Fighting Redemption(41)

“Ryan?” came Fin’s sweet voice.

Oh no. Was he hearing Fin’s voice now too? He was tired of hearing voices. It was too much.

“Go away,” he moaned at the voice, his laughter vanishing as loud, keening sobs broke from his chest. He couldn’t breathe when wave after wave of them crashed over him, dragging him beneath the surface.

“I want to sleep,” he cried hoarsely. “And I don’t ever want to wake up.”

“Please, Ryan. Don’t do this.”

Fin placed a hand on his shoulder, and Ryan screwed his eyes shut, realising that she was really there and he wasn’t hearing things.

“I’m so tired,” he whispered to her, his voice muffled against his knees. Hot tears fell thick and fast down his face and nothing could hold them back. He didn’t even have the energy right then to hide them from her. “So tired of living with so much pain.”

“Please get up,” she choked out. Her voice held a world of hurt as she tugged at his arm, but he couldn’t move.

“It’s my fault,” he sobbed, holding his head in his hands. “It should’ve been me.”

“You can’t take the blame, Ryan. God. It will kill you.”

“You weren’t there!” he shouted, looking up and finding her kneeling before him. “You have no idea what happened!”

“So tell me!” Fin yelled back, her chest heaving as she knelt before him, her green eyes glaring. She looked away for a moment, and when she looked back, her beautiful eyes were wide with grief. “Tell me,” she whispered. “I need to know.”

Ryan took a deep shaky breath. “Was he right? Am I just a lousy reminder that’s holding you back?”

“No!” she cried desperately. “Don’t listen to Ian. I had no idea he’d be here tonight. I’m not … we’re not getting back together. I promise.”

“You don’t owe me promises.”

“It’s not about owing anyone anything, it’s—”

“It is,” he cut her off. “I owe Jake. I owe him. More now than ever.”

Fin pressed her lips together, fighting tears. “I can’t live without you, Ryan.”

He nodded, his heart burning with so much love for her he ached with it. “I can’t live without you either,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks, “but I’m going back. You know that, right? I have to finish what Jake and I started together. This war … I need to see it through for the both us. If I don’t it’ll just feel like he died for nothing, and I can’t accept that.”

Fin reached out and cupped his face in her hands, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. “I know,” she whispered.

“Kendall? Fin?” Kyle called out.

They both turned towards the alley entrance. Kyle stood there, peering into the darkness.

Ryan cleared his throat. “Down here, mate.”

As Ian stepped around the corner behind Kyle, Fin pushed herself angrily away from Ryan, anger burning brightly in her eyes as she stood up and strode determinedly towards Ian. Ryan staggered to his feet as Kyle reached out to grab her and missed.

“Goddamn you, Ian! How dare you?” she shrieked and launched herself at his chest, her tiny fists pummelling him. “Stop making everything worse. We’re not together anymore!”

He stumbled back, grabbing her wrists with enough force that she jerked violently in his hold. “Fin—”

Kyle wrapped his arms around her waist, yanking her away before Ryan could reach her. “Hands off of her, *!” he snarled.

“You’ve done your damage,” Fin whispered wearily at Ian. “Just go.”

Reaching her side, Ryan took hold of her, pulling her towards him. She buried her face in his chest. “Please take me home, Ryan.”

Ignoring Ian, he wound his arms tightly around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss against her ear and whispered softly, “You got it, baby.”





Ryan’s heart thumped heavily as they sat in the back of the cab heading home. He wanted to pull Fin over to him, sit her on his lap and hang on forever. Instead he settled for reaching out and tucking her hand in his. Linking their fingers, he rested them on his thigh as he stared out the window into the night.

Fin squeezed his hand, as though drawing strength from the touch. Had he done the right thing? He’d told Fin he couldn’t live without her. There was no taking that back. He always thought he’d been strong—his mind, his body, his heart—but he wasn’t strong enough to fight without Fin anymore.

The Army and the SAS had been his dream—his chance to be somebody, save lives, show his parents he was worth something. But after years of what he thought was dealing with his past, the unkind bitch that was retrospect told him he’d just been running from it. Being a soldier had been his escape, his flight from the demons that bound him, and Fin had been the only one who could stop him from running forever. As long as she was here, he could run as far and as fast as he wanted, but for her he would always return.

“Ryan. Are you okay?”

He stared out the window, unable to face her. “I’m not sure I’ve been okay for a long time, Fin.”

“Will you ever tell me?”

He watched the streets pass by rapidly as the cab drove them towards Fin’s house. “My past is catching up with me,” he said eventually.