Drop Dead Sexy(53)

I was on the way to Mr. Peterson’s graveside service when I got a call from Todd. “Hey Liv, the crime lab just called for us to come pick up Randy.”

“Oh shit. I’m too far away with Blackie and Old Blue is in the shop.”

Yes, folks, we named our hearses. Blackie was an onyx colored Cadillac XTS Landau Coach I splurged on two years ago. While Old Blue was the navy Cadillac LTS hearse my father had purchased ten years ago.

“Don’t worry about it. I can throw a stretcher in the back of the floral truck.”

I groaned. “How classy.”

Todd laughed. “Hey, it just says Sullivan’s on the side. They won’t know it’s the floral truck.”

“Okay. That’s fine. If you make it back before me, just put him in the freezer. I’ll have to get confirmation from Freelings Crematory before we send him.” Since we were a relatively small-time operation, we didn’t have an onsite crematory. We had to send bodies an hour down the road.

“I will do that. Bye.”

“Bye. Todd.”

Thankfully, the graveside service went pretty quickly, and I arrived back at Sullivan’s with just under an hour before Catcher arrived. Coincidentally, Todd had also just arrived back with Randy and was wheeling him up the ramp.

“Glad to see you made pretty good time.”

“Yeah. I never thought I’d make it through Atlanta traffic that fast.”

Todd’s phone started ringing. When he glanced down at it, he grimaced. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Mary. I was supposed to be at the ballpark for Justin’s game ten minutes ago.”

“Answer it, and tell her you’re on the way.” I then shooed him away from the gurney. “Go. I can handle the rest.”

“Are you sure?”

I smiled at him. “Would you just get the hell out of here?”

He grinned. “Thanks, Olivia.”

“No problem.”

As I wheeled Randy into the funeral prep room, Todd ran out the back door. After I got Randy into the freezer, a knock came at the door, which I assumed was Jill with my dress. When I threw open the door, I found Pease, Allen, and my mother instead. I glanced around the group. “Hey guys.”

Without a hello, Pease said, “We’re here to see them.”

“Them?”

She rolled her eyes. “The dicks. We wanna see Randy’s two dicks.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Hell no. Randy’s dicks are like the 8th Wonder of the World,” Pease argued.

“Um, I’m not running a peep show here.”

“Oh come on, Liv. It’s not like we’re asking you to degrade Randy by charging admission. And I’m thinking in his case it would be more of a freak show, than peep show,” Pease argued.

I crossed my arms over my chest before staring pointedly at my mother. “I would expect this out of the two of them, but really Mama, you too?”

She nervously fingered the pearls around her neck—the ones my father had given her for their thirtieth anniversary. “I just figured if they were going to take a peek, I might as well too.”

Sweeping my hands to my face, I rubbed my eyes. “Unbelievable.”

“What’s unbelievable?” Jill asked. She appeared behind the peepshow crew with a black dress thrown over her shoulder and a pair of black stilettos in one of her hands.

“That my mother, brother, and grandmother want to stare at a dead guy’s two penises.”

Jill’s green eyes widened. The next thing I knew, she threw the dress onto one of the high-back chairs before pushing past me into the funeral prep room. “I gotta see this.”

I bit my lip to keep from coining the famous line from Julius Caesar, “E tu Brute?” I should have realized that this would have been something right up Jill’s alley.

Realizing I was fighting a losing battle, I threw up my hands in defeat. “Fine, fine. If you guys don’t have the decency to respect the dead, then go for it.” I pointed a finger at Allen. “You can get Randy out of the freezer and put him back in. I will have no part in it. Besides, I have plans this evening, and I need to get ready.”

Mama’s face lit up like a Christmas Tree. “Plans? Does that mean you have a date?”

Before I could answer, Jill said, “You think she’s wearing one of my sexy dresses and come-f*ck-me-heels to pick up a body?”

In truly overdramatic fashion, Mama swept a hand over her chest as she gave me a toothy smile. “Oh honey, do you know how thrilled this makes me?”

“Yes, Mama. I do.”

Pease peered curiously at me. “And just who are you going out with?”

“Catcher Mains.”

Both Pease and Mama cried, “The one-night-stand guy?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes. That would be the one.”

A pleased smile curved on Pease’s lips. “Well, well, Olivia, you must’ve made one hell of an impression on him if came back for more.” She nudged my arm with the top of her cane. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Allen groaned. “Um, could you guys please not talk about my sister’s sex life in front of me?”