Finding Carly (SEAL Team Hawaii #5)(71)

“What in the world are you laughing at? This is not a laughing matter!” she seethed.

He sobered. “I know. And…I think I knew this was how you’d react.”

“How could I not? Jag, she fucking raped you! First, that’s child abuse, and child porn, and endangerment, and probably a hundred other things. But second, you were a child!” Her voice rose. Carly knew she sounded a bit hysterical, but she couldn’t help it. The thought of Jag being abused like he’d been made her utterly crazy. “And I can’t believe your dad was proud. What an asshole! I’m serious about making her pay. They should both pay. I don’t care that it’s been a few decades. She can’t get away with that shit scot-free!”

“God…I love you,” Jag whispered.

Anything else Carly was going to say blanked from her mind. “What?”

“And that’s why you need to go.”

Carly shook her head in confusion. “I’m not leaving.”

“You have to. I can’t do this. I’m fucking broken, Carly. The second you threw your leg over me, I froze. I was that thirteen-year-old kid again. I won’t sentence you to living my hell with me.”

She shook her head again. “If you think you can tell me that you love me and you’re breaking up with me in the same breath, you’re crazy.”

“Angel,” Jag said, “it’s because I love you that I have to let you go.”

“No,” Carly said succinctly.

“No?” he echoed.

“I love you too, Jag. And when you love someone, you don’t give up on them just because things are complicated. You stood by me when I needed you the most, when I was a complete wreck of a human being, and there’s no way I’m leaving you. What if the roles were reversed and it was me sitting here, telling you a babysitter raped me for years and my mom thought it was great that I was getting some? Would you be disgusted? Would you think less of me? Would you leave me?”

“You know I wouldn’t,” Jag said.

“Then why the hell do you think I will? Jag, what happened to you was terrible. And it was not your fault.”

“I freaked out on you,” Jag said dejectedly. He was looking down at their still clasped hands, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Yeah, you did,” Carly said bluntly. “But you had a damn good reason. I should’ve just talked to you. Told you I wanted to make love. Instead, I thought it would be a good idea to take control. Obviously, that wasn’t exactly the best way to go about trying to be more intimate with you. But, Jag…what did you think you were going to do? Keep that secret to yourself forever?”

He shrugged. “Yes?”

They were silent for a long moment.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Carly finally decided, sitting up straighter and putting some force behind her words. “We’re gonna go back to the bedroom and get some sleep with you holding me, just like you do every night. Tomorrow, we’ll find a good therapist for you to talk to.”

Jag shook his head. “No.”

“Yes,” Carly insisted. “You need to talk to someone about this. You’ve kept it inside for way too long. You need to purge it, purge her. Again, if someone assaulted me, you’d insist on me getting help. Admit it.”

He nodded.

“There’s nothing wrong with getting help, Jag.”

“Men don’t get raped,” he whispered.

“That’s bullshit. Maybe it doesn’t happen as often as it does to women, but she had sex with you against your will. That’s rape, even if you got hard. Sometimes women get wet when they’re raped, that doesn’t mean they enjoyed it or wanted it. It’s a natural reaction of the body.”

Her voice lowered. “Please don’t let this break us up. I need you, Jag. Nothing’s changed with my situation. You make me feel safe, but more than that, I love you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, and nothing you’ve said tonight has changed that for me. You need to be in charge during sex? Fine. I can handle that. For the rest of our lives, if necessary.”

He looked up then, and Carly could see the desperate hope in his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.”

Carly laughed. She couldn’t help it. “Feel sorry for you? Jag, you’re a badass Navy SEAL. Generous, funny, considerate, amazing, and a hundred other adjectives. The last thing I feel is sorry for you.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said, bringing his hand up and brushing his knuckles against her cheek.

“I know.”

“Did you really pack your bag?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Good?” Carly asked.

“Yeah. I never want you to be afraid to go where you want and do what you think is right. If I fuck up, you should want to leave. You’re too good to stay with anyone who doesn’t treat you like you’re the most important person in their life.”

Carly pressed her lips together so she didn’t start crying again.

“I’m so sorry,” Jag said. “I never meant to taint you with my past. I thought I had it under control…but obviously, I don’t.”

Carly brought their clasped hands up and kissed his knuckles. “Will you come back to bed?”