Falling Down(146)

"Jesse, I suspect for the first time in your life you feel remorse, pain, anguish, heartache."
"Is that what--I can't breathe." She runs a hand over my cheek.
"You've never let yourself care enough about anyone to leave yourself vulnerable and with that vulnerability comes heartache and pain when things go wrong. You finally let yourself feel."
"Well, this f*cking sucks."
She laughs through tears. "I know. But the good outweighs the bad, doesn't it?"
I nod. It does. Nothing beats the feeling of loving Lucy. Nothing.
"I'm confused about what I should do here, Jesse. I want to leave on one hand but on the other I think my leaving would be a mistake, that I'd be giving up something that has the potential to be so, so wonderful."
"Please stay. Please believe me when I say I want no one but you."
She nods. "Do you want this? Me and you?"
"I do. I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to figure it out."
She breathes out a shuddering breath. "I won't lie to you, Jesse. I'm afraid, so afraid. I was scared before but now I'm terrified because I know how easily you can destroy me."
"That goes both ways, Lucy."
"Maybe so but what happens when we're on tour and the groupies swarm you? What happens when one of your 'regulars' shows up?" Those god damn air quotes again.
"I sign their shit and send them on their way. There are no regulars, Lucy. Only you."
"Can I trust that to be true? I can't ask you to promise to never hurt me again because that's an unrealistic request, but I'm going to ask you this: if you want out, if you want to go f*ck around with someone else, you tell me and we call it quits before anything like that happens. If you respect me enough to do that, we could walk away being friendly. If you disrespect me and cheat on me, you'll be dead to me. That may sound harsh, but I won't tolerate cheating--and you already lied to me. That's not going to be easy to get past."
I nod. She's got valid points and I can't fault her for not trusting me now. I said I'd do something and didn't. If she did the same, I'd feel exactly as she is right now.
"We need to communicate, Jesse, no matter how difficult things are or how hard it is to talk about--even if it hurts one or both of us. If we try to talk it out, to work it out, at least we tried together."
I nod. "I can only ask you to be patient with me, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I feel like a total * right now, begging you--my dad would laugh his ass off. Men don't beg women for anything and they sure as f*ck don't cry. Men don't feel. Men use women to f*ck, that's all they need to feel."
"God, Jesse. That explains so much. And I'd really like to meet your dad so I can kick him in the balls and elbow him in the face."
Amazingly, I laugh.
"I'm in this, Lucy. All-in. No going back. No excuses. No bullshit. Just me and you."
She nods. "If you hurt me again…"
"I won't. Not intentionally."
"This time was intentional whether you knew it or not."
I nod because it's f*cking true. I'm a prick.
"I'm an *. I just need to get used to this. I never expected to be in love. Ever."
A few minutes go by and I know she's processing things, weighing things.
"Okay," she breathes.
"Okay?" My heart starts beating and I can breathe again.
She nods.
I wrap my arms around her, holding her close.
"I'm so f*cking sorry."
"I know. Just don't do it again."
I nod and bury my face in her stomach, holding her close, carefully avoiding putting too much pressure on her tattoo.