Falling Down(145)

"The answer to that is me. Or it should have been."
I drop my head into her lap and wrap my arms around her waist. She tries to push me away, and she tries really f*cking hard too.
"I'm not letting you go, Lucy. I can't. I can't let you go."
"Why? Obviously I'm not enough for you if you needed to keep those numbers."
"Lucy," I whisper. "You're so much more than I ever imagined I'd have in my life and I have no idea how to handle this. What we have between us, it's huge. The biggest. You, you're everything to me. Maybe I needed to push you to see how well you'd stick around, or to see if you'd end up hurting me like my parents hurt each other."
She nods.
"I swear to you with everything I am, I love you. I've never said those words to another living soul. Ever. I wouldn't say it if I didn't feel it in here," I say thumping my fist against my chest. "Please talk to me."
At first she says nothing, but I can all but see the wheels turning as she thinks. She sighs out a shaky breath and wipes more tears. God, it's killing me knowing I hurt her like this. I'm a f*cking prick. She deserves better than me.
And there it is.
My breath catches. Fuck.
"Figure it out?" she asks.
I nod.
"Why?"
"You deserve better than me. You are so f*cking amazing at everything you do. You're kind, caring, generous, and you've got this big heart that you wear on your sleeve and share only with those closest to you. I think that's because you've been hurt one too many times and you feel the need to protect yourself. Me? I'm just a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who got lucky when a music producer dropped in for a drink at the bar we were performing at one night. It was a f*cking dive. Peanut shells all over the floor mixed in with beer, ashes, and cigarettes. We didn't give a f*ck. We just wanted to play and if we earned a couple bucks doing it. Well, then we found a way to feed ourselves, get some equipment we needed, or to pay for some studio time. Me and Ben, we were okay as far as food and clothes, Xander too, but Ethan and Kennedy? They had it bad. Their moms both crackheads. No food in the house ever. They spent most of their time at our house or Xan's. Xan's parents were doctors and weren't around much so we stayed there most of the time,"
I sigh and look up into her eyes, reaching out to hold her hands in mine.
"You're pure, you're genuine, and you're so real I'm scared shitless. I'm just a street punk who doesn't know the first thing about love or relationships. I'm really great at keeping people at arm's length and likely that's part of what was going on here as well. I am so f*cking sorry I hurt you. I don't want anyone but you, Lucy. Only you."
My breath hitches, my chest gets tight, and my vision blurs. "I can't stand knowing I hurt you. I am so, so sorry," I whisper. "I can't promise I won't f*ck up again because, being me, I'm probably gonna. All I know, Luce, is that I f*cking love you more than anything in this world. I can't imagine not being with you. Just the thought of not being with you rips my heart to shreds. I can't breathe, it hurts, Luce."
A tear slips from my eye and down my cheek. What…?
"Jesse," she whispers.
"I don't--" I try to speak but another tear slips.
"I won't say it's okay because it's not. I swore I'd never lie to you and I'm not going to start now and you can bet your ass I expect you to keep that same promise. But let me clue you in on what's going on."
I just look up at her, eyes wide, vision blurry. I'm so confused. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. I don't cry. What's happening to me?