Fighting Redemption(79)

“I am! She’s always wanted this!”

“More than she’s wanted you? More than she needs you?” Monty shook his head, disappointment obvious in his eyes. Ryan hated seeing that. “Think about it,” he was told before Monty strode out of the room, the silence he left behind suddenly eerie as it rang loud in his ears.

Shit. Just … f*cking shit.

Was he really just scared?

No. Of course he wasn’t. Ryan was a goddamn SAS soldier. He was trained to be one of the toughest sonofabitches in the military. He didn’t do scared. Scared was for little boys who couldn’t stand up to their fathers—who took the beatings and then cried under the cover of darkness. That wasn’t him. Not anymore.

Standing up, Ryan shrugged the thought off and put the chair back underneath the desk.





Two months later

Eastern Afghanistan



His adrenaline pumping, Ryan left the briefing with determination and narrow-eyed focus. Shit was heating up, back-up was being called, and he was about to be heading right into the thick of it.

Monty clapped him on the back as they moved fast towards their respective bunks. “Let’s suit up and get the f*ck out there.”

Exhaling steadily, Ryan gave a short nod. Reaching his bunk, he stripped down with short, sharp movements. Tugging down a fitted white shirt, he tucked his tags underneath. Next, he slid on his green and brown pants. Sweat already lining his brow, he did up his belt and pulled on his shirt, working his way down the buttons and tucking it in. Over that went his standard issue Tiered Body Armour System, and after adjusting it in place, Ryan did a final check of his ammunition and equipment pouches. Satisfied everything was where it was supposed to be, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on thick socks and boots.

Knowing he had a few minutes, he stood and opened his locker. A sheaf of papers sat inside. He pulled them out and sat back down, running his fingers over Fin’s handwriting.

He skimmed over each one, the phrases that meant the most catching his eye as he went.



I’m glad you couldn’t keep your hands off me. When I close my eyes at night I feel them running over my bare skin as though you’re still here. I feel your hand resting on my chest at night like you used to do, and I know it’s because you like to feel the beat of my heart beneath your fingers. Did you know that you always sleep deeper that way? Some nights you cry out in your sleep, and it hurts just hearing it, but then your hand will eventually settle over my heart and your breathing evens out.



Ryan flicked to the next page.



I miss you. Each day hurts a little more than the last.



He flicked again.



You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, but someone smart and brave once told me that it’s always the strongest that fall the hardest. You can trust me, Ryan. Let go. I’ll be here to catch you. I’ll always be here.



Ryan’s hands shook.



I’ve attached an ultrasound image of our baby and a list of names in order of my favourites, but it would be nice to have your input—if you’d like to.



Ryan had emailed her back, telling her the name at the very top of the list was perfect. She’d also attached a photo of herself and he couldn’t stop himself from telling her that she was perfect too. And their baby.

Monty had been right. Having it yelled right in his face forced Ryan to finally admit it to himself. He was scared. He’d panicked—his entire chest tight with anxiety at the thought of her choosing him over everything else. How could he live up to that and be worth the sacrifice? It was a risk he’d been too scared to take. But now?

Ryan ran trembling fingers over the photos and swallowed hard before tucking them carefully into his shirt pocket and doing up the button.

Now?

She was his, and just like Monty said, it was time to man the f*ck up and take the damn risk. Picking up his weapons, Ryan wrapped up all the beautiful memories in his mind and tucked them deep inside. He had to focus. There was an entire unit of soldiers out there in trouble, and right now they deserved everything he had to give.

Ryan stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the thick warm air in the fading dusk. He joined his team as they made their way to the waiting Black Hawks. The rotors were already thumping, the engines warming.

Monty slapped him on the back. “Ready?”

“Never been more ready.” He looked sideways at Monty and grinned. Soon—just a few weeks from now—Ryan would be home. He was going to take Fin out under those stars, right in the very spot he told her how much he loved her and ask her to be his forever. “I’m going to ask Fin to marry me.”

Monty returned his grin. “‘Bout f*cking time, Kendall.”

His heart lifted as they kicked up their pace into a jog, leaping into the chopper with excitement. Soon they would be in the thick of battle, and their entire team was pumped to get in on the action.

Ryan gripped Nathan’s arm as he leaped up behind him, and when they were all on board, Monty twirled his finger, his eyes hard and serious. “Let’s move out!” he yelled.

“Don’t give up on me, Fin,” Ryan whispered softly in the fading light as the chopper lifted.





Same time

Fremantle, Western Australia