. My heart was hoping that God would answer my prayers and that TJ would fall head over heels in love with me. I thought that God loved me. I thought he answered prayers. I’d been asking him for years to let TJ fall in love with me. I guess this was one prayer he wasn’t interested in answering.

I reached over and grabbed my phone and called Sally. I needed to hear her voice. I needed her to tell me it was okay. I needed her to tell me that one day, I’d meet my Prince Charming. One day someone would love me as much as I loved them. Even if that someone wasn’t TJ.

“Hello?” Sally answered the phone, her voice out of breath.

“Hey, you busy?” I hiccupped.

“Just got done jogging. What’s going on?”

“Not much,” I said, my voice barely able to work through the tears.

“Are you okay?” She sounded concerned. “What’s going on, Mila?”

“I want to ask you a question,” I said, my voice wobbly. “You need to answer me honestly, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, her voice light. “What’s the question?”

“Did you ever think I had a real chance at a real relationship with TJ?”

“What?” she said.

“You heard me. Did you ever really think TJ was interested in me?”

“You mean did I ever think he liked you before this?” she said, her words slow.

“Yeah, or did you ever think he would ever really want me? Like a man wants a woman he’ll love for the rest of his life?”

“Why are you asking me this, Mila?” She sighed.

“Just answer me honestly. Answer me as a friend. Answer me as my best friend. And do me the honor of being straight. Not the best friend that wants to protect my feelings, but the best friend that wants to let her best friend know the truth.”

“Mila.” She sighed. “What is going on?”

“Answer me,” I cried out. “Just answer the question.” I sobbed for a few seconds. “Please.”

“No,” she said quietly, and her voice caught. “I’m sorry, Mila, but no, I never thought you and TJ would end up together, but that doesn’t mean that . . .” Her voice trailed off as I screamed into the phone.

“Stop. Don’t try and make me feel better. Just be honest with me. My heart is going to break either way. You trying to help my feelings isn’t going to make me feel any better.”

“You can do better than TJ, Mila,” she said softly. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’ll call you later,” I said and hung up the phone quickly and then turned it off. All of a sudden, I felt tired, deathly tired. My body ached and I just wanted to lie down on the bed. I got up out of the bath and grabbed a towel. I dried myself for a few seconds and then waddled to the bedroom and walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it and started crying uncontrollably, TJ’s handsome face filling my mind. I cried and cried until I started punching the pillow with my fists. I was so angry with myself. I felt so stupid. Like a fool and an idiot. How could I have put myself into this position? How could I have even thought for a minute that this was based on anything other than sex? TJ had never been interested in me. He’d never wooed me. He’d never come to me. Never asked me on a date. This was just a convenient hook-up for him. I wanted to scream at myself. Wanted to slap myself for thinking that he could ever love me.

What did I have to offer him? I wasn’t beautiful. I didn’t have a perfect body. I didn’t look anything like the other girls he dated. I wasn’t super smart. I wasn’t sporty. I wasn’t witty and intelligent. I didn’t follow the news or international affairs. We had no real interests in common. I had nothing to offer him. He had the whole world to give a woman. I was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My sobs were so loud that I didn’t hear the front door opening. I didn’t hear him walking towards the bedroom. I didn’t hear him stop at the entrance to the bedroom door. I didn’t hear him standing there, staring at me, crying my eyes out and punching the pillow like I was being killed or that someone in my life had died. I didn’t hear anything. I just cried and cried because my heart was being pulled out of my body and I was slowly losing all will to ever feel good about myself or my life again. I felt like I was being broken in two. I felt like I was losing a part of myself in my despair. I’d never known what it was like to lose someone important before, but as I lay there crying, I knew that I was losing a part of my heart. A part of my innocence was forever gone.

And then I heard him. And then I looked up, my heart pounding, my face red and splotchy. I froze as our eyes met and his face was a mask of worry and concern.

“Why are you crying, Mila?” TJ walked into the room, his face grim and twisted as he approached me, his eyes studying my face. “Who hurt you? What happened?”

“No one hurt me,” I said as I looked away from him. How could I tell him that I was crying for myself because of him? Because he made me feel invisible? Because he’d never once looked at me in the way I’d seen him looking at the waitress in the restaurant? How could I tell him that I was crying because for once in my life I wanted to matter? I wanted to be the one someone wanted. I wanted to be the one admired. For all my laughter and plans, I was hurt inside. I was more than hurt. I was broken.