FADING (A novel)(61)

This closeness that I feel with Ryan is a lot for me to process. Closing my eyes, I take a slow, deep breath and shift to my side, resting my cheek on his sternum. I listen to his heart as it beats rapidly.

“You okay?” His words are the first spoken since we left my parents house. I know I can’t talk around the huge lump in my throat, so I just shake my head. Ryan rests his chin on the top of my head, and when I begin to cry again, he tightens his hold on me.

I feel safe enough with him to finally have this release. I’ve spent years making excuses for my parents, just brushing off and accepting their behavior. But, this . . . this cuts deep. My whole life I’ve been trying to make them proud of me, but I just can’t be what they want me to be. I can’t even think about trying to bottle up this pain, so I just let it out.





Chapter Twenty-One


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Ryan stayed over for a few hours before leaving me last night. We barely spoke at all as he held me, but we didn’t need to talk. I never feel as if I need to be anything I’m not when I am with him. I don’t even want to think about what last night would have been like if he hadn’t been there.

He told me I didn’t have to go with him to his mom’s house, that he would stay with me. But I really need the distraction. So, we are making the four-hour drive to Cannon Beach in Oregon to spend the next few days with his family. I’m nervous about meeting everyone. Ryan has a large family, something I have never been around. All I know is the dysfunction I grew up around with my mother and father.

“You’re quiet over there,” Ryan says as he drives through the tall, thick pine trees of the mountains.

“Just a little nervous.”

“Don’t be.” He gives my knee a soft squeeze of reassurance.

On our long drive, I try not to worry too much about what they will think of me. Ryan does a good job of distracting me with conversation and listening to music. After a while, I decide to lean back and take a nap since I had a restless night of sleep.

When we pull up to the large, two-story, dark grey beach house with a driveway and street full of cars, I start wringing my hands and fingers together. He parks the jeep, steps out, and walks around to my side, opening my door.

Grabbing both of my hands, he says, “Don’t be so nervous. Just relax.”

I nod my head, but I worry they might think I’m weird or rude if I’m too quiet. I worry that I don’t look nice enough, or maybe that I look too nice. Ryan helps me out of the car, and when I start smoothing down the pencil skirt of my black cap-sleeved dress, he starts laughing.

“Why are you laughing at me?”

“Because I’ve never seen you so wound up before.”

He reaches in the jeep and grabs the bottle of Pahlmeyer Merlot that I bought for his mother. We start walking to the front door when I tug against his hand. Turning around, he cocks his head slightly and gives me a concerned look.

“Ryan . . . I don’t do well around a lot of people,” I hesitantly confess to him.

He places his hand on my shoulder and says, “My family will love you, but if you feel that uncomfortable, we can go. Just say the word.”

“No, I want to meet them, I’m just . . .” I feel like I am stumbling over my words when he says, “Hey, I’m right here. No worries, okay?”

Letting out a sigh, I say, “Okay.”

He takes my hand in his and starts leading me up the wet drive. When we walk in, I’m almost knocked down when two little boys dart through the foyer, chasing each other with plastic swords.

Ryan chuckles at the kids and says to me, “Come on,” as he takes me through the house. The walls are filled with family photographs. It’s a beautiful house, not extravagant like the one I grew up in.

Laughter echoes through the large house, and as we turn the corner into the kitchen, I see three women huddled over the counter looking at a tabloid magazine. One of them looks up as we enter the room, and a warm smile crosses her face when she sees Ryan.

Stretching out her arms and wrapping them around him, she says, “Finally, you made it. We missed you this morning.”

Never letting go of my nervous hand, he embraces her with his free arm. When I start to loosen my grip to allow him his other arm, he tightens his hold on me.

After she lets go of him, she turns her attention to me, and Ryan introduces us. “Mom, this is Candace.”

“I am so glad to finally meet you, dear.” And just like she did with Ryan, she pulls me in for a warm hug, but I’m a little distracted by her word finally. Has Ryan mentioned me to her before a few days ago when he called to tell her he was bringing me? Before I can think about it too much, Ryan’s hand leaves mine as the other two women are hugging me and introducing themselves as his aunts. Little kids start flooding into the kitchen screaming for their Uncle Ryan. His mother starts calling off the names of all the children, but I can’t even focus on what she is saying because I’m overwhelmed. I look over to Ryan, and he’s holding two little girls, one in each arm. One of the girls is tugging on his hair while he is pecking kisses on the other one’s ear, making her squeal loudly. Seeing him like this makes me laugh at how fun and easygoing he is. Although he shows these traits around me, he has started to become more protective lately.

It’s a whirlwind as I’m introduced to all of Ryan’s cousins and their spouses, along with his two uncles. Everyone is talking and hugging me, and I know there is no way I will remember anyone’s name aside from his mother’s, which I’d already known.