Feels Like Summertime(44)

“How do you feel about me, Jake?” I whisper back.

“I never wanted to be a father,” Jake says.

“Oh.” I sit back. My world is crumbling beneath my feet, and I hold tightly to the arms of my chair to settle myself.

“Stop it,” he chides. He takes my hand in his. “Stop it, now. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Can I explain?”

“Please do.”

“Laura always wanted a baby, and I really didn’t. She talked me into it, and then making a baby became a job. It sucked all the joy out of it. When I imagined fatherhood, I imagined some little snot-nosed brat waking me up at all hours of the night, kids crying for food at inconvenient times, and someone taking Laura away from me at his or her own whim. I didn’t want kids. But then I met yours…” His voice trails off.

“And what did you think?” I hold my breath.

“They were a part of you, so I had no choice but to love them at first sight.” He chuckles. “Trixie woke me up last night because she said there was a blue raccoon under her bed and Sally was too big to go under there and look.”

“And you’re so much smaller than Sally.” I laugh. I had no idea she was waking Jake up. “I’m sorry she woke you.”

“I’m not. I had to get out some blue raccoon spray.”

“There’s blue raccoon spray?”

“A bottle of air freshener. I sprayed it under her bed and all was well. Then I stayed with her until she fell asleep. Sally sneezed for a good half hour and Alex woke up to ask me who farted.” He chuckles.

I laugh too. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell her not to wake you anymore.”

“Oh, please don’t,” he says. “I loved it. It wasn’t a chore. It was nice.”

“You didn’t sign on for fatherhood.”

“I think I would. If you wanted me to, that is.” He coughs into his fist and his cheeks turn pink. “I mean…if you wanted me to be their dad, I’d be honored.”

Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back. “They had a great father. And he can’t be replaced.”

“I know that. And I don’t want to take Jeff’s place. But I want to take my place. And I want to feel like it’s mine. Forever. Always. I don’t want to be him. I want to be me, and I want to be what I am to them, whatever that might be.” He leans close to me and whispers, “And then there’s you.”

“What about me?” I whisper back.

“I want to be deep inside you, even when I’m not.” He laughs. “And trust me, I want to be deep inside you all the f*cking time, Katie. All the time.”

My belly takes a dive down toward my toes and my head starts to spin all at once. I wave my hand in front of my face. “It’s getting hot in here.”

“Feet to the fire, Katie. Do you want me or not?”

“I want you, Jake,” I tell him. I lay my palm on his cheek. “I do. I’m just afraid.”

“I know. I’ll help you through it if you’ll let me.”

I nod and sit back. Hank starts to squirm in his seat, and Jake unbuckles him, taking him out of the car seat. It’s hot out, so he’s only wearing a onesie and his diaper. He stretches his skinny little body as he wakes up.

“You might want to feed him before our food comes.”

I didn’t think this through very well, because this dress is not made for nursing. I look around. “I should probably go to the bathroom or something.”

Jake grabs the spaghetti strap on my shoulder and tugs until the bow comes loose. This dress has a built-in bra, so I’d stuffed it full of leak pads and called it done. Jake hands me a lightweight blanket from the car seat and I toss it over my shoulder, and then I adjust all my parts and Henry latches on. I flush when I realize that Jake can hear him drinking greedily.

“Not very sexy, huh?” I say. I want to bury my face in my hands. But Jake lifts the blanket off my shoulder and looks down at where Hank is suckling.

“Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Jake breathes.

The dark edge of my areola is visible around Hank’s mouth. Jake kisses my naked shoulder and then drops down low and presses a soft kiss against my breast, right above where Hank is latched on. My belly flips again. He comes up quick and presses his lips against mine. “I want you to be mine.”

I nod and clear my throat. “I want that too, but…”

He stares hard at me. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m a package deal, Jake.”

“I know.” He wipes away the tear that slowly tracks down my cheek. He grins. “So, you want to be my girlfriend?”

I grin too, and wipe beneath my eyes with my free hand. “I’ll be your girlfriend.” My heart flips over in my chest, and for the first time since Jeff died, I feel hopeful that there is more to life than death and regret.

“And I’ll be your boyfriend,” Jake says to me.

The waitress brings our meal. “You guys are so cute together,” she says on a laugh. Then she disappears again.

“This is the best date ever,” I tell him.

He grins at me and helps me tie my straps back up when it’s time to switch sides, and I swear that I see him adjust himself when he sits back again.