Fall From Grace(2)

He turned to leave, but I felt his halfhearted attempt at being able to do something, hang heavy and linger in the air between us.

“This has nothing to do with Jacob, Gabriel.  Yes, my brother is gone now, and I will miss him, but this has to do with my being here, still alone.  I’m relieved Jacob is gone.  He’s been dying for years with that cancer.  No human being should suffer as he did.  Being here is excruciating, Gabriel, but I’m still here!  So please, do not patronize me.  Do not visit every so often, glare at me with those cold dead eyes, and tell me how you wish you could do something, when I know for a fact that you could.  Unless you have something to offer me in way of advice or counsel, I’ll be doing what I’ve always done, putting one foot in front of the other and moving on.”  My eyes welled up when I turned from him.  Of course, I would miss Jacob.  Someone like Gabriel would never understand any of these horrible human emotions and all this pain.  I just wished it would end; I would just like not to exist in this world anymore or in any world.  I just wanted, well, it doesn’t matter what I wanted, did it?

In one quick movement, Gabriel grabbed me and spun me to face him.  His stern fatherly expression dissolved into a tender smile.  The behavior startled me in such a way that my knees gave out from underneath me. I had never seen Gabriel smile like that.  He embraced me in his huge bronze arms and whispered into my ears without saying a word.

“You are the strongest person that I have ever known.  You’ve been broken more times than anyone, and yet you keep...I want so much to save you...”  His embrace calmed me. I slowly pushed myself off and out of his arms, trying to distance myself from him.

The tenderness was gone and the stern father figure was standing before me as if that little slip in time of encouragement and tenderness never happened.

“Thank you, Gabriel.”  And, that’s where I left him.  Standing in a hospital hallway, in the middle of nowhere, thinking that I was the strongest person he’d known. As if, I had a choice in that.




Chapter 2

I kept walking until I found myself standing in the middle of the hospice parking lot, but I couldn’t remember where my Jeep was. I couldn’t remember the last time I was outside of the hospice walls. The rays of the sun felt as if they were assaulting me for hiding for so long.  Rummaging in my pockets for my keys, I wondered if I should go back inside to the room they had given Jacob to get my belongings.

Clicking the alarm on the keys helped me find my Jeep, and after climbing in, I sat heavily into the driver’s seat.  I glanced in the backseat where my guitar case was propped up against the back window.  Just whom was I kidding?  Everything I owned was in this vehicle.  I just needed to leave, so I started the engine.

I peeled out of the parking lot as if my tailpipes were on fire. I had more than 400 miles to cover and I wanted to do it as fast as I possibly could.  Heading straight to the I-90 New York State Thruway, I stepped on the gas as hard as I could.

I placed my phone in the speaker cradle on my dashboard and called Lea hands-free.

“Grace?  What’s wrong?” the disembodied voice of my best friend answered.

“Jake’s gone, so I’m coming back.  My room still empty?”

“Oh, Gray.”  Her pet name for me touched my heart.  “Of course, it’s empty.  I don’t even know what to say.  Jake was...”

“Please don’t.  It’s over and he’s not in any more pain. I’ll be back sometime tonight.”