Falling Down(144)

"Lucy." She ignores me. "Lucy," I walk toward her and take her hand. She shrugs me off. "God damn it Lucy," I shout. "Don't make me grab you. I don't want to hurt your tats."
She laughs, mascara streaking down her cheeks. "Because that'd be horrible, right? To hurt me physically? But, hey, emotionally, let's f*ck Lucy over. Noooo problem."
She takes another swig of her vodka drink. Just how many has she had?
"Please, Lucy. Just a few minutes, it's all I ask." I'll f*cking beg if I need to. She can't leave me. I don't know what I'm doing, why I didn't delete them like she asked. God. I run my hands through my hair and pull.
"Please."
She eyes me, then walks over to the bed and sits on the edge. "You have five minutes." She looks to the clock. "Starting now. Go."
Jesus.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Lucy, and tell you I don't know why I didn't send the text or delete them. I don't understand it. Maybe I was trying to hold onto something because I was afraid of what was ahead? Maybe I was afraid it wasn't real? I honestly don't know."
I pace back and forth in front of her. She doesn't even look at me, just steadily wipes the tears from her cheeks. It hurts my chest so f*cking much knowing I made her hurt this bad. God. I feel sick. I did this. I did this to her. I am such a f*cking *.
I drop down on my knees in front of her and her eyes go wide.
"Lucy, God, I am so sorry. Please don't cry. I'm a dick. I'm an * and I f*cked up so bad. I know sorry isn't enough but it's all I've got. That and this," I say, taking my phone out, typing out a quick text. I read it aloud, "I've met someone and I'm in love with her. Don't call, don't write, don't text, and don't show up. We're done."
She doesn't look impressed. Even when I hit send. Not even when I delete each and every female in my contacts list that aren't business associates or family.
She tries so hard to choke back the sob that breaks loose and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and hold her, let her know how much I love her, but I know she won't believe me. I know she won't let me touch her. Fuck it. I'm going to try. I'm not going to take no for an answer. She is what I want and I'll be god damned if I'm going to let her walk away without a fight.
I toss the f*cking phone on the bed and reach out to hold both her hands in mine. She tries to pull them away, but I hold tight.
"Stop," I tell her. She ignores me and I say it again, only louder and harsher. "Stop it right now, Lucy. God damn it. Listen to me."
"Why should I? You didn't listen to me… or you did, but it went in one ear and out the other."
I nod. "I deserve that and whatever else you've got for me. I'll gladly take it. God, Luce, I'm so f*cking sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, how to do this. I've never had anyone to answer to and… f*ck. Please don't go," I whisper, hanging my head. "I don't know if I was trying to sabotage what we have, to push you away, I honestly don't, but I can tell you I'm so f*cking sorry. God, please don't cry, Lucy. Please."
Her shoulders shake as the tears keep falling.
"If you were looking to sabotage us," she says shakily, "you succeeded. I don't understand why you'd do that."
"Truth?"
She just gives me a look.
"I'm scare out of my f*cking mind, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I have no god damn clue. My parents, they're a piss poor example of how relationships work. No one I know has had a successful relationship, so who do I turn to when I need to figure out the answers?"