Don't Let Go(70)

“No, it’s okay,” he said, looking troubled. Or maybe embarrassed. “I’m just still nervous, I guess.”
“Totally understandable,” I said, wanting to stick my head in a freezer to chill the heat coming off my face.
“Why don’t we go grab some lunch at the diner,” Noah said.
I knew he was trying to diffuse the sudden awkward turn of conversation and help me out, but he was suddenly standing too close for my heat-infused brain to handle gracefully.
“Lunch is good,” I said, backing away from him a step and knocking into the coffee table. Loudly.
Noah grabbed my elbow to steady me and ended up pulling me closer in the move. I bit down on my lip as I looked up into blue eyes that darkened with memory and cursed my body’s automatic reaction to him.
Not. Mine. To. Want.
That needed to be filed away under stupid things never to do again. Regardless of all the things his face was telling me.
“I’m good,” I said, smiling to prove it. “Just clumsy. Let’s go.”


Chapter 18

Lunch was a blur. I couldn’t tell you what was said, other than Seth’s favorite food was french fries. I don’t think I even dogged that. Ruthie would have been proud.
Words were like background noise, humming along to my thoughts and my chewing. To the visuals as I stared at the two men across the table. Linny got us a booth by the bar so she could frequent it, and Noah and Seth sat across from me and Shayna.
It was brutal. And all I could do was shovel food in so I’d have something to do with my hands. Not only was it surreal to see my son across from me, grown up and talking about the world with my mouth and Noah’s hair and eyes and everything else, but just seeing the two of them sitting together—it killed me. They were so alike. Not just in looks but even mannerisms and personalities. Already joking like best buddies that had hung out for years. I’d taken that away from both of them.
Even though I knew now that Seth had a happy life and probably brought incredible joy to the family that loved him, I felt a severe hit to the gut that we missed it. That Noah never got to teach him to throw a ball or swim or ride a bike, like Hayden had with Becca.
And then there was the constant work of avoiding Noah’s eyes. It seemed that every time I looked his way, he’d be looking at me, and we’d stick like that for a few seconds, turning my insides to a shimmying mess. I’d shove more food I couldn’t taste into my mouth and stare at my plate like it was food from the gods until Shayna would occasionally pipe in with something, and then I’d catch Noah smiling at her and want to throw it all back up. It was the longest meal of my life.
“So, if you want to go back to your house for a while,” Noah was saying, as sound went with the look he was giving me, “I’ll swing by later.”
“What?” I said. He was coming over? All nerve endings went on sweat mode.
Noah looked at me questioningly, and I looked back and forth between them for clarification.
“You can have him to yourself for a little while,” Noah said slowly. “And I’ll pick him up later to go get some dinner and a beer.”
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “That sounds great. Absolutely.” I wondered if he’d want to start drinking early. Since my baby boy was now suddenly past drinking age. My brain needed massaging. And something to do. So I grabbed my phone.
“Put your heads together,” I said, not even letting myself think about it first. We needed new pictures of him. The look in Noah’s eyes as he looked at me for the photo was a sacrifice I’d have to make when I looked at it five hundred more times that night. Right.
“Good idea,” Shayna said, pulling her phone out to click away as well.
Noah chuckled. “Good luck over there,” he said, nudging Seth.
“Hey,” I said, tossing a carrot at him. “Be nice.” Food fights were progress, right?
“Just saying, if your daughter and grandmother show up, he’ll have three generations of women on his plate.”
“Ha ha,” I said. “I so hope you have a daughter, so you can truly have all that testosterone handed to you in a pink teacup and tiara.”
Both men laughed, Noah’s face and body relaxing. For that one tiny second, even for me, it was easy. Till he looked at Shayna and frowned.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I looked at her and she’d gone white. Like gray-white. “Shayna?” I said, touching her arm.
“I’m okay,” she said, smiling it off but not too convincingly. “Just feeling a little puny is all.”
“Can I get you something?” Noah asked, grabbing her hand. Six inches from mine. Not that I noticed. At all. “Need to go home?”
“Hey, y’all go ahead,” I said. “We’ll head to my house from here.”
Noah paid the check and I didn’t miss the look of enormous relief that came over his features when Shayna got up and we weren’t side-by-side anymore. Guess it was a little wiggly from his side, too.
He slapped Seth on the back. “See you later, bud,” he said.
Knowing him, he’d thought about that since we’d sat down. What to say to sound nonchalant. He couldn’t say son, and Seth was so two hours ago. Bud would work. Perfect mix of affection and respectable distance.
I also didn’t miss the slight hesitance in his step as he passed me and the melting look he gave me. I ran a hand through my hair and waited for the feeling to come back to my tongue. Damn him and those looks.
Of course if I hadn’t been looking up at him . . .