Fauxmance (Showmance #2)(81)
The thought of the two of them being so helpless, with nowhere to turn, made my heart heavy.
“You might not realise it, but he’s the most selfless person you will ever meet. Everything he does is for others. I’ve seen him change lives. He just has this way of influencing people. I’m sure you’ve felt it for yourself.”
“Yes,” I whispered. “He definitely changed me.”
Her eyes grew glossy. “The thing is, you changed him, too.”
I looked away, sniffling. “I’m not so sure about that.”
“But you did. Do you know he’s stopped working? Even before he ended things with you, he wasn’t himself with any of his clients. He doesn’t know it, and he’d probably deny it if asked, say it was passing infatuation, but he was falling in love with you, Ellen.”
All at once, the air left my lungs. “Then why did he leave me?”
“Because he was frightened. You have to understand, Julian has always resigned himself to being unlovable, or to being loved temporarily. It’s a crutch he uses so that he never has to invest in one person, never has to have his heart broken. His mother was a careless woman. She loved him in her own way, but she struggled with depression, so her love never really came across. In the years when Julian lived with her, she went from one partner to the next. She cheated on most of the people she was with, and that’s all Julian ever saw. He never saw a loving, monogamous relationship. When he grew up, he took on the same behaviour, but he’s not the same as his mum. He’s not careless. If anything, he cares too much. He gives all of himself away and leaves nothing just for him.”
“He said he thought it was for the best that we end things. That it would hurt at first, but in the long run I’d see he was right.”
Rose’s bright blue eyes turned sad. “He’s pushing you away. I’ve tried to reason with him, but he won’t listen. He’s been staying with Damon and I on the island. We just got back to London last night.”
“I don’t know what to do, Rose. I…” my cheeks flushed as I swallowed. “I want to be with him, but he doesn’t want to be with me. Or at least, that’s what he’s telling himself.”
She reached out to squeeze my hand. “Julian doesn’t respond well to being pressured. Give him time. I think he’ll come around eventually. He’s too smart not to.”
I stared into her kind, caring eyes, so grateful that she’d come to talk to me. But the thing was, I deserved better than to wait around. I understood that Julian viewed himself a certain way, that he didn’t believe he could be loved unconditionally, loved forever, but how could he not see that was how I felt for him? How could he be so wilfully blind?
I was torn in two over this.
One part of me yearned for Julian, was heartbroken for all the suffering he’d been through, but the other part was angry. Running away from love was the coward’s route, and though he might need time, I wasn’t going to hang about the house, pining and waiting for him to come looking for me.
For years I’d been trying to build up the courage to go travelling. I’d just submitted my book to my editor, so I now had the free time not to mention the funds to finally tick an item off my bucket list. I’d wasted so much time, entire decades of my life inside my room, making up stories but never experiencing life firsthand.
When I got home after my shift, I opened up my laptop, navigated to a travel website and started to make some plans.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Julian
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
“I want you to come on board as a technical consultant for the film,” Damon said as he lifted his cup of coffee.
I glanced up from the newspaper I was reading with breakfast and arched an eyebrow. “Pardon?”
“I keep forgetting that you still haven’t read Ellen’s books. The film is based on book one, Good Girl, Bad Lady, and the storyline revolves around Sasha writing an expose about male escorts. Your expertise would be extremely helpful.”
“I’m aware of the storyline. If you hadn’t noticed, Rose likes to discuss the series ad nauseam.” My irritable countenance didn’t put him off. I’d been a grumpy bastard for months now, and Rose and Damon were saints for putting up with me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt myself. I thought that being without Ellen would get easier with time, but so far it hadn’t.
I’d not seen her since the day of her father’s wedding. When I came home from Skye, I made sure to avoid the Polka Dot Café and the area near her house. I feared that if I saw her, I’d crack, get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness, take any scraps she was willing to give.
Then, during a weak moment, I’d taken a stroll past the bookshop. When I spotted Bernice inside, I couldn’t resist going in. I had no plan, other than a deep-seated need to see Ellen, make sure she was okay. I asked Bernice if she’d be on shift that day, but she only shook her head and informed me Ellen had taken a few months off to go travelling across Europe. My heart sank at the news, but another, selfless part of me rejoiced. She’d finally built up the courage to go explore the world by herself.
“I’d like to get your real-life perspective,” Damon went on, drawing me back to the conversation. “The story is told from Sasha’s point of view, but I want to depict the experience of the escort she develops a relationship with in the most realistic way possible.”