Finding Isadora(93)

“Wise woman.”

I’d smiled before I realized it.

She smiled back. “That’s better.”

We sat in silence together, with her scratching Pogo behind the ears. He smiled his goofy smile and every once in a while made little moans and whimpers in his throat.

The same kind of sounds I’d made when Gabriel kissed me.

“A person can’t always control how they feel,” I said. “You can try, you can tell yourself how you should feel, but sometimes your feelings don’t obligingly fall into line.”

“No, of course not. But that’s your problem. Not the other person’s.”

She had a point. Was it Gabriel’s fault I was so strongly attracted to him and couldn’t make the feelings go away? No, of course not. Gabriel was just being the only thing he could ever be: himself.

“I do see what you’re saying, Althea. But we should still be sensitive to other people’s feelings. We shouldn’t deliberately hurt someone.”

“No, of course not. But I can’t see you doing that, Isadora. You’re a nurturer, a healer.”

“I hope so. How can a person live in the world without caring, without wanting to make things better?”

She sighed. “That’s a good question. But most of us do.” She waved a hand to encompass four men who were jogging by, analyzing the stock market. “We’re … ants, going through our daily routine, caught up in it, not much caring about anyone else.”

“That’s not how I want to live.” I knew that now, thanks to Gabriel.

“Caring about people is good. But all the same, it doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe around being ultra-protective of everyone who’s too sensitive for their own good. There has to be a balance.”

A balance. Slowly, I nodded. “That sounds right to me.”

“And you’re entitled to some happiness of your own, young lady.”

Happiness. Would having an affair with Gabriel make me happy? Maybe for the moments we were in bed, but in the long term surely it would only make me miserable.

Make me miserable? As Althea had pointed out, it was up to me to decide how to feel. What if I could have a short-term fling with Gabriel—a secret one that no-one, especially Richard, ever knew about—and afterwards just let it go? Have fun without obsessing over the future. A few nights, or weeks, with Gabriel need not have any effect on my long-term plan for marriage and kids.

But was I capable of sleeping with the man and not getting emotionally involved?

“I should carry on with my run,” Althea said, rising to her feet. “This is an eight mile morning and I don’t want to be late getting to the office.”

“I’m glad you stopped to talk. You’ve given me some things to think about.”

“As have you.” She bent, bestowed a final pat on Pogo’s head, then jogged off without a word of farewell, leaving me wondering what on earth I’d given her to think about.

I’d forgotten my watch, but the increasing number of people on the seawall told me it was time to head home. What shift was I working today? What day was this anyway? Friday?

Back at the apartment, I confirmed it was Friday. I was scheduled to work the afternoon and evening, finishing up at eight.

In the kitchen, I sipped a big glass of water and texted Janice. “CM when u can.”

My cell rang a few minutes later. “I have a class in five minutes,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Is there any way you could make it dinner rather than lunch? Late, after I get off work at eight?”

“That’d be perfect. I’ve got some cousin from Prince George staying at my place this weekend—like, what, I’m running a hotel?—and I really don’t want to be forced to entertain her.”

“Can we eat at my place? I’m not in the mood for a restaurant.”

“Sure. How about I come over around seven or so and get dinner started? I could feed and water the beasties, too.”

We had copies of each other’s apartment keys. I heaved a grateful sigh. “Jan, you’re the greatest. Pick up a bottle of wine, will you, and I’ll pay for it?”

I hung up, yawning, wandered into my sitting room, and studied my tangled sheets. Was there any hope I’d sleep now?

Then I remembered. I’d told Gabriel I would visit Cassie at the hospital.

But I was too tired and distraught to concentrate, to be clever, to get the information I needed. It would have to wait until tomorrow. Besides, if I did visit her, I’d have to find some way of telling Gabriel the results—and I didn’t know when I’d feel ready to talk to him again.

That messy bed drew me. I set the alarm and tumbled between the sheets. In less space than it took to register how good it felt to be lying down, I was asleep.

The alarm woke me. Still groggy, my first thought was—as it always used to be—that I should phone Richard and say good morning. Then I remembered all that had happened in the last few days.

I’d meant it when I told Richard I wanted to remain friends. Before I could change my mind, I leaped out of bed and punched speed dial. He’d likely be in a meeting but at least I could leave a voice-mail and let him know I was thinking of him.

To my surprise, he answered.

Nervously, I said, “Hi, Richard, it’s Isadora.”